PMP: 6, Dissertation: 2

So, I'm winning now. I finished my chapter. I. FINISHED. MY. CHAPTER. I finally put an end to the torture. I'm being optimistic and just giving the dissertation two points here... one is the concluding chapter, and the other is revisions (which likely deserve more points). I have 6 points because I have now written 6 chapters.

Now I just have to get revisions. I have technically written all but the conclusion, but the revisions could be anything from not-too-much to major, so we'll see. I need to wait for feedback, which brings me back to the usual worries about getting feedback. We'll see... maybe this time it will be different. Most importantly, I am doing what I can do.

So things are proceeding according to plan. It's been a good week. I finished my chapter, took an official day off with a girlfriend and went to the outlets and to the beach (could there be a better way to spend a day?) Now it's the weekend, next week I am hoping to meet my advisor, then next Friday I have a meeting with the big wig deans to debrief my year at the University here (we'll see if they say anything interesting about next year, but I am not holding my breath), and then on Saturday TMH and I are going on our annual vacation to see my mom and go to the beach. I can't wait. Can't wait, can't wait! And now I am in a good place to enjoy the break. Once we get back, I can work on whatever feedback I get in the 1.5 weeks I have before summer school starts. See, things are ticking over, as my mother would say. I turned another corner.

Onward!

Just smack me

I'm better today. On the good side of the line, I should say.

New and improved attitude. Check.
Less whining. Check.
Take issues one at a time. Check.
Focus on problem solving (i.e. what can be done rather than what cannot be done). Check.
Get stuff done! Working on it.
Remember what's important. Check.

All good.

Oh, and why wait three days to call a girl? Because of Jesus.... high five.
But just as an aside, TMH did NOT wait three days to call me.

Recharged

Today was a great! Just wanted to update, in case anyone got too concerned about my previous post. I took a break and recharged. I am so grateful for my friends. I spent much of the afternoon with one of my best friends here. We have lot in common and have shared many of the same trials and tribulations of grad school (including the same advisor). We talked through some of my work issues, and her work issues, and all of our worries for the future, and suddenly we both felt better. Funny how that happens, right?

It's so much easier for her to be calm about my work and my position, and express confidence that I will finish ("you're so much more motivated than me!" "What, are you kidding? YOU are so much more motivated than me") just as it is easy for me to assure her of how well she's doing. It was nice to hear each other's insights and realize how things look from the outside (grad students have a big tendency to get too much into their own heads; as you may be able to tell from my writing, I have no problem thinking and thinking and thinking .... overthinking... losing perspective). It's crazy. I should get it, though. Grad students need a good support network. We definitely keep each other going.

I got home from my time with her and sat down to write. And I wrote and wrote and wrote. (Yes, I still have a problem with chemistry, but all is not lost. I can figure this out. You have a problem: solve it.) And then I went for a run. Whew. What a fantastic day!

Keep it coming... I'm on a roll!

1. I got access to my data this morning (student names and email addresses)! HOORAAAAAAAAAAY! I sent out emails this afternoon asking for student participation in my research. Can you believe I already have three interviews set up, and I only sent the emails a couple of hours ago? A good beginning, I should say. I am really doing this thing.

2. My phone seems to have recovered completely from Gemi's water attack. I would certainly not have predicted such a result! Yay for a renewed appreciation of my phone.

3. We officially have an awesome apartment!

4. TMH was here for the weekend and we planned our lives. Well, our lives for the next few months. I kept saying we had all these big things to discuss (our wedding, everyone else's weddings, our move, finances, etc) and he kept saying not to worry. We had some time in the car to chat---We visited his family and saw his little niece. She's the cutest ever. We dyed eggs and had an egg hunt in the backyard, and can I tell you how much I am loving my role as Auntie P? She has trouble with long names... but I was amazed by how much language she has. She's not even two!--- and we really did figure everything out on our drive. We had such a good weekend. And yes, things are going to be hectic and stressful and crazy and maybe scary... but they are manageable and exciting at the same time!

So I am moving forward. Doing it all! It's going to be a crazy week but I am happy. And the sun has been coming out more regularly recently. That helps a lot. Plans made.... ready, set, go!

Getting to yes

Guess what?!

I got to yes. He said YES. YAY! I am so pleased. Not only did he say my work would be of great interest to them, he offered to help me identify particularly receptive departments and introduce me. He said that I would get much better cooperation that way (as opposed to cold calling). He wants to help me do my work! The meeting couldn't have gone better, really.

I was honestly shocked. Maybe it's good that my contact there told me I had no chance... so I was super-prepared and expecting the worst.... and met with the absolute opposite result. Amazing!

Never mind the fact that this guy is powerful and has a job I would love to have in the future. If I can develop a good relationship with him, he will be a great resource/reference.

Thanks for your support and advice and such. It really means a lot to me. This is the beginning of an exciting new chapter, I can feel it. Triumph!

Looking up...

Some happy words and thoughts for today:

PRODUCTIVE meeting with advisor today.

HELPFUL ideas and suggestions as I move forward.

CONFIDENT that I will proceed on schedule.

SUPPORTIVE faculty and peers.

Now, if I could just write a complete sentence and finish my final papers once and for all!

The meeting and its aftermath

On Friday I had a meeting with my advisor. So, PMP, what's the big deal? You have meetings all the time.

Yes, well I knew this meeting might be big, but I had no idea HOW big. It started out with my advisor being an hour late (good thing I didn't let his lateness even throw me off for a second), and ended with him shaking my hand and patting me on the back as I left his office with my life plan. I didn't realize that February 29 would be such a big day in the life of PMP. Funny coincidence that it's leap year. I wonder where I'll be in 4 years...

We hammered out the details of my schedule- for summer, for A exams, for proposal, for data collection and for writing. I hesitate to put the dates here, because I am afraid of potential wrenches (and understand that there could be a delay at any step along the way) but it all seems very reasonable right now. Scary as shit, but reasonable. In between he told me how much he had seen me grow and develop intellectually (intellectual maturity is my new favorite term), and how he was excited about my progress, and my project.

One purpose of the meeting was for me to have an update to give my potential and still unconfirmed third committee member. So, right after the meeting, armed with confidence, I emailed him and said that I was ready to have my first committee meeting at the end of the semester... and was he on board? And... HE IS. He just sent me the nicest email this afternoon, about how he is happy and honored to be on my committee. Because he is new there is still some bureaucracy he has to go through, but the bottom line is that he can do it. Even better, he wants to do it.

I am gradually letting these things sink in:

• I have a committee!
• I have a plan of work!
• I have a plan that should let me live with TMH more permanently come January 2009!
• I have a TON of stuff to do (which is actually good... I can organize my list now and know that all of the things I am doing are directly helping me accomplish my goals)!

So, things are coming together. All of the details that I have been stressing about are starting to get nailed down. Now, don't get me wrong: I know I have a long road ahead, and I know it will be full of challenges, but at least I know I am on a road... and the directions are getting less and less fuzzy. So, on that note, I best get back to work. Go, PMP!

Once upon a snowy morning...

I am sitting here in TMH's apartment, and I can barely see out the window. It is snowing, snowing, snowing. I am so happy to be here, safe and warm and inside on my own. I have been looking forward to this time all week. A day all to myself, and time to actually get something done! Before I get anything done, though, I want to drink my coffee, and take a little time to reflect and enjoy.

TMH and I had a great weekend last weekend at my place, and then for scheduling reasons, and because I had a friend already driving here, I decided to come to his place this weekend. I am so glad I did. (It made such a difference not to be driving on my own!) I felt like I was running away from home yesterday, and definitely away from work. Things have continued to be hectic, though I think I have been handling it better than I was before, and mostly succeeding at keeping my positive attitude. The biggest problem is finding time in my schedule to work on my own work.... the main reason why I am so excited for this Friday on my own.

I am a little worried about TMH. When I got here at 9:30 last night, he wasn't even home yet, and when he did get home he had to keep working. He didn't come to bed until 1:00 and was up again at 6:00. He looks really haggard. Poor guy. I hope he can get some rest this weekend. I felt the same way when I saw him last weekend- this project is not good for him. Hopefully once it ends he will be able to get back to a healthier routine. The trouble is, I don't think the project is ending anytime soon.

There is not a lot of other news in the world of PMP and TMH. I am excited because we are going to D.C in April for a wedding. We'll get to see his brother while we're there. TMH thinks it's funny that I am obsessed with this wedding already, but I am filled with curiosity. The bride and groom grew up in the U.S. but their parents are Indian, and apparently fairly traditional. The elaborate invitation is written in two languages, in very ornate script. I have to check my language book (I feel like I should know which language it is! I can guess Hindi, but I'm not sure). The ceremony is from 11:00-1:00 (!) and then the reception is at 6:00. We have no idea what to expect, but I am sure it will be interesting. Clearly it's an all-day event! Whatever should I wear to such at thing? See, I always ask the really important questions. We have this event to look forward to in April, and a long Easter weekend in March. Otherwise it's work, work, work for both of us. We hope to make our May beach trip a bit of a tradition, too. We can go see my mom and go to the beach when the semester ends. Yay!

It's funny to think about the beach when the snow is getting heavier and heavier outside. I am just waiting for a big car accident- I have a view of a major road. Hmmm. I was planning to work at the apartment this morning and then go to the university this afternoon to work. Since it is looking more and more likely that I'll do my research at The University here, I figured going to spend time there on my visits would be helpful, in terms of helping me focus, informing my questions, and getting comfortable in the space. I need to put on my anthropologist hat. Of course I worked there last summer, and will likely work there again this summer, but that's different than spending time over there and thinking about my research. I am looking forward to it.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Up and up...

An UPdate:

1. I opened my cards this morning for Valentine's Day and nearly cried. Even though my loved ones are mostly far away, I feel very lucky and loved.

2. My class went well this morning. I have a really nice group of students this semester. I think they appreciated the fact that I brought them conversation hearts. They really must think Americans are so ridiculous with their traditions, but I feel some burden to enlighten them (in a fun way, of course). Plus, conversations hearts are English, right? Almost.

3. When I went back to my desk after meeting with students, my computer was back! YAY. It was miraculously restored! They caution that I still may need to look for a more long-term solution (and my boss seemed to indicate they would get me a new system). I feel such a huge sense of relief.

4. I did NOT go to the staff meeting today. FREEDOM.

5. I left work today knowing I do not have to go back until Monday. I finally have some time to concentrate on my own stuff. Again, I say, FREEDOM.

6. I DID go to the dentist to pick up my mouth guard. So far so good. As far as I can tell, I got the same product for less than half the price I was quoted at my dad's. That's ok, my car issues a few weeks ago cost twice as much as I expected, so it all evens out. Costing less is always better, though. I am excited about my mouth guard. I know, I know, I am a nerd.

7. I went running. The sun was out, and it was at least 20 degrees, so I had to celebrate the occasion. I had to make sure not to step in the wrong place (ice) but it was good. That helped me feel even more back in balance.

8. I caught up with a couple of friends on the phone, and made food for the weekend so that there's something around for TMH and me to eat.

So yeah, I am getting my groove back. Now hopefully I will be able to focus and move forward with my own work. I have noticed I have been blogging a lot this week. I think I must really need to process. Hey, that's what blogs are good for, right?

Again, happy Valentine's day, everyone!

A Brand New Day

I love Van Morrison. I kept his words in my mind all the way up the hill this morning, repeating them like my mantra. Somehow, it did the trick.

I bet you won't be surprised when I tell you it's been a shitty week. The days that followed the previous two posts were quite long, stressful and frustrating... I would have been better off going back to bed, really. It was basically just a series of unfortunate events. On their own each would have been manageable, but there was really one too many... and one too major: my computer died. DIED. Like damage to the mother board dead. It's my work computer, so my employers have to deal with it, but really it's my only computer. If you give a grad student a computer you would expect her to use it for everything, right? (I know I'm spoiled. I was hoping to avoid buying one until the next stage of my life became clear. We'll see how that works out for me. And, in my defense, it makes sense for me to use one computer for everything, since the parts of my life are so hectic and overlapping). So, it is so dead that the tech people told my boss they have to get me a new system. I don't know what she is going to do, since I am technically a TA now and I had a good computer from when I was a lecturer. I mean, they have to get me something, right? At the moment I am working on a temporary laptop, but I don't have any of my stuff. ANY OF MY WORK. My computer is like my security blanket, you know? Again, it's lucky it's a work computer because all of my work should be backed up on the university system, and should be able to be restored once I have a new system, should being the operative word. I don't think I need to tell you how stressful it is, not really being certain that I will get any of it back. Also, I don't think I need to explain how difficult it is to do your work when you don't have any of your work. That was yesterday's drama. On top of that, I have been working way more hours than I am supposed to. Things have generally been quite stressful...I'm constantly keyed up, and I wake up in a panic. Thank goodness I am finally picking up my mouth guard tomorrow. Surprise, surprise, my teeth hurt in the mornings now.

So, now for the flip side. Today was a MUCH better day. A brand new day. I woke up with a mind to shift my perspective. I just have to trust that my computer stuff will work out. I told my boss I was working too much (this was a huge breakthrough for me) and she lightened the load for the rest of the week (the major excitement is that I don't have to go to the staff meeting) and told me not to worry- she's concerned because I never complain, and I knew she was getting concerned anyway. TMH just sent me flowers (a gorgeous purple and red PMP bouquet!), and I got two cards and another Valentine's Day package (my mom sent me yummy homemade cookies)! And, most importantly, TMH is coming to visit this weekend. YAY!

Ah, and for those of you interested in weather updates, it warmed up dramatically, enough to rain, and then it proceeded to rain and snow and sleet and ice and such, just like the other week. I guess it was what you might call a wintry mix, which sounds way more exciting than it actually is. It's pretty disgusting out now, because it's all freezing over, so we'll have lots of crunchy, crusty slush, but I don't care. See, even the weather was no match for my "brand new day" attitude. Let's see how long I can keep it up...

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Highs and Lows

Highs:

I finally got to go grocery shopping today. That's a big deal. I now have food in the house, which is a really good feeling. Yay for food!

They were giving away free soft pretzels at the mall today. Again, yay for food. It was yummy, and free!

I found a pair of wool blend, lined pants at Target that fit me perfectly for a whopping $16.00. Yay for new pants. It was definitely the high point of the day. I needed new winter pants and I had been complaining about how all you can find in the stores now is stuff for summer. People up here are not ready for shorts and swimsuits, but they are everywhere. Target came through for me, though. Stores in the Northeast should be on a different schedule.

I went running despite the slush. That's will power, I tell you, and I feel better for it.

I did homework and wrote a paper due Wednesday. I am not usually so ahead of the game. I like the class and it's easier than the other work I have to do, so I did it. And, I had nothing else to do. I suppose I am here to study, so at least I can feel productive.

Lows:

I haven't interacted with any other human today, except for the people at the mall and the grocery store. My mom didn't even have time to talk to me on the phone.

So, yeah, that whole loneliness thing continues. I miss TMH. The friend I was supposed to see tonight cancelled. She is unreliable so I knew she would. That's ok. Maybe it's just my time to feel lame.

The 10-day forecast doesn't predict that the sun will come out AT ALL. It will be a bit warmer, at least for a couple of days, which means rain, before it gets cold again, so the weather generally continues to be dreary. And the groundhog (what's his name, Puschatowny Phil, or something?) saw his shadow so we are in for more winter. That's certainly not a surprise.

I have been watching chick flicks, which I think might be altering my view of reality. I wonder if TMH finds me dazzling, or thinks that I have changed his world. If so, he certainly would never say it. Who talks like that???

In any case, it's getting to be time for bed. Tomorrow is another day, as they say.

Oh, TMH is calling. Now, that's the real high point of the day.

Taking stock...

I am reminded of a line from Grosse Point Blank- "leave your livestock alone." Reunions and new year's as typical occasions to pause and reflect are probably not really necessary for someone like me, who seems to be in a perpetual state of reflection, but I do feel some obligation to mark the transition from 2007 to 2008, both years that I think will go down as big ones in the history of PMP. While I know I've come a long way in 2007 (just look at all the things I did- finishing my first year of coursework, having a hellish summer job and then winning an award at one of the best schools in the country, writing proposals, staying healthy and building my relationship with TMH are among the highlights) I have a feeling that 2007 was still part of the foreword: there is MUCH more to come. I have to look ahead right now, but I also have to live in the moment and be happy with where I am. For perhaps the first time, ever, I feel I can almost (*sigh*) do that.

I am home. One of my homes, I should say. The one where my mother lives. Once again I am sitting in the library that I sat in as a child after school... and once again the same librarian is here. You would think that by now I would have gotten used to the fact that many people tend to stay in the same place and do the same thing for most of their lives, and that's ok. In fact, it's admirable. It is 2008, though, now, and as TMH pointed out, that means we are getting older. Hmm. I think that I felt that way in 2005, and I am guessing I will still feel that way in 2010 and 2015. "Time marches on, and sooner or later you realize it is marching across your face." It's true that in many ways the passage of time is not so important... too bad the other ways are so difficult to ignore.

I am at a bit of a crossroads. My vaciones were wonderful. I really took a break. I even took a break from pondering. It was so refreshing to not even really think about anything for a while. TMH and I had fun in the sun on our beach vacation. We slept and swam (and swam with dolphins!) and ate and drank and forgot about life for almost 5 days. It was awesome. Then we both went back to our respective families to have Christmas, and then we reunited at his place to celebrate the end of 2007 and the beginning of 2008. The second part of our vacation was a little more reflective. We talked about the future, for one thing, and I realized, if I hadn't already, that I really have my work cut out for me in 2008.

I don't want to jinx myself- I hate to put things out there as goals in case they don't happen- but if all goes well 2008 will mark some major milestones for me and my PhD. That's exciting, but also a bit scary. I have A LOT to do. The good news is that TMH seems to be right there with me (figuratively, not literally. It sucks to be back to the distance thing after we were able to spend nearly 2 weeks together, but such is life). This is one reason I am at the library right now. Anxiety was starting to creep in. I need to get back to work, right away! It's time to get focused. Last semester's proposals were a good start, and now I need to move them forward and make them happen.

I don't have to be back at school for another week and a half, and part of me knows that it would be better to be back now so I could get more done, but the other part of me knows that I can work here (being back does not mean I wouldn't still procrastinate), I need to take this time to spend with my mom (who really is getting older- I know I say this every time I am here as well), and if I were back I would be lonely and freezing and wondering why I didn't just stay. So, I am here and happy about it. Next week I am going to see my dad and celebrate his 60th birthday for a couple of days, then I'll be celebrating TMH's birthday in the REALLY big city (not to be confused with his big city of residence) and then I'll be back at school. I just have to make sure that while I'm here I don't waste my time. Today was the day to get back into the mindset of my work, though, and I am doing it, and I am excited about it. So there!

Bring on 2008, with all of its anticipated trials and tribulations, adventures and milestones!

You keep using that word...

I do not think it means what you think it means.

(I am bummed that no one responded to my previous movie trivia challenge).

The overused words in my life right now are of a wide variety. Epistemology. I don't think anyone really knows what that means, as much as they would like to impress you by how much they do. Ontology, too. If you thought that things just mean what they mean, and you know what you know, boy do you have another thing coming. Unless you're not a grad student, in which case it doesn't matter in the slightest. Hmm. Regression. That's another big one lately. I wonder who decided it was a good idea to fit a straight line to things. And, why does our common usage of the word regression mean to go backward? Usually regressing is not a good thing, right? In statistics it's apparently the best thing you can do. Then there are the common words that are always buzzing around my head. Committee. Proposal. Stress. Craziness. Bad mood. BUSY. Bzz bzz bzzzzzz....

Given my stress, and my concern about how I will actually get everything done, I think I am mostly handling things OK. Do I sound confident, or what? This week has been one of the busiest I can remember, and I haven't even had any big papers due. That scares me. The big issue right now is that I am overscheduled. My days are so full that I don't have enough time to actually get things done, and even when I write things down it is easy to forget them. I have been starting to lose perpective...on the verge of a freak out... but I have kept it at bay. I am proud of myself (so far). I am doing my best... fitting things in... making stuff happen... pulling myself out of dangerous moods... only forgetting minor things. Let's hope I can keep it up as we enter the home stretch. That tread mill is starting to go faster, it's a slippery slope, yadda yadda yadda...

In committee news, I had a very positive meeting with the guy on Monday. That's all I'll say for now. It seemed premature to ask him, after only one meeting, but at least I haven't ruled out the possibility (I realized that I should shift my perspective. I was checking HIM out). He was nice and interested, which is way better than the alternative. It's sort of like dating. We can't get too serious too soon.... but we have starting the courting process. I am optimistic.

In TMH news, he is coming to visit this weekend. Yay for that! (I wonder what he'll think about my keeping the stats book next to the bed. He usually says helpful things, like "sometimes you gotta.") He helps me get out of my head a little bit... it will be nice to have a bit of a break from myself ... and see him, of course! Then in two weeks he'll be back, we'll see his parents for Thanksgiving, and it will be December. But, I am getting ahead of myself for now. One step at a time...

How hard is it to just decide to be in a good mood...

and be in one?! (Points to anyone out there who gets the correct movie reference).

I have been working on getting in a better mood. It has been a challenge this week. I am tired of being in a bad mood, though, so something has got to be done. Yesterday was particularly cranky. I took a lot of criticism on several different things that really aren't that important to me. Eventually a person has enough, you know? There is only so much criticism you can take. Of course, as a grad student, your threshold for criticism has to be rather high. This week in particular I feel like I have been forced to spend a lot of time on trivial things that really aren't that important, and then take flack for them. All of this negative energy caused me to make a list yesterday during my statistics class (he wasn't really talking about anything useful, and I was so mad I couldn't focus). This is what my list looks like:

GOALS
1. Don't take things personally.
2. Prioritize
3. React better to criticim (see #1).
4. Breathe
5. Rest
6. Run
7. Vent
8. Don't sweat the small stuff (see #2). Some things are not important.
9. Do my best with the constraints I face in the moment.
10. Try to maintain a positive attitude.

I felt better after making the list. I really have to try to live by it. I realize that things are only going to get more challenging as I get further into my work. I should not take it personally that my professor said she won't be on my committee. She is busy. I should not care about people who complain about things that I don't care about- it's a waste of energy. I have goals, but as was reinforced on Grey's Anatomy last night, "being aware of your crap and actually dealing with it are two very different things." I'm sure it's not surprising that these words really resonated with me.

I have started the day feeling better, though. It helps that I saw E last night and we watched TV and vented. (Sometimes too much alone time is bad for me- it can be easy to lose perspective). I also bought a new umbrella- it's very fun PMP. I have had a productive morning so far, and I have a meeting on Monday with another potential committee candidate. I have my work cut out for me this weekend, but I am feeling positive. So, for now, deciding to be in a good mood has been successful. Happy November, everyone!

Out of Hiding

I fell off the radar there for a bit.... I think it's only natural sometimes in the face of adversity. I just didn't really want to deal with ANYTHING. And, well, being super busy last week didn't help. I wasn't really off the radar, I suppose. I went to work and school and talked to people when necessary, but I feel like I ran away a little bit. I went to see TMH on the weekend, and I'm so glad I did. He has been super busy lately, and may not have even had any time to come here, plus I was in the mood to get away, so it worked out well. I even stayed an extra night, which made today really long, but it was worth it. We got to watch the World Series together, among other things. Seeing the Red Sox win was super exciting!

And now I'm back. I am not going to say that I am thrilled, but things are ok. TMH helped me compose a couple of emails on the weekend (writing emails to ask for help from people you don't know is hard) and now I have a confirmed meeting with another professor next week- someone my professor (who said no) told me might be interested in my work. TMH also suggested I contact one of his former professors. Upon further research I realized she is really a big-wig (intimidating and impressive record for any woman, AND she seems young), but our interests seem to match up, so I am optimistic that she will find some time to meet with me. We'll see how it goes. In any case, it will be good to see what these people have to say and what guidance they might be able to offer. I just need to be confident. The ball is rolling again, and I will try not to let it run me over.

The Time of Blah, Part II

So, my last post was too extreme, even for me. I am really not a drama queen. Things are not that bad. Really. I need to get a grip. So, I will. I am one who does what she needs to do. Right now, I need to get a grip. I am going through normal grad school stress, and I will get through it. TMH and I are going through normal being busy/living far away stress, and we'll get through that too.

In all my wallowing last night, I forgot the best news of all. I am a contributing author! It's really not that big of a deal- but one of my activities is now published!! So, things aren't so bad. Really.... though I think the Time of Blah is still a good title for my current feeling about life.

Labor Day

This day has many meanings. When I was little it meant the last day the pool was open. I never understood that one... not like it wasn't going to be hot for at least another month. It meant that it was almost time to go back to school. It meant hot dogs and a long weekend at the beach and all those cheesy American things that you probably think it meant. I hope it still means some of those things to some of you. Now, for reasons I find very sad, for me it just has symbolic meaning as the end of summer.

Why? My current institution of higher education does not observe Labor Day. WHAT? Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently the nerds who go to my school complained that Labor Day came too early in the year, and since they are paying top dollar for an education, it's disruptive and wasteful to have a day off so soon after the semester starts. Again, WHAT? That's the whole point of the day, from a student perspective: so you can ease back into the routine. No such luck here.

In any case, TMH had the day off, and we did our best to observe the holiday, and I did my best to avoid work- until he left town, at least. Not surprisingly, I am feeling a bit sad now. It's for the usual reasons, plus the Labor Day feeling- like summer went too quickly. He's gone- I had been looking forward to his visit for so long, my pretend birthday is over (though it was excellent-such a nice evening), it was over in a flash, the week is going to be busy (but my mom is coming at the end of it), I am getting old, etc, etc. You know the drill. The good news is that I spent the better half of the day (after he left) getting organized for the week and the semester ahead. I three-hole-punched stuff, organized notebooks, cleaned up my office, did my schedule, and even finished my reading. Yep, I did it. Bring on the week, and the semester ahead....

In our haste, though, let's just take a moment to acknowledge the symbolic end of the summer. It was certainly a good one.

Scheduling....

Well, I still don't have a good sense of my schedule. I went to 3 classes yesterday, and ideally I would take all 3. I don't think that's going to work, however. Of course all the classes I need are offered in the same year. I just have to see what happens today and tomorrow morning and then hopefully I can make a good decision. I may even get to meet with my advisor again... since I am also visiting his class on Thursday morning. I have realized that I better decide soon, or there's no way I'll be able to get all my work done for next week! These classes seem intense....

In other news, TMH is coming on Thursday night now. He will probably have to deal with me working a bit while he's here, but that's ok. It will be great to see him, for a long weekend, no less- and hopefully by the end of the week my schedule will be really settled, eleviating some of my current anxiety. I am also excited because we are going to celebrate my birthday a bit early... I get to have my birthday on two weekends this year. Yay!

Another Friday night....

And I ain't got noboby...
(Well, I do, but he's not here. I suppose I have my cat, and Foofy, but somehow that's not the same. It's starting to sink in that I live alone again. Bummer).

I know, I know, that's also not the real song. Still, it seemed appropriate. I just watched a piece about Cat Stevens. I forget what he goes by now. I have always liked him, regardless of his name, and was happy to see that he's gone back to music.

Anyway, it's been a bit of a week, to say the least. But, I survived.. and I am pretty happy. I am still sick, but I seem to be slowly getting better. I successfully crossed all the things I had to do this week off the list, and I think I did them well, if I have to say so myself. And of course I have to say so myself- I am back to the place where I hardly ever get feedback from anyone. I did have a productive and positive meeting with my advisor this week, and a brief but exciting conversation with my almost official second committee member. I guess this helps with my feeling that things are coming together. This semester I am shopping for my third committee member- so hopefully that goes well.

Work is ok- so far I am not so involved in it. Ok, I know, it has only really been 3 days, but I sense a change. I also really like the new guy. I think work might get easier... knock on wood. Let's not speak too soon... but so far so good.

I thought that my friends would want to go out tonight, since we are all back and it's warm out, but no such luck. I think we are all exhausted and overwhelmed- maybe summer ended to abruptly for everyone. I did get to see E yesterday, so that was nice. We had our first Target and Chinese of the year, so that made me feel more at home. She seems to be having an equally difficult transition. We just all need to get situated! I think after next week things will feel more settled. At least I'll know my classes and my schedule- at the moment everything's a little up in the air. Right now it is nice to be home and have some time to get organized, and back into the mind of school. I just read two of my final papers from last semester- and checked all my references, and found two books I need to read. Fun, right? I know this is why you aren't supposed to stop being a grad student over the summer- so you don't have an information gap (or memory loss) but what can I say? I had a job, and it was good and very worth it, and now is the time to get caught up on my other work.

After all my activities this summer, though, it does seem a little sad to be doing such things on Friday night. I know TMH is out right now- I certainly wouldn't mind to be back there with him. Oh well- he is coming next weekend for Labor Day, to celebrate my birthday a bit early, because then my mom is coming the next weekend, to celebrate my real birthday and her 70th! Unbelievable! I am really excited about both visits.

So, here's to the end of the first week... and a productive and happy semester ahead!

A lot of things... and an honorable mention

Where to start? I will revert to list format because of the number of things that have happened in the past 4 days... I will do my best to go in chronological order:

1. When I last wrote, I was happy and sad- bittersweet, I should have said. The last day of summer school went well- so well in fact that at the farewell luncheon and awards ceremony, I won an award- Honorable Mention for Excellence in Teaching! I was so surprised, excited and touched. When they called my name, all of my students ran up to the stage with me! They all took pictures with me, and told me how great I was. I was so surprised. It was emotional and overwhelming. After everything I went through with the class, it was such a nice way to end.

2. I went back to TMH's apartment after that- emotional and overwhelmed, and unprepared to leave. Of course I was also still sick. It always hits you at the end, right? So, I make it on the plane to fly home, and the flight was delayed. And delayed. And delayed. While we were all sitting on the plane, ready to go. Finally we went. At that point I really felt terrible. My mom picked me up from the airport at about midnight (I was initially supposed to arrive at 9). She seemed a little concerned. I was a complete mess. I was still happy about my award though. Just a little disoriented.... (to say the least)

3. I was home for a quick 2 days, and did my best to enjoy despite my continuing illness. It was so great to be home. We had a celebration for my mom's 70th birthday, but it was kind of anticlimatic- since I was not feeling well, and her real birthday is almost a month away. We'll have to find a way to celebrate more in September. She is threatening to come visit me here, so that would be good.

4. I packed up my car and my life to come back to school. Everything was ready to go, when I (and my worrying mom) noticed the front tire of my car looked low, even though I had just filled all the tires. It was annoying to think about getting it fixed and I was wondering how serious it really was (this is Monday morning, mind you, prior to the 9 hour drive) but when I went in to pack up the cat and put her in the car, she was nowhere to be found. NOWHERE. My mom and I searched. And searched. And searched. She is a smart girl- she knew we were leaving and she doesn't much like the car. Anyway, finally my mom said I should go get the tire fixed and come back. Sure enough, as soon as I left the house, the cat reappeared (careful not to reveal her hiding place, though) and my mom captured her. So, I came home, with a fixed tire (it was good I went in- the valve had a leak), cat captured, and left on my trip 2 hours late. About midway through the journey it began to pour rain. Not fun. Oh, and I forgot to mention that my car radio is not working, which means no music at all. Yep, I was pretty miserable. Still quite sick, too. Talking on the phone was one form of entertainment, though I have to say that the new AT&T sucks. Lots of dropped calls.

5. I got home in my usual frenzy of unpacking and organizing. It was a little tempered by my low energy level because of the drive and my illness. I was pleased with the state of my apartment. My cat seems to have gone right back into her usual routine. When I finally went to bed last night, she went to sleep at my feet, just like she always does. I wonder if she knows that it has been more than 2 months since she last did that.

6. Today I (and two of my colleagues) ran the orientation for new grad students in my department. We planned a lot for today over the course of the summer so it was nice to see it go well. The new students are so eager and enthusiastic. All of the continuing students seemed much more like me- tired and not so sure, and maybe even a little disoriented. I am a little nervous about getting all my classes and stuff figured out for the next semester and year. I have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow, so that should help. The stakes are getting higher, you know. It was great to see all my friends, though. All of us second year students are going through the same things... and I know we will help each other get through it. Nothing like being thrown right back into the fire....

7. I stopped by my work today. I have to start working tomorrow. It seems that things are more crazy than usual there. Two of our new hires from last year are gone (one left, one fired) and so we have one new guy. Yep, guy. We'll see how he handles/changes the dynamic of two crazy female bosses. Apparently the other person we hired backed out at the last minute, and my boss is NOT happy, to say the least. I am not sure what that means and I still haven't gotten the full scoop. I am sure it will come out over time. For once I was not there this August, and so I am not so involved in everything, at least at the moment. I don't mind. I need to let work take up less of my time and mental space. I am sure in time I will learn about everything I've missed, whether I want to or not!

So, it's clearly been an important couple of days. I hope that as I feel better and get back into my routine (or figure out my routine, I should say) the semester will go well. I think I need time to reflect on my summer teaching experience and what I can learn from it. It might turn out to be really important. Even just talking to my advisor about it briefly today got me excited- there is definitely a study there.

Of course I miss TMH, though I have been so busy that at the moment at least I haven't been dwelling on that. I can't believe that only a few days ago I was teaching summer school and living with him. Such an abrupt change! I should learn from my cat- just get back to my life here- and do the things that I do (and, more importantly, should be doing) here. She clearly doesn't need to talk to anyone about it!