Walk the line

I'm walking the line these days... between crazy and OK (sort of like Barney's Hot/Crazy Scale, only different).... though TMH might have become concerned recently that I have been drifting too far over, I always pull myself back. One moment I feel like I'm about to lose it and the next moment I recover myself. I know I have to keep myself on track. I feel like I could be drifting dangerously close to a bad place. It's moments like these in life when you really can go crazy. So, I just have to make sure that I don't.

It's hard for me to leave this place and a job I have given much of myself to for 5 years. I have never lived anywhere for 5 years, much less had a job for that long! It's hard for me to give up my car. I love my car, as you know, though now I am actually concerned that she last for the next 1.5 months (maybe she knows I am about to give up on her). In a tangible sense I am giving up my independence, if you want to take job and car (and apartment) as symbols of independence. They are definitely symbols of stability in my life. I am giving up my stability for the time being. And you know I was raised to be independent ("always keep your own money"; "make sure stuff is put in your name, too") from the mother who never expected to get divorced. Now, for whatever reason (despite much evidence to the contrary) I have stayed optimistic and I believe that healthy relationships are possible. The big issue here is that times are tough and my summer job may not be a sure thing. If I do have the summer job, all is well. I have income, and therefore my own stability for the foreseeable future. I can then write my dissertation with the comfort of knowing that I am doing what I need to do... with a chunk of my own financial security. The larger issue is that I have to get used to the idea that part of my stability will come from TMH. And that's good. It's supposed to be that way, right? We are getting married after all. So we have to adjust to these issues.

Currently they are exacerbated because of random, stressful complications. Our future landlord said she was fine with cats and then the lease says no cats. WTF? Given my current mindset I did not react well to the prospects of finding another place to live. I think (fingers crossed!) we resolved the issue yesterday but it was a good case of TMH and I both thinking we could work it out on our own and me basically getting frustrated that he didn't automatically think of talking to me about it. We're going to be a team, right? But, we are BOTH used to handling everything ourselves; hence some adjustment and the need for more communication on both sides.

And of course my data collection has been stalled and I have not resolved what to do about the people who won't talk to me. I think this frightens me the most. I can't be someone dedicated to my dissertation (and therefore not employed full-time) when the dissertation is not happening. Of course I should go back to my post last week and my pep talk with my colleague. My dissertation will happen. In fact, she said she thought the only reason I might not figure it out is if I get a full-time job. So there you have it. I WILL FIGURE THIS OUT. I just constantly get messages that I won't. I haven't seen anyone graduate from our program in several years. I have seen women in exactly my position leave and never come back. I have seen them get jobs or have babies and do other things that mean they never finish. Now, I don't fault them for those things; there is certainly nothing wrong with jobs or babies. But I don't want to have gone through all of this only to never finish my PhD. So again, I WILL FIGURE THIS OUT.

And in the meantime, of course, we are planning a wedding. Seriously, did we need to be doing something else right now? But the most recent planning has been fun and gone well. It will be lovely. And I realized what is clearly an essential component of all of this. I want to get married. I love TMH and want to move in together and learn how to figure all of this stuff out. I trust myself (and him) to figure out how to navigate this new arena. Our lives are going to be awesome. We just have to figure out how to ease the transition into the awesomeness.