Living Wise at 35

Hello faithful reader(s?). Yep, PMP has turned 35. It's hard to believe, isn't it? I had a bit of a shock, somehow. 35 sounds bad, especially to women. It's a new age category for most things- like when pregnancy suddenly becomes high risk, for example. It's the other half of your 30s, on the way to 40. I mean, I don't have to tell you why 35 sounds scary. You are all living it! I think the key to getting older is not to worry about how the age sounds, but rather how you feel. I feel awesome. My new age really does sound kind of scary, though. I think 36 will sound better.

At the same time, this may be my best year yet, and in fact my 30s thus far have been fabulous. I mean, look at me. I married a great guy, I'm teaching at a fantastic school and working on something I feel passionate about, I'm "almost" done with my PhD, and living in a great place. I really cannot complain, and I understand why you want to kick me in the head when I do.

But it is a big, emotional time for me. I opened my mom's birthday card on my birthday morning and burst into tears. There is that. All things related to my mom get me going these days. Then there's the fact that I am teaching at a fantastic school, and have in fact been working quite diligently for the past few weeks and I still don't really have any details of my employment. It's really ridiculous. I have an office and a computer and students and all the trappings of a job, but no piece of paper or promise of income yet. I don't mean to be dramatic. I know they will pay me, at least as a consultant. But still, details of that have not been announced. Some days, especially when I take criticism from the woman I work for, or my task seems to be particularly onerous (Quote of the week: "the Koreans in your class suck all the energy out of the room with their reluctance to speak"), I get mad. I mean, I clearly care too much about this, when others at the school who actually have jobs don't care enough. I put my foot down a bit more this week (Hahaha, as I launched two classes, isn't that funny? But I really did put my foot down as much as I could without quitting), and I expect action soon. I do feel optimistic still, that in the end all of this is going to pay off, but my timeline for waiting for it to pay off is getting shorter. The underlying uneasiness caused from working under such uncertain conditions is wearing on me. This semester may be it for me if they can't get their act together. At the same time that I don't have a job, all the muckety mucks are running around talking about how great my classes are, and bragging about the program because it is making them look good. How's that for irony? I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Then of course there is the defense. Holy scaryness, Batman! I have not heard one peep from my advisor since I submitted my draft. I know that's not surprising, but it is starting to wear on me as well. The defense is scheduled for two weeks from today. I hope the date holds. I am kind of holding my breath on this issue, too, waiting to see if someone all of a sudden has a ridiculous concern that should have been shared a year ago. Or, a legitimate concern that got lost somewhere. It could happen. For now, though, I have to try to prepare as best I can and assume that in two weeks I will face the firing squad. In any case, I do know that I am almost there, whether it happens in two weeks or not, it is going to happen soon and I will be able to move on with my life. Move on to what? Hmm. Something else to add to my list, depending on what happens with my fake job. Our lives could change dramatically this year, depending on jobs and where we live, etc. We'll just have to see what adventures are in store.

So my main goals for 35: be positive, and learn how to handle uncertainty as positively as possible. Stuff happens. I can handle it. Instead of being nervous, and worry about what comes next, I want to work on being excited about the possibilities. I have worked hard and I am in a good place and I am equipped to deal with what comes. So on that note, I am looking forward to a very exciting year ahead!