The turtle doesn't make progress unless he sticks his neck out

One of my Chinese students told me this when I asked her about her graduate experiences here in the U.S. She said you just have to try, and you just have to take risks, and sometimes you don't really know what's going on but you can't just hide in your shell. Right. Very good advice.

I am struggling to stick my neck out these days. I got myself a Spanish conversation partner, which is great. I got myself a student to tutor- also great. I have upcoming meetings with deans and such to consider my future employment at a premiere university (the observation went really well... a very positive experience...). So I stuck my neck out on those fronts. I am awesome.

So what's the problem, PMP? Well, I am not writing. I am hiding in my shell not doing it. It's too hard. I am not sure what I am doing. I am a perfectionist and a procrastinator (I learned something from my student's presentation on the stages and the psychology behind procrastination, though unfortunately nothing that has made me kick the procrastination monkey. Basically, we set the bar unreasonably high for ourselves and then we are afraid that nothing we do will measure up, but if we make ourselves run out of time we can let ourselves off the hook for the quality of the work. Doesn't that just sound ridiculous, and annoying? Oh yes, but it's happening, in a torturous way, every single day. I really just want to scream). I continue to struggle to get feedback from my advisor. I am adrift, so to speak, and I spend way too much time alone to be healthy, despite my efforts to branch out. I know I just have to sit down and do it, every day. Every day I have to make myself write. That's been the plan. Some days I do. I show up at the library and I plod through. Other days, well, I just don't. I stare at my computer and nothing happens and I just want to throw it out the window. I have heard all about the PhD student struggle, but I never thought it would be this hard. I mean, the motivation should be there. I *might* get a "real" job sooner than I expect and I won't have time (this is highly unlikely, but if we want to be optimistic it *could* happen). TMH and I are planning our awesome vacation and I need to have something substantial done before we go. My timeline is sitting there looking very formidable; at least I am not behind it yet. Time is flying by so, so quickly and before we know it spring will be here and I will be freaking out about the chances for me to graduate. OMG. I just have to do it. Maybe it will be terrible, and maybe no one will ever read it, and maybe, maybe, maybe. I can maybe myself all day long, but clearly that does no good. I just have to do it, plain and simple, every day. So here I go.