200

It's my 200th BLOG post. Let's celebrate! I have been trying to figure out what might be appropriate to post for this milestone, but nothing special really came to me (hence my delay in posting). I figure now was as good a time as any to take my blog posts into the 200s. I can't sleep, and I have a lot on my mind, and it's December.

So why do I write on this blog? I came up with a few common themes. To discuss the challenges of (complain about) grad school life and my life in general, to keep friends up to date on my happenings (though I haven't been so good at that lately, so you can guess what I am doing: writing and procrastinating and working), to talk about how things are challenging but how I am going to turn them around (I notice I do a lot of convincing myself that things are going to work out. Apparently this is part of my process, and my attempt to not come across as totally negative despite the occasional complaining. I am not negative!), and to share joy when it does come to me. For this occasion, let me just talk about why I can't sleep, and generally what's going on with my life these days:

1. I kind of got yelled at today. Not yelled at exactly, but well, sort of. And I got yelled at last week, twice, by the same person. Very unfamiliar territory for me... not sure how I am going to negotiate this potentially problematic working relationship. The yeller is actually mostly cool... I've been working for her all semester. It is a great opportunity, has been a great semester, and could really turn in to an AMAZING opportunity. In fact, we had a meeting today with three big wigs who can make things happen, and the biggest of the big wigs said that my work should be a top priority for them. Woo-hoo. You go, PMP. Awesome. But unfortunately the high is marred a bit by the yelling. I think it's just a combination of me being too sensitive, and her being too brusque. But she's unpredictable. I like to think I am pretty good at getting along with people, and reading people (and you know I have had my fair share of characters to get along with) but she turns on a dime, and I have a hard time with confrontational as a characteristic. I am thinking I will be able to work this out, though. At the end of the meeting she told me what a great sounding board I am and how glad she is that I am here (well, stop yelling at me, then!). If this really turns in to what it might turn into (like the job of my dreams, honestly) it will all be worth it. If not, it will all have been an excellent learning experience. Isn't that always the way?

2. Similarly, I feel I have a hard time opening my mouth these days without pissing someone off. I don't really know; suddenly I became super annoying? Not sure. I think I am being nice and genuine and smart and all the usual good PMP things, but somehow it hasn't been working as well for me lately. I don't like to feel like I'm walking on eggshells... hello, what if someone else pisses ME off? I feel I am the one who has to make sure everyone else is OK. And, again, isn't that always the way?

3. My dissertation work is going OK. I am writing it. It's good I seem to have gotten through my period where I was not writing it. I am writing it! I am telling myself that it's OK that I have gotten no feedback because they are going to let me through. I am going to write it and they are going to say OK. Three signatures. Let that be the case. Now that the semester has ended I think I can remind my advisor again of his promise to get back to me. At the moment I am on the side of the dissertation that tells me it's going to be OK. I am stressed, but positive. It could turn at any moment, though. So I say again, isn't that always the way?

4. I've been reading Augusten Burroughs, and he's f**king hilarious. Hilarious. Since TMH and I have merged belongings I have discovered a whole new library of boy books. TMH finds it amusing that he has a whole collection of books by gay men, but he seems to love any memoir related to having a crazy childhood or overcoming some disability. We are actually going to see David Sedaris in March (his State or Carolina? story is still one of my favorites of all time). Seems like the more messed up your childhood, the better you can do as an author, and you get bonus points for being gay or an alcoholic. Don't be offended. Anyway, Augusten Burroughs's stories make me wonder if I could write a memoir, though my life hasn't been nearly as crazy as his. I laugh out loud reading them, and he makes me feel a little less crazy. He and I also seem to be on the same wavelength about certain things, like that it's really funny that so many of the towns in Amish country have dirty names (Intercourse and Blue Ball are my favorites, too, Augusten!). He can turn a mouse getting into his tub through the faucet into a fantastic story... and I totally get it. Anyway, so if my whole PhD thing doesn't work out, maybe I can write a memoir. Isn't that always the way?

5. Some of the old sitcoms and their theme songs have been coming to me lately. I realize how profound they were. I mean, don't you miss the poignant made-for-sitcom songs? The first to come was "making your way in the world today takes everything you've got." I think that was after a particularly stressful day of dealing with people. Cheers really knew what it was all about. And I am missing my old life, so I would really like to be around people who know my name (and don't yell). Again, see how appropriate? Then the Facts of Life made it into the mix. What an excellent show... and again... so true! See, life lessons of 80s sitcoms live on. I learned a couple of years ago that because of my personality type I really identify with TV characters and get involved with them. Oh yes, I do. The Friends are my friends. They never fail to cheer me up. I'll just leave it at that, before you really think I have gone too far off the deep end. So now you see what happens to PMP with too much time with PMP, herself and her laptop. Isn't that always the way?

Happy 200th to my blog! Thank you to my loyal fans (all 3 of you? I am being optimistic there...)

Love, PMP

The turtle doesn't make progress unless he sticks his neck out

One of my Chinese students told me this when I asked her about her graduate experiences here in the U.S. She said you just have to try, and you just have to take risks, and sometimes you don't really know what's going on but you can't just hide in your shell. Right. Very good advice.

I am struggling to stick my neck out these days. I got myself a Spanish conversation partner, which is great. I got myself a student to tutor- also great. I have upcoming meetings with deans and such to consider my future employment at a premiere university (the observation went really well... a very positive experience...). So I stuck my neck out on those fronts. I am awesome.

So what's the problem, PMP? Well, I am not writing. I am hiding in my shell not doing it. It's too hard. I am not sure what I am doing. I am a perfectionist and a procrastinator (I learned something from my student's presentation on the stages and the psychology behind procrastination, though unfortunately nothing that has made me kick the procrastination monkey. Basically, we set the bar unreasonably high for ourselves and then we are afraid that nothing we do will measure up, but if we make ourselves run out of time we can let ourselves off the hook for the quality of the work. Doesn't that just sound ridiculous, and annoying? Oh yes, but it's happening, in a torturous way, every single day. I really just want to scream). I continue to struggle to get feedback from my advisor. I am adrift, so to speak, and I spend way too much time alone to be healthy, despite my efforts to branch out. I know I just have to sit down and do it, every day. Every day I have to make myself write. That's been the plan. Some days I do. I show up at the library and I plod through. Other days, well, I just don't. I stare at my computer and nothing happens and I just want to throw it out the window. I have heard all about the PhD student struggle, but I never thought it would be this hard. I mean, the motivation should be there. I *might* get a "real" job sooner than I expect and I won't have time (this is highly unlikely, but if we want to be optimistic it *could* happen). TMH and I are planning our awesome vacation and I need to have something substantial done before we go. My timeline is sitting there looking very formidable; at least I am not behind it yet. Time is flying by so, so quickly and before we know it spring will be here and I will be freaking out about the chances for me to graduate. OMG. I just have to do it. Maybe it will be terrible, and maybe no one will ever read it, and maybe, maybe, maybe. I can maybe myself all day long, but clearly that does no good. I just have to do it, plain and simple, every day. So here I go.

Vamos a Costa Rica

Yes, yes, that's right! TMH and I have figured out our honeymoon. I am so excited. I initially thought that Costa Rica was going to cost too much because of the plane tickets... and then I was able to come through with an award ticket! I shouldn't say it's a free ticket, actually, but it's nice to see a side result of all those nights out and trips to Target. I am glad I've been saving my miles... I couldn't think of a better way to spend them! I am so excited about vacation. We really need one. A real honeymoon, complete with beach, rainforests and a volcano. We are going from Dec. 30- Jan. 8. Can't wait!

Getting our trip planned honestly helped me turn things around .... I was in a bit of a slump there for a couple of weeks. I think it's only natural, really.... a delayed response to all the life changes I have experienced in the past few months, mainly my move here. Summer school was fine and familiar, the fall semester started with much fuss about wedding prep, and then it all came and went and I was left thinking... oh crap, I live here now. Now what? Don't get me wrong. I love it here. I get to live with TMH and we have a great place and this is a fantastic city, we are quite happy together, etc. But regardless of all those great things, it's hard. I don't have a support network here (besides TMH, of course). I don't have a "real job" or an office. I miss my grad school girls. We are still helping each other get through this but it's not so easy from afar. On a day to day basis my life is pretty solitary. My advisor, much like when I lived right next to him, does not respond to my questions. My department seems to be falling apart at the seams, and there are threats of closure. While all of this does not impact me directly, it is certainly unsettling. The prospect of finishing my dissertation is daunting, to say the least, and my foray into the employment opportunities here has been disappointing. Was I crazy to leave my old job? I spent 5 years learning the crazy of my former job... now I am just at the tip of the crazy iceberg here. It's unsettling, I should say. I have learned some pretty disturbing things about the universities around here, too, and had some frustrating meetings with bitter 50 pushing 60 something women who seem to be in charge of everything. My favorite people to work for, you know. The bright side of that is that I am actually interested in the crazy that goes on in universities... and specifically how it affects grad students. So maybe I have been asking for this? Talk about real life experience informing my work.

I know, I know! Ridiculous, right? Just get over it, PMP, life is good, things will work out, etc. Well, it is good. Things will work out and I am turning things around. I have started myself on a new routine, and all the moves I have been making to improve things for myself here are starting to happen:

1. I have finally found a Spanish conversation partner--our first meeting is next week! Very excited as I have been meaning to do this for a while and now I have an added incentive. Vamos a Costa Rica y quiero hablar con la gente! Costa Ricans are some of the best people on earth, and they speak the best Spanish, so I'll be damned if I am going to show up as rusty as I am right now. Also, this will serve to increase the number of people I talk to in the week. Not a friend, exactly, but a start.

2. As a happy side effect of one of my meetings with a crazy director (you would not believe some of the things she said to me), I am now on her referral list for tutors. So when a student writes to her and wants to know about resources in the area to help her improve her communication skills, I might get the email. So now I have my first private student! I am excited about this too. She is motivated, and excited to improve her skills, and as an added bonus, she is studying in business school and not afraid to pay. We'll see how it goes. Maybe I can set up a lucrative side business for myself? Having more to do and more people to talk to apart from the dissertation will be good for me... more brackets on my routine, less crazy hermit potential, and a bit more money. You know, the more you have to do the more you get done, they say.... and it's definitely true for me!

3. My class at the other university continues to go well, though it is a bit frustrating how slow it is to make things happen there. Next semester's prospects are still uncertain though my boss is really optimistic we can continue to build the program. I guess I might as well be optimistic too! Two deans (DEANS!) are coming to observe my class next week to see what they think. Um, ok. TWO DEANS ARE COMING TO OBSERVE THE CLASS NEXT WEEK. I have never taught in such a situation where my whole future depends on how I do at any given moment. I am doing well so far, apparently. Since this is a pilot, they want to decide if it's something they'd like to have all the time. Clearly I hope they decide it's something they'd like to have all the time! No pressure. Just teach a normal class, PMP. But of course I keep thinking and second guessing (what's the best activity for them to see? what if this and that happens?). Ugh. But it is definitely exciting.

4. I have set up more of a routine for myself as a side effect of all of these other things going on (and the realization that I was slowly driving myself insane). Too much working on the dissertation from home was turning in to not enough working and many opportunities for procrastination and wallowing in self-doubt (clearly I need to clean the floor/do laundry/pay bills etc. right now instead). It was even getting hard to go outside, to get out of the apartment, which was kind of scary. I am now going to the library as if I am going to work and so far the results have been amazing. So much more productive! So let's keep it that way. Now if I could just get my committee to be a bit more responsive. One thing at a time, though, right? At the moment I do feel like I can do it. And on that note, I'm off to the library. It doesn't open until 9:00, so now I have an excuse not to start work until 9:00! Whatever works. It is GOING to happen. It is. Just you wait.

Just call me Mrs. PMP

One of the problems with not changing your name is that people have a hard time using Mrs. They get confused, but that's OK. Keeping my name doesn't mean I'm any less married, or any less part of TMH's family. I am Mrs. PMP!

So, clearly a lot has happened since 9-9-09, so much that it's hard to catch up on my blog. But I have to start somewhere. Nothing I can write here will do the wedding justice. It was just amazing (in no particular order):

1. To have some of my Aussie relatives here. My cousins and I were like peas in a pod again. They were so good to me, and we had so much fun catching up. I got to show them around where I live, and hang out. I just love them... and it's just amazing how close we are despite the fact that we grew up on opposite sides of the world. My cousin MP brought a stack of letters with her that she somehow still has from my lifetime of writing to her. The first one is from 1984, after I visited when I was 9 (and she was 7!) Pretty amazing... and hilarious... and amazing. My aunt and uncle had never been to the U.S. before and I think they had a great trip. My dad took them on a full tour of the East coast. It was just so wonderful to see them. So emotional!
2. To feel the support of my oldest friends. It was so great to get my group of girls together... women that I have known for what is now between 20-25 years. I really couldn't have gotten married without them, everything from the cake and flowers to the guestbook, to the fact that at the last minute our ceremony had to be moved under the covered patio because of a quick rain shower. My girls kept me from freaking out and knew where I had to go so I didn't even have to worry. Amazing.
3. To bring together old friends and new, my family and TMH's family. The people who gathered at the wedding were lovely and happy, from near and far and from so many different parts of our lives. My crazy family dynamics were mostly fine (with some few minor and now entertaining moments) and overall everyone was just HAPPY.
4. To feel the love on all sides of our family. I am so excited to be joining TMH's family, to officially be Aunt P, to have sisters-in- law and a brother-in-law, and even parents-in-law. TMH's family is so good to me. From the cookies his mom made, to the gorgeous flower girl dress, to how welcoming and excited his dad was, to his sister crying through her reading and his other sister dancing the night away, and all his brother's help and calm... what a family! For TMH's part, I know he is happy to be part of my family now, and of course my family is quite pleased to welcome him. It was so nice to have everyone together.
5. Of course, getting married. TMH and I put a lot into our wedding planning and it was exciting to see it all come off without a hitch. More than that, though, we got MARRIED. As one of my friends said, there was not a dry eye in the house. We teared up before we even started. It was an amazing moment, and we look forward to the years ahead.

Goodness, how lucky are we?

And yes, married life has been good so far. We took a couple of days off right after the wedding. I spent much of Sunday crying, and then sleeping. We were exhausted! Saying goodbye to everyone was so emotional. Then we unplugged for a couple of days, came home for a couple of days (and I had to teach again, ugh! I only missed one class, can you believe that?) and then we went out of town again to the wedding of one of TMH's best friends. It was really nice... our first wedding as husband and wife. Needless to say it was tough getting back into the swing of things last week. It was a rough start but I have (mostly) gotten back into my work and I am trying to make the most of the rest of the semester. I finished a paper and I'm going to a conference next week. Slow and steady wins the race, they say. I have to stay focused and keep myself going... I am doing my best.

This past weekend was our first weekend at home together in at least a month; we were happy to just be. In any case, I now really understand the concept of a honeymoon. Who wants to talk to people and work and do real life things after they get married?! We'll get ours in December/January, at least. That's next on the planning agenda. Stay tuned!

09/08/09

Well, I wasn't born on the 9th, so I can't be SUPER cool (9-9-9), but still my birthday this year had a special ring to it.

It was my last single birthday, as one friend pointed out. At the same time it was my first birthday living with TMH. He and I don't exactly see eye to eye on birthdays. I like to make a fuss; I am a fan of occasions in general. I am used to them being at least one week long, mostly because I usually celebrated once with him and once wherever I happened to be on the day. It also probably has to do with being an only child versus being one of four. He thinks the day is the day; that's all you get. Well, it's a good point. No need to be greedy (though I admit, I can be a bit greedy). I like to spread things out, though; nothing wrong with a little delayed gratification. Anyway, he tried very hard to make sure I had a good day. When I went to get my cereal yesterday morning there was a candle in the middle of it. How sweet was that? And at breakfast I opened my cards from my parents. It was definitely a good morning.

After TMH left for work it was time for me to get to work and then anxiously prepare for my first day of teaching my new class. I wasn't kidding when I said that was a good birthday present. It really was! I am finally starting to get myself into a routine. I'll be teaching Tuesday/Thursdays and the other days I'll be dissertationing (yes, it's Wednesday, I am supposed to be dissertationing and not blogging, but I need some time to process, ok?) So of course I was nervous about the new class, new environment, totally new deal, but in the end it went really well. The students all seem eager and motivated, and at the end of class I felt that familiar high. I really am lucky in that I like my work and think I must be pretty good at it. After class TMH and I met for dinner, which was really nice, then we had a drink, and then we came home, where he surprised me with cupcakes! I do love cupcakes. And his gift was really thoughtful, too... a pretty fall blazer/jacket I'd been coveting! Yay for TMH. He's a keeper, that's for sure.

And now it's Wednesday. Work is coming along, the dissertation is really in progress, AND, in two weeks we'll be headed to our wedding spot (!). Can you believe it??? My Aussie relatives are almost on their way over, TMH and I sent the check to the caterers this morning, we've done the numbers, and even the seating. It's all happening now. Awesome!

September!

Well, here it is. A big month, on many levels:

1. Back to school at a new university. It's the first time I've started the fall at another place in 5 YEARS. 5 years. It seems the past 5 years of building up my ambiguity tolerance are serving me well for this very new situation. Not only am I new to it, but it's new. We're starting it from the ground up. That means all of the things you normally take for granted when you are teaching a class (getting paid, registration systems, textbooks, classrooms, equipment, etc) do not exist in this case. My new boss is very sure it will all happen though; we are doing it step by step. And I trust her, thank goodness. It's cool to be involved at this level, though a little unsettling at times. But like I said, all of my years of pretending like I'm not worried and I'm so good at going with the flow and knowing the semester will somehow come together seem to be paying off. I really am not that worried. Hmmm. It's my entree into a potentially lucrative future.... so patience seems like a small price to pay. Somehow next week I'll get a classroom and students will come and things will be fine. I'm just not sure how. It's a mystery.

2. Dissertation. Needless to say that with the excitement of #1 and what you will see in #3, the dissertation will likely get the short shrift this month. I have to get the rest of my data, though, which I keep thinking won't be that hard once #1 is set and the students are back in town. It really won't be... as long as (this is big) people agree to talk to me. They will just have to. I will beg them. And then they will. That is my focus right now. Once I have all my data, I will be OK. Then I will have no excuse, and nothing else to do but sit down and figure it all out. I can do it!

3. Wedding, wedding, wedding. Wedding! Yep, it's happening, in less than a month. I was so fortunate to be able to go home and see my mom and some old friends on the weekend. They reminded me of how lucky I am, and how much everything is going to be OK. I have a tendency to fret (and obsess, who am I kidding?) but it's all going according to plan, mostly, and TMH keeps telling me what a good place we're in. We are in a good place. The key is not to get bogged down in the final details, like logistics, that make me want to pull my hair out. The fact is that the most important people in my life are coming from all over the world and I want things to be as easy for them as possible. So they will be. Or I will do my best that they be, I should say. And in the end, it won't matter, because everyone will be there and everyone will be happy regardless. Right? Right. You'll also be happy to know that my demons seem to understand the situation and are prepared to leave me alone for while.

Everything else really falls under #3. My Aussie relatives visiting (how exciting!), seeing all my friends, putting all of my various versions of family together (for better or for worse, pun intended). All of it happens this month! And everyone says you are supposed to try to enjoy it, because it only happens once. So I am going to try.

Oh, and it's my birthday next week. I knew it could potentially get overlooked this year (and rightly so... I am not excited about being a year older, and the other things going on this month are really much more important). But, a birthday is a birthday... and I'll be having mine. Likely on the first day of class. An excellent birthday present, when you think about it.

Demons

Mine seem to be rearing their ugly heads lately, despite my current successes and overall happiness. Maybe it's the changes in my life right now. Or maybe it's because I'm getting married. In any case, I need to confront and conquer them, once and for all. OK, well, to be realistic, maybe they will come back to visit sometimes, but they need to know their place.

I think you need to be at peace with yourself before you get married. You need to be proud of who you are. You need to know your flaws... and your partner needs to know them too, so you know what you are working with, so you can accept yourselves and each other. I think TMH and I are in that place. We can do it, though perhaps we have a few things to work on. Of course we do; everyone has things to work on.

The officiant for our wedding was telling me that she thinks many wedding ceremonies are too solemn. You hear a lot of warnings about how hard marriage is and how many things can go wrong. They portray the marriage with a sense of foreboding. She says of course marriage is hard. It's hard work, and you have to be prepared for some heavy lifting. But the wedding is a time to celebrate. In the next month or so we'll have to balance thinking about the serious elements of our relationship with the joy we feel to have found each other and to be making this commitment. We are very fortunate. Demons, beware. You are not going to get in our way.

Exciting news!

1. It's official: I will be teaching a class in my area of expertise this fall! My years of experience seem to be catching up with me- I've only been designing and teaching such classes at other schools for 8 years now! After much optimism and "possibilities" I am so relieved/excited about this being confirmed. My new boss is also going to have me work for her on other projects for additional hours (this week and next week she gave me a student to consult with, for example. I love that!) It is related to my dissertation, my foot in the door at a great university in a program where I'd like to work in the future (as opposed to the summer school program, which is great for summer but not something I'd want to do long term). This class should keep me busy enough to be engaged/learn more about how things work at unnamed university, but also give me time to finish my all-important dissertation. A feather in my cap, as my dad said. They are essentially piloting this course because I am here and able to teach it!

2. On a lighter note (but somehow no less important in my skewed view of life right now) I found the perfect dress to wear to the wedding rehearsal/rehearsal dinner/Friday night. You may or may not know that I've been stressing about this. Stressing. (Weddings make you stress about random things, by the way. Like flatware patterns. Do I really care about flatware? TMH didn't even know the term flatware before we started this and now we spend lots of time talking about it! Ridiculous). Finding dresses is way harder than it should be; I'm sure all women out there will agree with me on this one! I won't go into all the details... let's just say I got a deal and was super excited. It was even better that I found the dress right after I found out my first piece of news. Somehow the planets all aligned or something- yesterday was a good day!

3. TMH and I got our wedding rings. In keeping with my engagement ring, I decided to have my grandmother's wedding band repaired. In addition to the sentimental value, I actually like it better than anything I saw, anyway. I learned from the jeweler that she never took off the band. It is worn only on one side, as that was the side that sat against the engagement ring for so many years. We know that she took the engagement ring off, since it is worn equally on both sides. The jeweler suggested I just have it buffed up and sized, and not worry about the wear- I can just make sure to wear the band in the same way that she did. So somehow I felt very fortunate to have learned so much about a woman I never met. And to think that I'll be wearing her rings in the same way that she did... I told my mom and she started crying.

So there you have it. Things are good right now. TMH and I made a big list of wedding to-dos and freaked out but at least we have a list now and I think it's pretty comprehensive so we just have to start knocking things out. We can do it!
We are going also to a wedding this weekend that we are both really looking forward to... so that will likely further inspire us. It's so nice to go to weddings, and now I appreciate how much work it takes to really pull everything together. I'm getting so excited!

Have a great weekend, everyone.

The Perfect Weekend

We had it!

At long last, a hot, sunny, beachy weekend where we had nothing to do but lie in the sun and swim in the ocean. Oh, and eat seafood, and sleep, and read, and walk on the beach.... see how happy we were? It was our third year visiting this particular beach, and every year we love it more. We find new places, and we revisit our old favorites. It is so nice to be developing such traditions!

This weekend was made all the more significant because:
1. It was our one year anniversary of being engaged. We celebrated last year in the same place, in much the same way.
2. It was the first time we've had any kind of break or day off together since May.
3. It was the first time it was actually warm enough to go swimming all summer. Our usual May beach fix was cold and rainy this year, so we had to wait until August. That's OK. We had it.

I am trying hard to fight the post-break depression, made all the worse by my fear and anxiety about my dissertation, and my complete uncertainty about my employment for fall. As for the dissertation, clearly I just have to do it. And I will. As far as employment, I am still optimistic that things are going to work out, but they are still quite nebulous. I'd like to nail a few things down.... but such is life. Fingers crossed....keep moving forward.

Smile in your liver

I don't think the Indonesian medicine man meant for this to sound like an endorsement of alcohol...

So, I just finished reading Eat Pray Love. It was good, but pretty annoying at the same time. As I was reading this woman's adventures in Italy, India and Indonesia I realized why some of her writing was bothering me. She sounds much like me. Complain, complain, complain, oh poor me, my life is so chaotic, I have so many demons, yada yada yada. In the book, she learns lessons from her travels in these countries to basically recover from how annoying she is. By the end of her tale she is doing two different types of meditation every day and talking to the four spirit brothers that protect her. Whoa.

But at the same time the lessons are important. From her Indonesian medicine man she learns to smile. Now, I don't know anything about meditation- it's really not my cup of tea- but it seems like a nice idea. Apparently, you are supposed to sit and smile every day for an hour. Smile. Smile all the way down to your liver. I think that's good advice. It's sort of like being awesome. Just be awesome. Again, good advice. Worrying does you no good. Obsessing about stuff is pointless. Just live your life (oh ay ay ay... ). Like how T.I. made it in here, too? So on that note...

Summer school is over. The ending was fairly anticlimactic, but that always happens. Today I have to write the final evaluation letters for my students and then I can officially close that chapter. I'm in the in-between time now. I am still working on setting up a part-time job here for fall but it continues to look promising. It even seems like I may be able to set things up in much the same way that they were back at school. I was feeling nostalgic about going back "home" now... back to school... but then of course I realized this is home and I have to start feeling that way. So I am focusing on the positive: setting up part-time work for fall, getting my dissertation schedule on track, taking a bit of a break, and remembering that I am getting married in about 6 weeks! TMH and I have a couple of fun short trips planned for the next two weekends (our annual beach trek- cannot WAIT- and then a VT wedding); so excited that we'll be getting away. We really need it! I am also starting to get excited about our wedding, and seeing friends, and doing fun stuff. Yes, some things are unsettling in my life right now, I don't really have any friends here and things are not always that easy. Yes, it's hard to be in transition in some sense. But yes, I also have lots of reasons to smile, all the way down to my liver.

Numbers

13- Research papers I have left to grade
14- Students (Yep, not doing so well with the grading. I had to wait for the papers to dry out as I got caught in a monsoon the day they turned them in.)
10- Student presentations left to give
14-Final student evaluations to write
4-Days left of summer school

I'm going to miss this life, these coworkers, and my students! An exciting new chapter is just around the corner, though....

A Day in the Life of Summer School PMP

My failure to post recently gives some indication as to how busy I've been. I know I'm not special; as I mentioned in my last post it seems that everyone I know is too busy. We're all just jugglers, right? Work, home, work, relationship, work, future work, work, health. Here's what it looks like for me:

6:00 am ish- Wake up and go running (Never thought I would be one for early a.m. exercise, but I have to tell you, I am hooked.)
7:00 am- Come home, get ready for work, make/eat breakfast
8:00 am- Out the door to get on the bus or the train, depending on which one seems like it will be faster and/or less annoying
8:30 am- Prep for class
9:00-11:00 am- Teach or participate in some other student activities
11:00-1:00 Devour my lunch because I'm starving already. Grade papers. Prepare for class. Laugh with partner teachers about whatever ridiculous thing has happened that day (Today it was me reading my student's paper on Ancient Greece. He spent the entire time talking about Ancient Geek. Hey, it works in spell check, right?) Be ridiculous (my colleagues are really hilarious. They are schooling me on what it means to be from where they're from. We laugh a lot about accents). Complain about things. Make phone calls and do wedding planning activities.
1:00-3:00- Teach. Get fired up at students.
3:00-6:00- Meet with whatever students need to see me after class. Go to meetings or attend other summer school related events. (This week I had a meeting with a woman about work for next semester. We'll see...) Grade, prepare, repeat lunchtime activities apart from chatting with colleagues and eating. Decide which mode of transport seems the most appropriate to get home. Wonder why the hell I'm so tired.
6:00-7:00 Try to do something productive at home before TMH gets home. Laundry, cooking, house stuff, wedding stuff, you name it. This really should be dissertation time but at this stage of summer school it's pretty unrealistic to think I'm getting much done.
TMH usually gets home around 7:30 or 8:00, at which point we eat dinner, do whatever chores we need to do together (the registry is on our list for tonight) and hang out, before he makes the lunches (one of the nicest things he does for us/me; he always packs my lunch) and we have to go to bed because we're exhausted. We always, always, always run out of time.

Two more weeks of summer school, and then we'll see what happens.....
All I really know about life after summer school right now is that 1. I'm getting married, and 2. I am supposed to finish my dissertation. I guess that's enough for now.

Summer, summer, summer schoool

Ah, the summer school.
Not time to sit back and unwind, sadly.
I worked all day today. Like a work day, really. I read student papers (and got increasingly frustrated with each one) and then planned for the week. You wouldn't believe how long it took me. Being a good teacher really takes time; I don't think many people realize that. (And I know you shouldn't use that in such a way, and I spent a lot of time telling students not to today. But you know what I mean.) Just as an aside, TMH really likes to make fun of my English during summer school. By the end of the day I am likely to say some pretty ridiculous things.

Things are mostly good. TMH and I are doing great. Every now and then I just want to move back from whence I came (usually when the city life is getting the better of me, like on the bus, or when I just want to yell at people to get out of my way), and sometimes I think I still live there, but I think that's mostly normal. It has nothing to do with TMH, just my transition to this new life where I have to make a life for myself. Get a life, PMP! It takes time, though, you know, and I have a few things on my plate.

I have become concerned with the pace of life these days, especially since we are about to get married. I am out of touch with my closest friends right now, largely because the pace of their lives is crazy (I hope that's the reason, anyway). It seems a bit sad, really. Huge events and weekends go by in a blip, and then it's on to the next thing and you wonder whether anyone even stopped to consider what amazing thing just happened before they have to run back to their obligations.

I think everyone needs to be able to take a minute to stop and smell the wildflowers. Hopefully we'll all have a chance to at my wedding, at least.

Pack Mule

All is well. I have a second to breathe now so I thought I'd post an update.

I forget about how crazy this program is. I know, I know, I said it already. Part of it is that it's a lot of work. A lot of mental activity. A lot for the students and for the instructors. That part I understand: it's an intensive summer school get-ready-for-grad-school-and-be-overwhelmed kind of deal. I get it. You are supposed to be exhausted. What I don't get is the logistical ridiculousness. That is the stuff that makes us all want to pull our hair out. Last minute changes, room changes, buildings we can't get into, lack of necessary equipment, new books that no one can find, new students that come out of nowhere, etc. To say you have to be flexible is an understatement. But the icing on the cake is that they don't give us anywhere to put anything. Not a table, not a chair, not a desk, not even a corner cubby, nook of ANY kind. Not one place to put ANYTHING. And no, we can't leave anything in our classrooms, because that would make too much sense. Plus, we are constantly getting reminded to watch our belongings. Summer school is like a gold mine for thieves, as you might imagine, given the abundance of naive, rich kids and all of their expensive toys. So I have to carry everything (all these ridiculous books we need, student work, lesson plans, copies of class material, a laptop so the students can do presentations and we can get online in the classrooms- I mean, really, the "best university in the world" can't put some equipment in their classrooms? And I should carry it all with me? I even had the roof leaking in my classroom yesterday. Literally dripping water on the table. Seriously? The students just kind of looked at me. Hey, I never said it was the best university in the world, and the roof is hardly my responsibility). There are three of us in this boat. You should see us: three pack mules, stooped lower everyday. My two compatriots are more professional at this than I am (that is, they are used to having no office, ever) and have wheely bags, like stewardesses. It's fun to watch them navigate the cobblestones with laptop bags and purses around their necks. I just have one enormous bag and my laptop bag. The constant rain makes the picture even more entertaining. And should I mention our need to ride public transportation? (which is an adventure all by itself, and may merit another blog post soon. CRAZY crazy crazy people ride the bus, you know- I am not used to city life, yet). Oh well. I need to come up with some kind of solution: my back hurts already!

But such complaining aside, things are good. My class is great, the students are motivated, and I am having fun. My partner teachers are nice, responsible and easy to work with. Yippee! It's Week 2 now so there is a bit more time and things are getting smoother. But I can breathe a huge sigh of relief. I am going to make it!

Things were even more chaotic last week because we had house guests, the first in our new place. Everything went well though; I think even my cat was happy to have them. TMH's sister and little daughter were here and we had a fantastic time! Little B is so much fun, and I have to say that TMH and I have really embraced being Aunt and Uncle. It's pretty cool. B is super advanced for her age (she's already potty trained, and can speak in full sentences, and she's not even two!) I will say, though, there is nothing like spending a weekend with an almost two-year old to make you realize how much work kids are!

Anyway, that's my update. We're excited because it's a short week. TMH and I are looking forward to a relaxing but festive long weekend.... and maybe the sun will even come out? Please?

TMH's comment

---
Creed and I don't see eye to eye...I think bowling is pretty painful, actually. "Keep it bowlin'..." would be akin to "Please stab me in the eye repeatedly with a sharp object..."
---

I'll have to ask him what his version of the expression would be.

Keep it bowlin'

Well, it's another rainy Monday. Must I complain about the weather? Anyone who lives anywhere near the East coast must know what I'm talking about so I won't go there in full force. I'll just say that we miss the sun.

TMH and I had a good weekend, though I felt a bit cheated because I had to work on Saturday from 9:00-2:00. That was the end of orientation. The rest of Saturday we took as a fun day (we needed it, and fun we had) and then yesterday we worked around the house all day. Our apartment is really shaping up! We have an added incentive to get things together: TMH's sister and little niece B are coming to visit this week. Yay! We are very excited to see them and show them around. I just hope the sun might decide to come out while they're here, but I guess we'll have to take what we can get.

Today is my last real day of relative freedom, if all goes well, I should say. Instructor orientation is done, students arrived and tested on the weekend and should be put into classes today. Some time late this afternoon I should get my official class assignment and find out who my partner teacher is, etc, so we can hit the ground running bright and early tomorrow. (We teach our own classes but also have a workshop with another class/teacher several times a week. I have learned that who you get matched with is a key part of summer happiness, because you have to work together so closely... so far I've been lucky so let's just assume my luck will hold...) We received an ominous email yesterday that fewer students than expected have arrived.... so people are a little worried. I think I should be safe because grad students are still coming to grad school (I think) but those who teach a more general population may have reason to fear. I guess we'll see in due time... there is nothing I can do about it so there is no point in worrying either way. Let me repeat that to myself a few times.

I have high hopes for the day: dissertation work (gotta get a good schedule set up before classes start), errands, more cleaning and organizing, laundry, and cooking (I have to do some domestic things in preparation for not having much time). Well, and of course, a good class and partner teacher assignment

And on that note I explain the title of this post, which I must credit to my friend E (thanks for sharing!):

June 22, 2009 Urban Word of the Day

According to Creed from "The Office", "Everyone likes bowling, so this is a phrase for when you want to tell someone to stay positive. For example, if someone tells you they lost their job, you can just tell them to keep it bowlin’ and that’ll cheer them up."

Hey, keep it bowlin', buddy. So, keep it bowlin', everyone!

So far, so good

I got on the bus, and boy, am I relieved.

I just wanted to post an update. The orientation went really well. She was in a good mood, first off. Secondly, I inadvertently found out I would be teaching the same class I've taught for the past two years (the content changes every year, but it's the group I am excited about). YAY. Graduate students, my favorite. Really! I mean, she would have been crazy not to keep me with the grad students (I've worked with them for so long at this point... since 2001 really... and now even my dissertation focuses on them), but I have been warned (and witnessed myself) that she does crazy and unpredictable things. Anyway, it was a HUGE relief....there are so many good things about me teaching this class. It informs my dissertation as well, indirectly. Double yay!

It was also nice to see some familiar faces, and feel the excitement (with a healthy dose of apprehension) about the summer. So.... now it's just time to do it!

Get on the bus, or get hit by it

Well, as I predicted, time went by tooooo quickly. Today is the first day of instructor orientation for summer school. She eases us in (I'll have to come up with a good name for her this year; crazy director isn't that satisfying anymore); we just meet from 4:00-6:00. Then tomorrow, all day, then Saturday from 9:00-1:00, Monday off (students test on Sunday and get sorted into levels on Monday, which is when we find out what course we're teaching), full insanity on Tuesday. I am not feeling very ready for this. At all. I mean, it's a good job. I've learned a lot from it (mostly by how much it's scared me), and it pays very well (and I REALLY need the money. Next year depends on it...) For sure no one would work there if it paid a typical salary. I guess that's always the case. (No one would work at all if they didn't get paid, right? Just in my idealistic world somewhere, though there have been jobs that I've had where I didn't think about the salary... likely because it was quite low. Anyway...) This is more extreme, though. She couldn't treat us the way she does if the salary weren't so high (OK, I definitely know other people who would say the same about their jobs). Anyway, I just wish she didn't have to use fear and intimidation as her motivational tools. You might think I am exaggerating. I'm not. I'd invite you to read any of the numerous emails we've gotten in preparation for the summer. I am actually scared to go today, even though it's my 3rd year (she seems to get worse every year). Ridiculous!

I haven't figured out a way to not do this job. I mean, there's the financial incentive, which really helps. And I need to maintain a good relationship with her for my future work and research (And it's hard to leave a job right before it starts and do that, don't you think? This is the first job where I did spend some time pondering what would happen if I didn't show up). It's just something I have to do, and hopefully luck will be on my side and things will go well. My first summer was horrific (but I won a teaching award in the end, as a sort of thank you, I think, for how traumatic it was), last summer I really lucked out, and I'll just have to wait and see what this summer has in store....

I know you're all skeptical. I would be too. I mean really, how bad can it be, PMP? It's summer school, for crying out loud. And it's ESL. Seriously? Well, all I can say is, I hope you're right!

Once things settle down I have to put myself on a schedule... and make sure my dissertation doesn't fall off the radar over the summer. In the first week it's not reasonable to expect to have time for anything else. But hopefully once things settle down...

I have been doing pretty well with work in the past week or so. The apartment is getting sorted, and I am putting in some good dissertation time every day (And so far, lack of running hasn't made me too insane. The toe is getting better...and it was a good excuse to buy new, flat, comfy, work-appropriate, but also cute shoes) I am slowly formulating a plan. I was talking to a friend about how grad school is hard (one of the many reasons). It's complicated. First, you feel you should be working all the time, because it's all on you. Some days you work on stuff and you don't seem to get anything done (a necessary step, I argue, because you can't always be productive, though of course it's frustrating and you might even feel like you are beating your head against the wall) and other days you feel guilty because you haven't really worked at all.... but you've made some major breakthrough. Because, see, it's always on your mind. So even when you're not working, you're thinking about it. And in a sense, that should count as work as well. But it doesn't matter if it counts or not: that's just my guilty conscience, because guess what? No one counts your hours. No one is going to come in and say, "OK, PMP, you've been working on this for x amount of time, so you're done." Nope. The best dissertation is a done dissertation, and in the end it won't matter if it took you one semester or you agonized over it for years and years and years. It's like the students I always complain about who expect to get A's just because they worked hard, or worked for a certain amount of time. Life doesn't go that way... as we all know, hard work only gets you so far.

So, as usual, I digressed a bit. Let me get back to work, so I can get ready, so I can start my summer adventure later today. Let's hope the fates are on my side... and I will use all my positive energy to will it to be so. I WILL HAVE A GOOD SUMMER SCHOOL TEACHING EXPERIENCE THIS SUMMER. I WILL. I will!

A broken toe sucks because....

1. It didn't have to happen. Accidents like that never do, right? One moment I'm walking along, not appreciating my feet at all, and the next moment... bam! Walking will not be the same again for many weeks. I could have been wearing different shoes, I could have crossed the street at a different place, I didn't have to be out at that particular moment, etc. BLAH.

2. It was ridiculous: an entirely graceful maneuver. While crossing the street, one flip-flopped foot slipped in a puddle. My full body weight went sliding into the curb, and my big toe on my other foot bore the brunt of the damage. WTF. I wish I had it on video. I knew as soon as my toe hit the curb....the pain. Oh, the pain.

3. Running is my sanity. Let me repeat, running is my sanity. (But, you knew that already). Not much I can do about that now, is there? Prepare for insane PMP. And I guess that means I'll have to eat less or something, too. Running lets me do a lot of things....

4. I am about to start a job where I am literally on my feet all day long. ALL DAY LONG. Not to mention all the crap I have to carry around.

5. It's summer! In addition to physical activity, I have lots of fun shoes to wear that I won't be wearing. And on that note, what exactly AM I supposed to wear on my feet?

But on the bright side:

1. It's my first broken bone. A nice milestone to cross, really.

2. It could have been way worse.

3. I don't have to walk up and down the hill anymore. In my old life, an injury like this would have been even more debilitating (I do miss walking up and down the hill, though).

4. Summer school doesn't start until Thursday and before then there's a chance that I will have a miraculous recovery or at least be able to perfect my hobbling skills (and figure out what shoes I can even put on!) I mean, the timing on this, if it had to happen, wasn't THAT terrible. What if it had been the week of my wedding, for example?

5.TMH and I were able to enjoy a great weekend BEFORE the toe incident. We got away for half a day on Saturday (soooooooooooo grateful for a beautiful Saturday), unpacked a bunch more and just generally had a chance to relax a bit. So that's good.

6. I went for a really long, amazing run on Friday. I was so proud of myself-- the furthest I've run in quite some time. So maybe subconsciously I was preparing myself for a break. Whimper.

7. I appreciate my toes now! They really are important little guys.

8. All I have to do these days is read and sit at my computer, and this injury does not interfere with my ability to do such activities. What if I had broken a finger?

So, see, I can be positive about it, really. (And notice that my bright-side list has more items than my sucks list....)

WTF.

Things I'm *trying* to do these days...

(After one week into my new life)

1. Get settled in our new apartment. We made a lot of progress at the beginning and now seem to have hit a wall. Hopefully this weekend we can tackle some of the more annoying things that have yet to be done. The Craigslist in this town has proven to be much less useful than the one I used before I moved. Or maybe our stuff is less interesting. We still need to get rid of stuff, though!

2. Get settled in this city. This one is tough. I miss my friends, and while I am certainly excited to be here, I'm kinda lonely. So much of my work is solitary, TMH works so much, and I hate to be just waiting for him to get home at night. I mean, I am used to living alone, and being alone, but somehow this is different. I know I will get used to it. It doesn't help that it has been cold and cloudy all week (not June weather at all). I spent about 4 hours at the DMV yesterday (I refuse to call it the RMV); it was quite the big city experience. Finally got the promise of a new license, after 2 trips and $90. Insane. Stuff like that does not a good attitude promote. And I wonder how I'll make friends. The summer job doesn't help much (see #3). I've been running every day, though, which is awesome, and a great way to explore our fun new neighborhood. This city is great for runners.

3. Get ready to teach summer school. I think there is a year in between each program so that teachers have enough time to forget how ridiculous it is and decide to come back. Really. The required reading list for teacher orientation this summer has grown exponentially. Four books and countless articles before we even start work? I try to remind myself that I have to take this whole program with a grain of salt, and stay above the fray (which is way easier said than done, but I've been mostly successful for the past 2 years) but it seems to me the already insane director is crazier than ever. "She's gone over the edge," or so says my dramatic teacher friend who works there all year. She's the only one I have befriended in 2 years because of how crazy/dramatic/ ESL teachery everyone is. I have to keep myself at a distance or I'll go down. If I didn't need this job so much I would consider telling the crazy director where to go. But I won't. Too many important bridges for me exist BECAUSE of this position.

4. Figure out wtf is going on with my dissertation. This task is stressing me out. I have about half the data (and there is the pesky matter of ALL of those interview transcriptions), I need to work on getting the other half, I keep telling myself I need to put myself on a schedule. It's so daunting in that there is so much to do it's hard to figure out what to do on any given day. I am also a bit intimidated by the work, which doesn't help. It is slowly taking shape, however. Everyday, a new, small step. That's the current goal.

5. Do wedding things. Our wedding planning completely fell off the table with everything else going on recently, but I realized that we had better check in with it. Luckily, I realized that in time to notice that we had to order our invitations or it would be TOO LATE (because of how long they take to ship). So we ordered the invitations! Let me just make sure there are not any other major tasks that need to be done promptly...

6. Enjoy the break I have before I start working again. I am failing miserably here. I know once summer school starts I will be kicking myself, but as you can see with items #1-5, I have so much on my mind I can't really just relax. I need to figure out a way, though, in the next week. I do try to do one fun or new thing every day. I think if it warms up a bit (or even if the sun were to come out), that would help. Then I might be inspired to take a day off and go to the beach, or something fun! "Free" time is rare in my life and I need to take advantage, especially with how crazy the past few months have been. I deserve it.

Putting ketchup on corncakes

So, my friend E (aka fake lesbian Target-loving friend) came to visit yesterday (yay... it was so great to see her in a completely different environment; we had a fantastic time) and we got to talking about gender roles and things like that, as women are wont to do. It's something I've been thinking about a lot this week.

Suddenly I find myself here, at home, with TMH at work all day (and night, depending on the day). Now, I have never really thought of myself as a "traditional" woman (whatever that means), and I know TMH doesn't think of me that way either. He doesn't just expect me to do the housework, I mean. He is proud of my career and my graduate work and super supportive (must I mention the 3 years of distance we've undergone basically so that I could do my graduate work at all?). But here I am, with so much to do (for work and for home), and suddenly I think I should be cooking dinner every night.

Well, I should. We have to eat, right? And now I have more time and flexibility than he does. Once I start teaching, we'll have to see how it shakes out. In the past two summers we did a pretty good job of sharing such responsibilities, though in general I expect to be the one with more flexibility, at least for the foreseeable future. I must admit, one of my goals now that we do live together is to learn to cook more, and to cook better food. He has said the same (he wants to cook more, and eat healthier) and we have good food at our fingertips here. In my single life I'd just make a big lasagna or casserole and freeze it, or make a huge pot of chili or soup and freeze it, or eat spaghetti and sauce. I clearly can continue to do that, but it's not the best for summer, and I want to spice up the routine and actually cook sometimes. Anyway, I have tried my hand at a few recipes this week, and thanks to my good friend Sunshine Mom, I have some good inspiration and a friend to go to for advice. I am definitely out of my comfort zone, though, and I have a new appreciation for how hard it is to be responsible for meals everyday. Even just making sure you have all the ingredients is an ordeal! (I know once the kitchen is better set up with staples it will be easier). I can only begin to imagine what it's like to have kids, when you really are responsible for keeping them alive and healthy. Jeez, the pressure! If I mess up dinner, at least TMH can fend for himself.

Anyway, so I've been cooking dinner. It's mostly gone fine (though I am making really simple stuff) but I am insecure about it, which is never good. The ridiculous thing is that TMH doesn't expect me to cook and he doesn't understand why it's a big deal (He is not insecure about much, if anything, as far as I can tell. E and I talked about that too. Why are girls raised to doubt and boys raised to think they can do anything? UGH). So the other night I finished the dinner and served it to him and he wanted to add something to the meal before he even tasted it. And I got so MAD. Ridiculous mad. Like, who cares? But oh, I was mad. And I remembered a big fight my dad and stepmom had long, long ago. She made corncakes (a Southern favorite-- oh, so yummy), which is kind of an ordeal. After all her time over the frying pan, she served them to us, and my dad proceeded to dump ketchup all over them. She hit the roof. Oh, and when she got mad it was a scary sight. Not pouty like me, but full on rage. "You're going to pour ketchup all over my beautiful corncakes?!?!?!" Clearly it was memorable, since the memory is still quite vivid 23 years later! And I didn't get it at the time. What's the big deal if he wants to put ketchup on something? But oh, now I do. I really do. So there you have it: my new appreciation of the challenges of domesticity.

A whole new world....

So here I am sitting at my new desk (TMH's old desk) in our new apartment!

Yep, I made it! A couple of very big days in my life, but everything went amazingly well. On Friday I said goodbye to my car (sold it to a very excited young Texan), packed up my apartment and said goodbye to my apartment, got Gemi settled at a hotel, and had a wonderful dinner with friends. Thanks again, so much, to those friends for making that big day go so smoothly. Whew! Then on Saturday I drove in a very loud truck with a cat who hates noise. We had a bit of a harried trip but we survived. I was quite proud of my instincts; I drove right to our place with no issues, though I had never been here before, and true to form for this city, the directions weren't quite right. A couple of hours later all my belongings were in our new place and TMH and I were trucking the big truck to the drop-off location. After we dropped off the truck I breathed a huge sigh of relief (being responsible for a big moving truck in a big city is STRESSFUL, as you know. ANY driving is stressful!). Then, pizza and beer at our neighborhood wood-fired pizza place, right around the corner! Woo-hoo. After dinner I joked with TMH about how we are now going to be living together for THE REST OF OUR LIVES. And he was like, oh no, don't tell me that. Just kidding! He carried me over the threshold of our elevator (yes, we have an elevator that opens right up into our place!) to do the moment justice (and yes, it was just a moment, because as my mother said, that couldn't have been easy for him). I can't believe we are finally all under one roof after all of this time. Three years of a distance relationship, over in a snap. (And proof that you can make distance work. Who knew?)

Sunday we worked on getting organized. Putting two people's apartments into one is a bit of a challenge, but it is working out really well! I LOVE THIS PLACE. I already feel at home here, though it is a bit hard to believe that this is my life now. It's a fantastic apartment: elevator, wood floors, fireplace, cool windows, quiet street and amazing location. We've had some maintenance issues so far, though hopefully they are just part of getting settled in a place that hasn't been inhabited for a few months!

Gemi has done amazingly well (bounced back quickly from the loud truck and long drive) and is already right at home and not causing trouble (knock on wood!). I've realized how responsible I feel for her, and I am so relieved that she is doing so well. We have a stairway that goes up to one of the apartment exits; she can perch up there and see what's going on and definitely has found it to be a good play area. She can also sit in the windows... ah the life!

So here we are, getting settled in our new lives. This week I have been trying to unpack, organize, and put things in a pile that we have to get rid of. We have two of many things! We should be able to sell most stuff. And then I also have to get back to my dissertation, which has definitely fallen by the wayside in the past couple of weeks. I have a little time before I start teaching the crazy summer school here. In that time I need to take a break, but also work, and of course do house stuff. Contradictions are fun, right? It's just so hard to believe, after months of preparation and worrying and everything else.... we're here. And life is good.

Light the red lantern

My fake lesbian Target-loving friend and I had dinner last night. We always joke about how people at Target must think we are a lesbian couple because we shop there together and have kind of couple-like behavior (like we are always on the same page at Target and we buy everything from cute outfits and clearance jeans to cat food and toilet paper. See... lesbians, right?) That coupled with the town we live in makes it funny. (Her husband said that when I move the people at Target will think we've broken up). Anyway, she has a lantern we got on one of our shopping excursions last summer that we had never lit. So last night, post Target, we lit it, had some wine and dinner and sat out on her patio. We are determined to make the most of this time of year, and my last week in this town. My evenings with her (at Target or not) are definitely at the top of the list of things I am going to miss about living here!

It's that time that I have been writing about and thinking about for all these months. One more week here! TMH and I had a fantastic time at the all-important wedding #3, which was beautiful and amazing and such fun. My reading went off without a hitch and I was honored to be part of the day; a friend I have had for 23 years! It was great to see people who have known me for so long in this time of transition. And it was good to see my mother and have a bit of a break with TMH, though of course it went by all too quickly. TMH moves tomorrow (our new place is not even a mile from his current place), and I move next Saturday. I am still trying to tie up all the loose ends at work (they won't let me go!) do dissertation interviews, and get ready to move out. I am selling some of my belongings, which is weird. A very nice couple came by earlier to put down a deposit on my futon (who knew!), which they will pick up tomorrow. So my furniture will start to disappear. I am selling my car, too. Weird. It's all good, though. I am getting excited about the next chapter. It's going to be great for us. So I can look back fondly on my time here and look forward eagerly to the adventures to come. It's all good. But moving sucks no matter what, remember.

Today I went with two other friends (going to miss them so much, too!) to pick up my wedding dress, which now comes equipped with a lovely bustle that is going to be impossible for my girls to figure out. At least the two who were with me now sort of know how it works. I am happy to report that the dress itself fits perfectly. PERFECTLY. So much so that I was worried at my first fitting that I might need to lose a couple of pounds for the dress, and now I realize that because of the way it fits, I really shouldn't lose any. So there. My permission to stay exactly as I am!

In this time of transition and change, of nostalgia and looking forward, it's so nice to think about coming back here to get married.... for so many reasons. In addition to all the joy of the marriage, we'll get the chance to see everyone again and celebrate the specialness of this place.

High Anxiety

May wedding #2 has passed and with it comes the realization that we are almost in the MIDDLE OF MAY. Which means time is running out, and PMP is freaking out. Not as overtly as usual, though. That may come next week. Instead I am trying to adopt the wisdom of TMH and one of my best friends ever... "one step at a time." (Funny how much she and TMH have in common. I discover new items all the time. Really funny. Hah). It's almost like Scarlet O'Hara wisdom. I'll think about that tomorrow. Right. No time to think about it today. If you think about too much at once it's overwhelming and you don't get anything done. Right, PMP, stop it! The result, however, is less blatant whining and more internal nervous stomach. I better not get an ulcer...

Stomach ache. Check.

Quick to grump. Check.

Obsessing about random and unimportant details. Check. (Clearly easier to worry more about insignificant stuff than the big stuff... ridiculous as it may be. So, for example, TMH asks, "why are you talking about this again?")

"More annoyance than usual." Thanks, E, for your perfect words. Check. (Though in my defense the week is set up to bring on more annoyance than usual, as it includes our own particular brand of hell that comes at the end of the semester, and there is not much I can do about that. But, on the flip side, it's the last end of the semester here! I'll have to try not to roll my eyes. Or maybe I can now, since I'm nearly done....only two more REAL days of work. OMG.)

Procrastination. Check. I really just don't know where to begin. Things are getting away from me anyway. I'm either going to catch the bus or get hit by it.

But regardless, at the end of the week I'll be on a forced mini-break, wedding #3, and a quick but much needed trip to the beach. It should do me good! I'll think about the rest of the stress tomorrow, at Tara. Tomorrow is another day.

Three Weddings and a Dissertation

May is officially here. It is alternately the month of weddings, the month of finishing up the first half of my dissertation data collection, and the month of closing a significant chapter of my life (i.e, finishing my job, selling my car, and moving in with TMH). Big month!

The May wedding circuit kicked off on Saturday on TMH's home turf. We went to see his oldest friend (from 2nd grade!) get married. It was really fun to meet a lot of TMH's old friends; I don't know this group very well and many of them will be coming to our wedding. The wedding was at an enormous old Catholic church. I haven't been to a lot of Catholic weddings and I really enjoyed it. The church was beautiful and the priest was really funny, and TMH gave a reading (he kept calling it the Prayer of the People. Um, try Prayer of the Faithful. Of course he did a wonderful job). It was one of those weddings where there was a three hour gap between the ceremony and the reception (Just a note: if you don't want people to get completely wasted at your wedding, that's not a good model. What are people supposed to do for three hours? Clearly those reunioning all decided to go to the bar). TMH and I were of course more responsible. We spent the time visiting with his parents, and THEN we went to the bar where Buffalo wings were first made (Really! It's a good story. I am getting to be quite the expert on Central/Western NY. But the accents...). The reception was nice, except that people were pretty drunk/rowdy and the bride and groom had to do their fair share of corralling the wedding party. Now that TMH and I are getting married we are much more attuned to all the nuances that go into a wedding. I also teared up multiple times. Jeez. I barely know these people and I couldn't keep it together; how am I going to be when it is MY good friend (in 2 weeks), much less myself? Weddings have a new meaning for me now. I also started thinking about TMH's family and how they are becoming my family. I feel really lucky on that front. In addition to his parents, we got to see his sisters and my future niece, who is cuter than ever (Aunt P! Aunt P!).

Next weekend we are going to wedding #2, for TMH's good friend from business school. That will be fun because I know many of those people from when TMH and I lived here together. Of course wedding #3 is the big event for me: MY oldest friend (from 6th grade), and the opportunity to go home and see my mom and many of my old friends, and go to the beach.

So, the May wedding circuit is exciting, but exhausting, and in the meantime I have to focus on all of those other big things going on in May. I had a meeting with my advisor on Friday and I have developed a good plan B and C for the dissertation that I plan to implement later on today (no one wants to get an email on Monday morning, right? Monday afternoon or Tuesday is much better, I think). I just have to keep plugging away. Then I am starting to wrap things up at work and figure out my moving arrangements. So far so good on that front as well. So here we go......

Just smack me

I'm better today. On the good side of the line, I should say.

New and improved attitude. Check.
Less whining. Check.
Take issues one at a time. Check.
Focus on problem solving (i.e. what can be done rather than what cannot be done). Check.
Get stuff done! Working on it.
Remember what's important. Check.

All good.

Oh, and why wait three days to call a girl? Because of Jesus.... high five.
But just as an aside, TMH did NOT wait three days to call me.

Walk the line

I'm walking the line these days... between crazy and OK (sort of like Barney's Hot/Crazy Scale, only different).... though TMH might have become concerned recently that I have been drifting too far over, I always pull myself back. One moment I feel like I'm about to lose it and the next moment I recover myself. I know I have to keep myself on track. I feel like I could be drifting dangerously close to a bad place. It's moments like these in life when you really can go crazy. So, I just have to make sure that I don't.

It's hard for me to leave this place and a job I have given much of myself to for 5 years. I have never lived anywhere for 5 years, much less had a job for that long! It's hard for me to give up my car. I love my car, as you know, though now I am actually concerned that she last for the next 1.5 months (maybe she knows I am about to give up on her). In a tangible sense I am giving up my independence, if you want to take job and car (and apartment) as symbols of independence. They are definitely symbols of stability in my life. I am giving up my stability for the time being. And you know I was raised to be independent ("always keep your own money"; "make sure stuff is put in your name, too") from the mother who never expected to get divorced. Now, for whatever reason (despite much evidence to the contrary) I have stayed optimistic and I believe that healthy relationships are possible. The big issue here is that times are tough and my summer job may not be a sure thing. If I do have the summer job, all is well. I have income, and therefore my own stability for the foreseeable future. I can then write my dissertation with the comfort of knowing that I am doing what I need to do... with a chunk of my own financial security. The larger issue is that I have to get used to the idea that part of my stability will come from TMH. And that's good. It's supposed to be that way, right? We are getting married after all. So we have to adjust to these issues.

Currently they are exacerbated because of random, stressful complications. Our future landlord said she was fine with cats and then the lease says no cats. WTF? Given my current mindset I did not react well to the prospects of finding another place to live. I think (fingers crossed!) we resolved the issue yesterday but it was a good case of TMH and I both thinking we could work it out on our own and me basically getting frustrated that he didn't automatically think of talking to me about it. We're going to be a team, right? But, we are BOTH used to handling everything ourselves; hence some adjustment and the need for more communication on both sides.

And of course my data collection has been stalled and I have not resolved what to do about the people who won't talk to me. I think this frightens me the most. I can't be someone dedicated to my dissertation (and therefore not employed full-time) when the dissertation is not happening. Of course I should go back to my post last week and my pep talk with my colleague. My dissertation will happen. In fact, she said she thought the only reason I might not figure it out is if I get a full-time job. So there you have it. I WILL FIGURE THIS OUT. I just constantly get messages that I won't. I haven't seen anyone graduate from our program in several years. I have seen women in exactly my position leave and never come back. I have seen them get jobs or have babies and do other things that mean they never finish. Now, I don't fault them for those things; there is certainly nothing wrong with jobs or babies. But I don't want to have gone through all of this only to never finish my PhD. So again, I WILL FIGURE THIS OUT.

And in the meantime, of course, we are planning a wedding. Seriously, did we need to be doing something else right now? But the most recent planning has been fun and gone well. It will be lovely. And I realized what is clearly an essential component of all of this. I want to get married. I love TMH and want to move in together and learn how to figure all of this stuff out. I trust myself (and him) to figure out how to navigate this new arena. Our lives are going to be awesome. We just have to figure out how to ease the transition into the awesomeness.

Recharged

Today was a great! Just wanted to update, in case anyone got too concerned about my previous post. I took a break and recharged. I am so grateful for my friends. I spent much of the afternoon with one of my best friends here. We have lot in common and have shared many of the same trials and tribulations of grad school (including the same advisor). We talked through some of my work issues, and her work issues, and all of our worries for the future, and suddenly we both felt better. Funny how that happens, right?

It's so much easier for her to be calm about my work and my position, and express confidence that I will finish ("you're so much more motivated than me!" "What, are you kidding? YOU are so much more motivated than me") just as it is easy for me to assure her of how well she's doing. It was nice to hear each other's insights and realize how things look from the outside (grad students have a big tendency to get too much into their own heads; as you may be able to tell from my writing, I have no problem thinking and thinking and thinking .... overthinking... losing perspective). It's crazy. I should get it, though. Grad students need a good support network. We definitely keep each other going.

I got home from my time with her and sat down to write. And I wrote and wrote and wrote. (Yes, I still have a problem with chemistry, but all is not lost. I can figure this out. You have a problem: solve it.) And then I went for a run. Whew. What a fantastic day!

My teeth hurt

So, while outward appearances may indicate that my life is awesome, my teeth are telling a different story.

As you may remember, I learned last year that I'd been grinding my teeth. Thanks, grad school. Never any sign of grinding until I entered this chapter of my life, and apparently I did some serious damage before I started wearing a mouth guard. I can tell that it's been getting worse again lately; my teeth ache when I get up in the morning! I am telling myself to be positive and I try to relax before bed but at night nagging concerns start to play over and over again in my head, on different channels that often overlap. You have the pleasure of getting some insight into them here:

1. Chemistry. Chemistry. Why won't the chemistry students talk to me? How can I convince them to participate? What if they don't? What will I do... what about my dissertation how will I finish it....

2. Work. Why do we have someone incompetent working for us? What's going to happen to the program when I leave? I KNOW IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM so why am I obsessing about it? Such a sense of obligation.... what am I going to do without this job as an anchor?

3. Moving. OMG I'm moving I have too much stuff what am I going to do with all of it and Gemi and what if TMH and Gemi don't get along and how are we going to afford everything and what if I don't get a job right away but that's OK because I have to finish my dissertation but what if I can't get the chemists to talk to me and I'm going to miss my friends and my life is so easy here and OMG I'm moving and how am I going to do all the things I need to do in May?

4. Wedding cupcakes. Chocolate or vanilla and what about decorations and we should just get cake and why do I even care I don't care about this kind of stuff but I want it to be nice and why is it so expensive and what if it's all too matchy matchy but no it will be nice and what about the dresses and how did I become someone who worries about this stuff?

OH DEAR. It goes on and on. Exhausting, right? You got it. My position as a fretter is definitely intact. The good news is that this just happens before I go to bed, so I am getting my money's worth out of my mouth guard, and people don't want to shoot me when they talk to me. I'm good. I'll figure it out... and clearly need to work on other ways to turn off my brain before bed!

And another thing...

I forgot to mention my AWESOME new computer. We have spent much of the afternoon getting acquainted, and I am hooked. From the aesthetics of the backlit keyboard and plum purple exterior, to the way the keys feel under my fingers, I am loving it. I feel like I do when I get new running shoes... like suddenly I will be able to fly. So, it's a good omen. Suddenly my dissertation will write itself, right?

Maybe not, but at least I am off on a good foot with my relationship with my new laptop! That has to bode well. Anything to make my work more enjoyable. It's also an important step in me cutting the cord between myself and my employer. I am getting my own feet (and my own equipment) under me! Go PMP.

Awesomeness

I am now officially addicted to how i met your mother. One of the best shows ever. Best. Shows. Ever. I love Barney and could quote him all day long. Something about the show just speaks to me; it rings true and the characters feel real. Yes, yes, I know I sound insane. It's just television. I am telling you, though, people. Start watching. You'll get it. My good friend very awesomely sent me all the episodes from season 1-3 (and it's because of her that I even discovered this particular love of my life... thanks again!) and tonight I finished watching them. Sort of like how you have to eat all the candy in the house so you don't have any around distracting you.

On that note I am giving up sugar again. It has to be done. My addiction was getting out of control (again), and Easter and all of its related candy just pushed things past the tipping point. Another reason is related to the current #1 reason why my life right now is awesome:

#1. Because I have a super gorgeous wedding dress that fits me like a glove. Like a glove. So much so that upon first trying it on I was afraid it was too small. Not so, it just wasn't hitting in the right spot; it fits perfectly. So they are putting in a bustle. No hem and no other alterations. How lucky am I? Now I just have to make sure I stay the same size. It's funny because I think I've been the same size for years, but now that my wedding dress depends on it I feel a little more stress than usual. So, no more sugar again for a bit, and added incentive to stick to my regular exercise routine. Funny, right? Just to be clear, it's not a wedding diet, it's a regular maintenance plan with added incentive. An amazing dress! So excited.

#2. Other wedding plans are going well and making me happy. Yes, there is some family stress and the usual "oh yeah I have multiple families and some people are annoying" nonsense. But with that comes the "wow, lots of people think I am awesome, yay me, screw the naysayers" attitude. Planning is good. I am excited about the wedding and we have made some big progress on it this week.

#3. My dissertation is dissertationing. I have almost all the data collected for one department. Yay for that. I am a little nervous because it seems the economists are more interested in talking to me than the chemists...not sure why. Tomorrow is a big work day in which I will tackle all of these issues, and try to figure out how to get the chemists to dish. But so far, my data collection is going great and I have made a huge leap forward this week.

#4. I went to a Grad Ball. Where graduate students actually got dressed up and danced and had fun. Like prom for (almost) grown ups. I debuted one of the new dresses I got for the May weddings. It was a hit, and the ball was so much fun. I haven't danced like that in years. I also got to practice some of the lines I've learned from how i met your mother... since I decided it was my job as the engaged one to be a good wingman and try to fix my friend up (and for once we were in a place where people wanted to meet). Haaaaaaaaaaave you met Jess?

#5. Trees are starting to bloom! Spring is coming. It's one of the best times of year to live in this place (September is another great time, hence the wedding date). This is the time of year where you start to think that winter was worth it. I have only seen a couple of blooms so far, but in the next few weeks it's all going to pop. And I am going to wonder why I am leaving.

#6. Oh yeah, right. Because I am awesome, and I am moving to an awesome city to live with my awesome fiancee in an awesome apartment and finish research for my awesome dissertation. Right. Good decision. "When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story."

Keep it coming... I'm on a roll!

1. I got access to my data this morning (student names and email addresses)! HOORAAAAAAAAAAY! I sent out emails this afternoon asking for student participation in my research. Can you believe I already have three interviews set up, and I only sent the emails a couple of hours ago? A good beginning, I should say. I am really doing this thing.

2. My phone seems to have recovered completely from Gemi's water attack. I would certainly not have predicted such a result! Yay for a renewed appreciation of my phone.

3. We officially have an awesome apartment!

4. TMH was here for the weekend and we planned our lives. Well, our lives for the next few months. I kept saying we had all these big things to discuss (our wedding, everyone else's weddings, our move, finances, etc) and he kept saying not to worry. We had some time in the car to chat---We visited his family and saw his little niece. She's the cutest ever. We dyed eggs and had an egg hunt in the backyard, and can I tell you how much I am loving my role as Auntie P? She has trouble with long names... but I was amazed by how much language she has. She's not even two!--- and we really did figure everything out on our drive. We had such a good weekend. And yes, things are going to be hectic and stressful and crazy and maybe scary... but they are manageable and exciting at the same time!

So I am moving forward. Doing it all! It's going to be a crazy week but I am happy. And the sun has been coming out more regularly recently. That helps a lot. Plans made.... ready, set, go!

Lost and found

So today wasn't the best.

I woke up to a dead phone. Note to self: don't put phone next to water glass in house with cat who loves to play with water. It's drying out now, and was working earlier. It may be a lost cause, or it may turn out OK. We'll see.

I found out that I didn't fill out the right paperwork to get access to the data I need. No one bothered to tell me. I know I have to accept some of the blame, but since this is all new to me you would think my advisor or some other person who is supposed to be helpful could have let me know. You wouldn't believe how many people have looked at this paperwork. And for the past two weeks they've been telling me it's almost ready. And then when they are about to give me the data they realize they can't. THEY CAN'T. And now that I know what's going on and can amend my form appropriately, it will take "at least until the end of next week." All I can say to that is WTF. No wonder universities get a bad rap for their efficiency.

So, facing the prospect of no phone (which is no small thing for a woman who lives alone and had planned to make multiple phone calls this morning) and not good research news, I then got the news that one of the ducklings in my most favorite statue of ALL TIME, site of my engagement to TMH and generally just one of my favorite places ever was stolen. STOLEN. Again I say, WTF. Really? Is that funny? To steal a duckling statue? And the sad thing is that it was found only 4 blocks away. But it doesn't matter. The damage was done. It can't be repaired and the sculptor has to make a new one now, to fill the gaping hole they left behind. So sad and wasteful and ridiculous. What is wrong with people??? Don't they have any appreciation? So yeah, the duckling story pretty much sent me over the already precarious edge. That and the snow. In April. THE SNOW.

In GOOD news, TMH and I officially have an apartment, and "I'm going to love it." I am so glad that we have a nice place, that it's in a good location, that we seem to have managed to find character and convenience at the same time. Then he started talking to me about moving plans and trucks and movers and I became short of breath and told him we'd have to wait a bit to talk about it. It was just too much to add to the day. It's not that I don't want to go... of course I do. It's just a lot. I know I keep saying it's going to be hard to leave this place, but it is. And what if I don't have my data?? I know that much of my life here is temporary anyway... and this is just the natural progression of things. I know. It is good news and all will be well.

And another good thing: How I Met Your Mother may be one of the best shows of all time. Seriously.

So what. I am a rock star.

TMH likes to sing this song to me sometimes. It's inspiring. He changes the lyrics. "So what... I am a punkin' (he alternates PMP, punkin [not sure where that came from, and not to be confused with pumpkin], and lones [from pantalones] most frequently) I got my punk moves." Yep, that's me. I got my punk moves.

This week was interesting. I made minor progress on my dissertation- one more faculty interview- but that was a major relief because it was with a department that I was worried about cooperating. I am STILL waiting for access to student data. Every couple of days I get an email from the woman asking me another question, and every time I think I might be about to get the data. And then I don't. She confessed the last time that she was new to all of this. I was hoping to have it by the end of last week so I could start setting up student interviews now, but I still don't have it. Maybe tomorrow... I can't lose another week.

I am doing better at staying calm, though. I am doing all I can do right now. I just have to take it day by day and adjust accordingly. Because it was a relatively slow dissertation week I took the opportunity to do other things to plan ahead for the coming storm. I started cleaning out my apartment and taking stock of everything to keep and get rid of... yikes! I also researched and ordered myself a new computer. I'll have to give my work computer back all too soon and I need to get my "dissertation laptop" up and running. I am very excited for it to come. I took advantage of some deep student discounts... it should be a very nice machine. Most importantly, it will be plum purple!

So, online shopping was a big activity this week. Computers, dresses (for weddings- we have SO many coming up), baby gifts, apartments. It's been a huge stressor that we still don't have a place lined up. Yesterday TMH found a great place, and someone came in right after him and put money down (while he was on the phone with me confirming that we should get it!) We were so disappointed... but then today he saw another place that was even better, and it looks like we are going to get it. Of course it's not official yet, but I am super optimistic. This place sounds amazing. 2 bed, 2 bath, working fireplace, new appliances, washer/dryer in unit, NO cat rent, in a great location. Character and new stuff at the same time... can it be? So maybe we can have it all. I can't wait for it to be official! It will be an exciting first step in starting our lives together. We're not kidding ourselves; it's going to be a bit of a transition! An exciting transition, though.

So, let's hope for a good week ahead. I will do a dance of joy when I get my hands on this student data, and it WILL happen. And when our apartment is confirmed...and we can start really planning. On the weekend TMH will be here and we'll get to have a fun Easter with his family. I am excited to see his little niece again. I am well-suited to being Aunt PMP. And so I say "so what" to everything else!

Still here

I just realized it's been two weeks since my last post. I'm still here... still making it through. But you could say I've been a bit busy:

1. Looking for an apartment. TMH and I still haven't settled on anything. I could rant about cat rent and trade-offs and all that stuff, but you don't care. It's been time-consuming and frustrating because when you get an apartment you are always settling and you always feel like your money is going out the window. I know I am done with living in apartments; we are both over it. But we need a transitional place... for at least the next two years, before we can figure out where it might make sense to buy. I wish we could have resolved the issue when I was there for spring break, but such is life. He wants me to go back this weekend to do a final look, but I am tempted not to, even though I know it's a big decision. Maybe we did enough together for him to handle this final part...I've just been going non-stop...and really could use a weekend at home (But so has he. Stress level=high).

2. Travelling. I also just got back from the professional conference I go to every year. It was awesome, but exhausting. I left here with a cold so it's not surprising that I lost my voice while I was gone. But it was great. Got to see my old advisor, who continues to be the most enthusiastic mentor I have. He was so happy to hear of my progress. I also started to wax nostalgic about my 7 years of active participation in this group. My colleagues were excited to hear of my dissertation and my coming wedding. Even when I leave my current job, at least I will still have this group (which will continue to include many of my current coworkers)... for the time being.

3. Dissertationing. So in addition to all that going on I have hit some bumps with the dissertation. To be expected, I know. I have to tackle them this week. The hardest thing is getting people to agree to talk with me, and I am having trouble getting access to some data at one school. UGH. I am doing a good job of taking it one step at a time right now. I am learning calm from calming friends (you can only do what you can do) and TMH. I can do this!

4. Planning. I really have two months left in this town and there are a bunch of wedding things I want to do here before I move. Have my dress fitted, taste cake, plan the rehearsal dinner. You know. I also have to plan other things, like going to other people's weddings, moving, and other logistics of many kinds. I did much of that sort of organizing today, with the hope that it will help me feel more at ease with the week.

So I'll keep doing it all! Give myself a break when I have to (like now, I can't really talk to anyone since I lost my voice, and that's OK) and keep moving forward.