Vacaciones

Well, I here I am on vacation, sort of. I actually had to flee my mom's house, and the slow dial-up connection to do some work. I am sitting in the public library in my hometown, mostly done with my work, and feeling a bit nostalgic. A bunch of kids are sitting around me, doing their homework and waiting for their parents. I also used to sit here and do my homework. Let's not think about how many years ago that was. The librarian who was the librarian when I was little is still here. I've always liked him and I was happy to see him today. He used to eat his lunch at the Hardee's across the street, which was also the notorious sight of my first "real" job. In a way it is nice to see that some things don't change. I have to admit that it can be mildly alarming at the same time. I wonder about people who have always lived in the same place. I guess they don't think about such things.

Hmm. Where to start? Let's see. TMH and I had a great time at the beach. It was perfect weather, we ate yummy seafood, we had quality time, and most importantly we were just able to chill. Excellent vacation. He left Tuesday and since then I have been living my mom's routine. It's pretty healthy, I have to say. Wake up, swim for an hour, spend an hour or so eating healthy food, run some errands/do chores, do some reading, maybe go for a run, spend more time eating more healthy food (probably even veggies from the farmer around the corner), clean up, go for a walk, read/watch TV, go to bed. Everything slows down a lot when I'm at my mom's. It's not just the dial-up- there is an entirely different rhythm to her routine. Of course part of it is that she is getting old, but I think in general she has always marched to her own drum, at her own speed. When I am home now I do a pretty good job of just doing what she does- it seems the best way to spend quality time with her, and as you can tell from the way I've just laid it out, it is a nice life for vacation. Of course when I am not here I know she does other things, too. Her errands and chores may become a little more challenging, as she is starting to fix up the house in the hopes of selling it "soon." She is planning for her coming old age. This is the scary part- and it is why I do what she does when I'm home. I know that things won't be this way forever.

Oh well, I have finished my work now, and I only have a couple more days to enjoy this routine before I have to get back to school. Unfortunately I still don't have any confirmed summer job news. I know I will within the next few days, though. Time to go home and eat some more healthy food. I am attaching a couple of photos from the beach.

Wrapping Up

Today was my last official day at work. It was strange. I have a feeling that something happened to one of my coworkers... but I don't know for sure what it is yet. She sits over the partition from me, and we chat occasionally. She was in a really good mood in the early afternoon and then later she was NOT, post meeting with the boss. I said good-bye to her today before I left, and she didn't even really respond. Yikes. None of us will see each other until August now, unless of course some people don't come back.

My work place is unique, to say the least. I have already complained about some of my coworkers, but at the same time I understand the challenges they face. It can be difficult to work for our boss. It can be particularly difficult to understand what she wants. I was realizing the other day that it's really because she doesn't always know what she wants, but still. It can be frustrating for all parties involved. I have been caught in the middle, wanting to help them, feeling their pain, but at the same time getting annoyed at their behavior. It is interesting for me... someone interested in organizational theory. I just wonder how the place could run better. What is the answer? If I were in charge, how would I want to manage it? The group dynamics of six women of varying ages are fascinating. I am determined to capitalize on the learning component of this experience.

Lucky for me, I may have a chance to try to answer some of my own questions. Out of the goodness of my heart, I have agreed to go on a two-day retreat with my boss and her number 2 (who is not at all Dwight-esque, though she does like to intimidate her subordinates) to discuss the program and all its issues. So, instead of being confined to a sad conference room all day with these two women I will be out on a lake having the same conversation. I fear that progress will not be made, but I will do my best. I do have a vested interest in helping the program run more smoothly, though getting paid for it would be even better, of course. I will treat this like a Tuesday and Wednesday at work, and then Thursday I am headed south. Yippee!

It's been almost a week since I finished my class work and already I am feeling a little bit out of sorts. In the evening I have guilt that I am not reading or writing something. I have been going to work, and I still feel this way. I am taking it as a sign that graduate school is right for me... and that I really have to be good about putting myself on a work schedule this summer. I know that self-motivation is a key to grad school, and I have been concerned that I might not have enough of it. I am relieved that at least I have the thought that I should be working! I just have to make sure that this feeling translates into a productive summer.

There had been some thought lately that TMH might be coming here more permanently, but now that is looking less likely. I am not supposed to be upset about it, because I wasn't even supposed to think about it in the first place (because it was pretty secret and indefinite), but of course it's difficult. I know he has to do what's best for his career. Another reason that I know that I have to stay focused on my work is because the sooner I get done, the sooner we might be able to live in the same place. It's tough. We have done the first year, though, so I know we can do more. The distance is a barrier in some ways (ok, some BIG annoying ways), but in other ways it shows our commitment.

I guess I could start talking about my friends now- this post has taken on a range of issues. Instead I think I will close here, and focus on the truly important questions in life, like who the bachelor will choose!

"The capital of Maine is Montpelier, VT, which is near Ithaca, NY, where I went to Cornell."

Well, it's been another long week. The title of this post is for all of you Office fans. No more Office until September. That's sad, but the season finale was pretty hilarious. I do have to say that Montpelier, VT is NOWHERE near Ithaca, NY. TMH and I had to drive to VT for a wedding last summer. I can say with absolute certainty that VT is FAR away. Andy will clearly do anything he can to work Cornell into the conversation.

It was a good week. I think I am mostly recovered from the semester, though I now have new anxiety about what comes next. TMH was here this weekend, and we had a great time, as usual. It is now time for Sunday's stomach ache, but it is not so bad this week since I don't have pressing work to do and I know we will see each other next weekend. We are going to the Outer Banks for a couple of days, and I can hardly wait. TMH will only be there for a few days, but then I am planning to stay at my mom's for about a week.

On June 5 I will be back here working for my professor. I still have yet to iron out the details of that arrangement. He's pretty vague, but I have every reason to believe that it will work out. I also am still not sure about my teaching job for July. I did finally get an email back from my would-be boss and she said they only need 6 more students to register to fill my section, and that she was optimistic. I will choose to be optimistic as well, then. I also applied for another job on Friday. I have no choice but to try to keep creating options. Hopefully all the ambiquity will be settled soon!

You've come a long way, baby

I turned in my last paper of the semester today! Yay! Now it's time to rejoice and regroup. I celebrated the submission by taking a nap, going for a run, and sorting through my summer clothes. What can I say? At that point, I was ready for some quiet PMP time. I have a feeling more raucous celebrating will go on later in the week, as my classmates finish up their work and TMH comes to visit again.

It was a good semester, and a good first year of coursework. Reflecting on the year, I can see that I have really come a long way. Really. I am actually starting to feel like I know a little bit about what I might be doing. I know that feeling is fleeting...but then comes back... and I am starting to get used to that insecurity that comes with graduate school. As I already mentioned, I had some really positive meetings last week. All signs indicate that I am making progress! Of course they also indicate that I have a long way to go- I am not kidding myself. I am happy about the journey, though.

For the rest of the week I will be at work. I had successfully put it out of my mind for the weekend, but it is about to come back in full-force. I will be doing work stuff mostly full-time for the next 6 days (Not on the weekend, though. Yay for a weekend when TMH is visiting and I don't have work to do!). I guess when I look at it that way I really don't have anything to complain about. (It's way easier than writing papers, after all). I will choose to have a positive attitude about it. It will be fun. I am immune to my co-workers annoying behavior. It is time to get it done and go.

For now, I will also try not to worry that the Good University that "hired" me for the 6 week summer position still hasn't confirmed my contract. Stupid jobs that are dependent on student enrollment are hard on teachers, you know. It is unsettling not to be able to make firm plans. If you have been reading the blog, you probably thought the plans were firm. So did I! We'll see.

In a little more than a week, I will be on my way to the beach for a true chance to regroup. Most of you know how much I love and miss the beach... let's just hope my mind can be free by then. Wait, what am I saying? It won't matter. The beach is always the answer.

Good Busy

I am sure you all know the difference between good-busy and bad-busy. Today was a rare good-busy kind of day- the most productive and satisfying I have had in a while. Today I:

1. Sent Arrogant Prof a draft of my paper.

2. Studied for stats in the morning with my school/stats support network (Yay for having school friends). We have fun and get things done at the same time. We have our exam tomorrow from 7:30-9:30. I guess our professor doesn't care that Thursday is TV night. It will be quite a feat for me- I have to be smart at a very unusual time.

3. Had an end of the year luncheon at work. It was awesome. We went to a fun restaurant with a great view of the town. Of course we all over-ate... the desserts were the best. I can never say no to desserts!

4. Had a meeting with my coworker and finalized a proposal for a conference next year.

5. Had a meeting with my advisor. He is not one of the professors I have described here thus far. I really like him (good thing, since he's my advisor) but we don't meet that often so when we do the meetings become very high-stakes (We have to talk about my whole life at one time). He told me he was pleased with my progress this year and I am on track with my coursework (what a relief- that is definitely music to a grad student's ears). We also talked more about my work, and he gave me some helpful feedback. Finally, we confirmed that I will work for him for a couple of weeks, part-time, in June. This is good news- it will be extra money and good experience! I am still waiting for official confirmation of a 6-week teaching position starting at the beginning of July at a Good University near the home of TMH. It seems my summer is shaping up nicely. No matter what- I will be at the beach for Memorial Day and at home for a bit after that. I need a break!

6. Met briefly with another professor who will probably be on my committee. We confirmed that we will have a longer meeting next week to talk about my work in more detail. She was also very positive about what I am doing.

7. Got an email back from Arrogant Prof telling me how great my draft is. (It now starts with a paragraph that is part mine and part his). He said I am on track- all I need to do now is finish the paper and turn it in! That was very good news (I had NO idea what kind of feedback I was going to get).

8. Did work for work. Today that meant listening and rating more student speech samples. I am quite the expert on English language proficiency.

9. Came home and dragged myself out running. It was just too nice outside, and I was on a high from my good day and all my good feedback.

So, yay for productivity! Now I am exhausted, as you might imagine. I have to do a little more work, and make sure I get to bed early. Tomorrow will be another full day that will end with an exam. We might just have to go out afterwards. I will definitely need a beer by then!

A Tale of Two Professors

So, my professor for my literature review class set the bar really high this semester. He started off saying that in order to pass his class we all had to submit a manuscript for publication, and present our work to the department. We also had to submit two drafts of our work, in order to get ample feedback before we submitted it.

Our first drafts were due more than two weeks ago. I turned mine in on time, of course. Unfortunately I did not get any feedback on that draft until today. Let me back up a second: several weeks ago he realized it was unrealistic to expect that we could submit our work for publication so quickly- so he decided to take that requirement away. Then a couple of students complained about having to present to the department, so he removed that requirement as well. So, today he said we didn't even have to turn in a final draft, because we had all made enough progress! Ok people. I know I am a nerd, but this is a little bit ridiculous. I never thought I would be disappointed to have work taken away, but I feel that this professor just completely gave up on us. Abdication, is it? I can't imagine telling my students at the end of the semester, after all their hard work, that they didn't have to finish. The whole reason for taking the class was to have a supportive environment and guided feedback from a professor. Anyone can do a literature review without taking a class. Having a manuscript to submit for publication was also appealing. The opportunity to present my work to the department seemed like an added bonus- stressful, but productive. Now I have none of those things. I know you might say that I am a graduate student, so I should just do it myself. I knew that grad school was supposed to be self-directed, but doesn't this seem a little extreme? I will do my best to put myself on a schedule this summer and get my lit review ready, and really try to submit it. I do think there is value in having professors push you, though. Some might say being pushy is a way of being supportive. When they just give up, it's hard to know what to do. Of course, on the bright side, I have one less thing to worry about right now.

You may also be wondering what happened to the Arrogant Prof, and my sad paragraph. After a bit of a delay, he gave me lots of feedback on my new paragraph, and actually rewrote it for me. I must say, it sounds great. Does that mean I can just use his paragraph? I think I just might...
Ah, the contradictions of the day.

Sunday's Stomach Ache

Well, it's Sunday afternoon. TMH left a couple of hours ago, so I am transitioning back into work mode. I usually have a difficult transition, because we always have such a great time together. I spend a lot of time looking forward to the weekend, and working toward it, and then it goes by so quickly. I always get sad when he leaves, and then as a double whammy I have to get my brain back into my work, and dread what Monday morning brings. Thus, my stomach hurts- it's called anxiety.

For those of you who are familiar with the Enneagram, I am a classic 6- the Loyalist- "The Committed, Security-Oriented Type: Engaging, Responsible, Anxious and Suspicious."
http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeSix.asp

I am very in touch with my anxiety. When TMH leaves, guess what I do? Vacuum, do laundry, clean the kitchen and bathroom, get organized. Doing such things is somehow therapeutic. This is what I mean by transitioning. Now that the house is clean and the laundry is in the washer I have a much better chance of putting my mind to work. Today I also had the good fortune of getting a phone call from one of my best friends from overseas. She helped with my transition, for sure. She knows all about pesky long distance relationships, and she also may know a little something about the trials and tribulations of graduate school. Thanks, J.

All that's keeping me from my work now is this blog post and my own anxiety about the work I have to do. That is part of being a 6 as well- the fear that what I do will not be good enough, the pressure I put on myself, etc. I know that's an element of being a Virgo, too- they are known for being perfectionists. Who knows- in any case it is definitely part of being PMP. I know the only remedy for me is to do my work. So, I will do it, slowly but surely.

Before that, though, let me just say that I had an excellent weekend. The weather is perfect and life in general feels really good right now. Don't be alarmed by all my anxiety talk. It is something I have to handle, and overall I would say that I have learned how to handle it fairly well. You gain important wisdom as you get older: you learn how to make the most of who you are, as you are. See, my stomach doesn't hurt quite so much now.

TV Night

Thursday! And even better, it was my last day of classes. I have officially survived my first year of coursework- just two papers and an exam left. If I look at the rest of my work that way, it seems easy. So, I will look at things that way, just for tonight.
My dad sent me a cartoon a few months ago of a grad student's typical week- starting out with high hopes and then getting to TV night on Thursday and not knowing where the week went. Of course that never happens to me.
Today was a happy day. Lots of sunshine, and an exhuberance in the air all around. My class was in such a good mood this morning- and two of my students even gave me gifts! I really had such a nice class this semester.
And I had my last class with Arrogant Prof (It's so much fun to juxtapose being a teacher with being a student. I am sure my students don't always say nice things about me, especially when my evaluations affect their future funding, but I have to imagine arrogant is not on their list). I do have to somehow get back to that problem statement, though. Without his approval on that meager paragragh one of my papers will not be going anywhere. I still don't know exactly what my problem is. They do say that the hardest to learn is the least complicated. (Points for that reference as well). But for now, I won't worry about it. I will go to bed happy because it's Thursday, I have no more classes, and TMH is coming tomorrow!

May Day

It's May Day. In simpler times I would have gotten drunk, wound ribbons around a pole and then raced down a hill with hoops and a bunch of other women. I actually threatened to get out my hoop today, and roll it down the big hill outside my apartment. I don't think anyone would have blinked an eye.

I can't believe it's May. One school year, mostly done. Mostly. Sort of like mostly dead- which is not the same as all dead. Because mostly dead is slighty alive.... (Points for any of you who comment with the correct movie reference. This movie is supposedly one of the first things that attracted TMH originally. I know almost every line of the movie- and he was dully impressed).
I digress. Despite the date, I still had to turn the heat on tonight. I never thought that I would live somewhere where it's normal to need heat in May. Blah!

So, I reviewed my one paragraph problem statement with Arrogant Prof today, who told me it still wasn't a problem so much as a statement. I can't figure out if he needs a question mark, or what. After our initial fumbling, I did manage to get some good advice from him, however. He acknowledged that I am dealing in rich, complex and compelling issues- and slowly but surely I am continuing down a productive path. He even told me he could tell it was a good exercise for me, and to keep doing it. Probably not as good an exercise as running down the hill with my hoop, but I'll keep at it.