Full Circle

Needless to say, it's been a long time. I couldn't just let the blog die without comment though. It's time for some closure.

So, I am now officially PMP, PhD. Or Dr. PMP, if you prefer. It's hard to believe but it all happened as it was supposed to. I had a great time going back to school for the defense, which coincided with our one-year wedding anniversary. I felt it was a time to freak out, but then reflect on all the work I have done to get where I am. Of course TMH was there with me; I couldn't have made it without him and his support. I also couldn't have made it without the support of many of you, so thanks for that, people! As I walked down the hill after the defense I thought about all the times I walked up and down that freaking hill. All the work, all the highs, all the lows, all the worries. And just like that, suddenly, it was all wrapped up. My committee patted me on the back and commented on my drive to push through, which is, in the end, how I made it.

So I defended at the end of September, completely lost the month of October (You mean I still have to go to work? I did the bare minimum), and finally got the final approval in early December. There were some dramas there, as you might expect, but in the end they didn't matter. I did it! No one can ever take it away from me.

So here I am, Dr. PMP. TMH and I went to Australia for the holidays, and had a fantastic, fantastic time! It was a perfect mix of family and travel, and the perfect way to celebrate the end of my big chapter with the PhD. I am not sure exactly what's in store for me next; I am employed officially through May and exploring options and trying to create possibilities for beyond. We'll see. I've decided not to worry about it, seriously. I plan to just take life as it comes. I think I have learned (or proven to myself) that I can handle it. I am ready!

I haven't decided what to do with this blog. In one sense, it's time to end it. It accompanied me through the highs and lows of grad school, and it's time to move on. On the other hand, I like having a venue for pondering, and clearly I will continue to ponder as life continues. I have a list of goals for 2011, for example, and this could be a good way to chronicle them, though it may be time to reinvent myself in a new or updated venue. In any case, stay tuned for news of my next chapter...

You take the good, you take the bad...

You want the good news or the bad news first? It's a lot for one post but here you have it:

1. I have a job. A real, honest to goodness, give me an email address, give me an ID and make me official J-O-B. The deans and my boss had a meeting last week and they quickly agreed to all of our conditions. They want to take steps to making the program I have been working on permanent, and to start with, they want me to commit to working there in a temporary position until May. They want me to understand that this is a step in the direction of posting a full-time position for which I can apply next spring (they can't just hire me for this kind of job without doing a search, etc). Do you know what this means? I have a job, with no worries until May. My friend goes, "can you imagine just working there and not having to worry about it? what are you going to do with all your free time?" It's an excellent opportunity, with lots of possibilities for the future, I think. It's almost hard to believe, though TMH says it isn't, since I have basically been working towards this for the past year. Nice to see my work is paying off! I didn't get invited to the meeting but I saw some of the big wigs in the hall afterwards. They were all smiles, shaking my hand, and wishing me good luck on my dissertation defense, which brings me to my next good news.

2. My defense is on: officially scheduled for this Friday, 9/24 from 2:30-4:30. I was on the edge of my seat all last week waiting for the date to fall through, when I finally got an email from my advisor saying that my committee seems generally pleased with my draft and it is all systems go for Friday! Oh my. The title of his email with that message was "so you can get some sleep." He must have known I was nearly exhausted from the anxiety of not knowing. So now I have that, and I am trying to stay calm about it and get ready for it at the same time. TMH and I are leaving here late Thursday night. He will work from there on Friday and go schmooze it up with his old friends and colleagues, and then I'll have my defense, and then we'll celebrate our anniversary. It's hard to believe we've been married for a year! And what a year it's been, honestly. Life is good. But that brings me to the dark shadow that is getting cast over this amazing time, the bad news.

3. My mother has Parkinson's disease. She was diagnosed last week. Now that I know what it is, it makes perfect sense. I have been doing research on it and she sounds like the textbook case. She does not have the tell-tale tremor, though. She has the slow reflexes and rigid muscles, and she is developing the shuffling gait and the stony face as well. I knew something was wrong and in a way it is a relief to know what it is (I'm not crazy, and she's not just old) and to have some explanation for the changes I have noticed in her. I am guessing she has had it for at least a year. It is probably why she fell and broke her hip over the holidays. When people at the wedding asked if she had had a stroke that's what they were noticing. Now we know. I think she has known and has been in denial about it for quite some time. Have I been in denial, too? I feel guilty but then I wonder what I was supposed to do. I told her so many times to go to the doctor- is it my fault that she only went last week? Of course we all want to pretend she is fine. When I talk to her about it, she goes back and forth between claiming she knew and being surprised that so many people had noticed the changes in her. I don't know. It doesn't really matter; we can't go back now. My hope is that she can manage the disease now, and take steps to get into a better place. But I also know that it won't be easy. She should not be living alone anymore in our big house. Well, I have been trying to work on that for years. She is nothing if not stubborn. I can't MAKE her do anything. So for now I am kind of stuck, waiting to see if she will take the medication (she didn't want to take it at first, but last time I talked to her she said she realized she has to), waiting to see how she handles it, waiting to see if she and her man can make some plans, or at least the groundwork for some plans to get into a different living situation. It's super scary and sad, and I am trying not to spend all my time stressing about this because I know it doesn't help. Ironically, the day I found out the news I got an email job posting for someone to do what I do now at our local university. Hmm. Do I need to uproot now and move down there? Is that what's best? I really don't want to do that, and I am sure TMH doesn't want to either. Is it premature? You have to appreciate the timing, in any case. At least where we are now I can get there quickly. But the questions I have running around in my mind! The day after she got the diagnosis she had a minor car accident, but an old lady with Parkinson's (read- slow reflexes) car accident. I had been waiting for something like this to happen before I knew she had this disease; I realize it could have happened anytime. She hit a brick wall in a parking lot because she was in drive instead of reverse. OH NO. What a bad week for my mom. That set off another slew of concerns. If she can't drive anymore she really can't live in her current situation for much longer. But maybe she'll start taking the medication and be OK again for while. But what if she's started a quick downward spiral? You can see where I have been freaked out by all this! I tried to go down to visit her over the weekend but she wouldn't hear of it. She told me to stay here and get ready for my defense, and that there was nothing I could do for her at home right now. I think she was right. It would have been too much, too soon, and too emotional. I need to pass my defense, for her as much as for myself. I am planning to go down in a couple of weeks. Hopefully by then the way forward will seem a little clearer. I am really trying to keep perspective on all of this. Really. Needless to say it's tough to do.

So there you have it, my three things. Two good, one bad. That's life. And on that note, I better get back to the start of my very big week.

Living Wise at 35

Hello faithful reader(s?). Yep, PMP has turned 35. It's hard to believe, isn't it? I had a bit of a shock, somehow. 35 sounds bad, especially to women. It's a new age category for most things- like when pregnancy suddenly becomes high risk, for example. It's the other half of your 30s, on the way to 40. I mean, I don't have to tell you why 35 sounds scary. You are all living it! I think the key to getting older is not to worry about how the age sounds, but rather how you feel. I feel awesome. My new age really does sound kind of scary, though. I think 36 will sound better.

At the same time, this may be my best year yet, and in fact my 30s thus far have been fabulous. I mean, look at me. I married a great guy, I'm teaching at a fantastic school and working on something I feel passionate about, I'm "almost" done with my PhD, and living in a great place. I really cannot complain, and I understand why you want to kick me in the head when I do.

But it is a big, emotional time for me. I opened my mom's birthday card on my birthday morning and burst into tears. There is that. All things related to my mom get me going these days. Then there's the fact that I am teaching at a fantastic school, and have in fact been working quite diligently for the past few weeks and I still don't really have any details of my employment. It's really ridiculous. I have an office and a computer and students and all the trappings of a job, but no piece of paper or promise of income yet. I don't mean to be dramatic. I know they will pay me, at least as a consultant. But still, details of that have not been announced. Some days, especially when I take criticism from the woman I work for, or my task seems to be particularly onerous (Quote of the week: "the Koreans in your class suck all the energy out of the room with their reluctance to speak"), I get mad. I mean, I clearly care too much about this, when others at the school who actually have jobs don't care enough. I put my foot down a bit more this week (Hahaha, as I launched two classes, isn't that funny? But I really did put my foot down as much as I could without quitting), and I expect action soon. I do feel optimistic still, that in the end all of this is going to pay off, but my timeline for waiting for it to pay off is getting shorter. The underlying uneasiness caused from working under such uncertain conditions is wearing on me. This semester may be it for me if they can't get their act together. At the same time that I don't have a job, all the muckety mucks are running around talking about how great my classes are, and bragging about the program because it is making them look good. How's that for irony? I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Then of course there is the defense. Holy scaryness, Batman! I have not heard one peep from my advisor since I submitted my draft. I know that's not surprising, but it is starting to wear on me as well. The defense is scheduled for two weeks from today. I hope the date holds. I am kind of holding my breath on this issue, too, waiting to see if someone all of a sudden has a ridiculous concern that should have been shared a year ago. Or, a legitimate concern that got lost somewhere. It could happen. For now, though, I have to try to prepare as best I can and assume that in two weeks I will face the firing squad. In any case, I do know that I am almost there, whether it happens in two weeks or not, it is going to happen soon and I will be able to move on with my life. Move on to what? Hmm. Something else to add to my list, depending on what happens with my fake job. Our lives could change dramatically this year, depending on jobs and where we live, etc. We'll just have to see what adventures are in store.

So my main goals for 35: be positive, and learn how to handle uncertainty as positively as possible. Stuff happens. I can handle it. Instead of being nervous, and worry about what comes next, I want to work on being excited about the possibilities. I have worked hard and I am in a good place and I am equipped to deal with what comes. So on that note, I am looking forward to a very exciting year ahead!