Walk the line

I'm walking the line these days... between crazy and OK (sort of like Barney's Hot/Crazy Scale, only different).... though TMH might have become concerned recently that I have been drifting too far over, I always pull myself back. One moment I feel like I'm about to lose it and the next moment I recover myself. I know I have to keep myself on track. I feel like I could be drifting dangerously close to a bad place. It's moments like these in life when you really can go crazy. So, I just have to make sure that I don't.

It's hard for me to leave this place and a job I have given much of myself to for 5 years. I have never lived anywhere for 5 years, much less had a job for that long! It's hard for me to give up my car. I love my car, as you know, though now I am actually concerned that she last for the next 1.5 months (maybe she knows I am about to give up on her). In a tangible sense I am giving up my independence, if you want to take job and car (and apartment) as symbols of independence. They are definitely symbols of stability in my life. I am giving up my stability for the time being. And you know I was raised to be independent ("always keep your own money"; "make sure stuff is put in your name, too") from the mother who never expected to get divorced. Now, for whatever reason (despite much evidence to the contrary) I have stayed optimistic and I believe that healthy relationships are possible. The big issue here is that times are tough and my summer job may not be a sure thing. If I do have the summer job, all is well. I have income, and therefore my own stability for the foreseeable future. I can then write my dissertation with the comfort of knowing that I am doing what I need to do... with a chunk of my own financial security. The larger issue is that I have to get used to the idea that part of my stability will come from TMH. And that's good. It's supposed to be that way, right? We are getting married after all. So we have to adjust to these issues.

Currently they are exacerbated because of random, stressful complications. Our future landlord said she was fine with cats and then the lease says no cats. WTF? Given my current mindset I did not react well to the prospects of finding another place to live. I think (fingers crossed!) we resolved the issue yesterday but it was a good case of TMH and I both thinking we could work it out on our own and me basically getting frustrated that he didn't automatically think of talking to me about it. We're going to be a team, right? But, we are BOTH used to handling everything ourselves; hence some adjustment and the need for more communication on both sides.

And of course my data collection has been stalled and I have not resolved what to do about the people who won't talk to me. I think this frightens me the most. I can't be someone dedicated to my dissertation (and therefore not employed full-time) when the dissertation is not happening. Of course I should go back to my post last week and my pep talk with my colleague. My dissertation will happen. In fact, she said she thought the only reason I might not figure it out is if I get a full-time job. So there you have it. I WILL FIGURE THIS OUT. I just constantly get messages that I won't. I haven't seen anyone graduate from our program in several years. I have seen women in exactly my position leave and never come back. I have seen them get jobs or have babies and do other things that mean they never finish. Now, I don't fault them for those things; there is certainly nothing wrong with jobs or babies. But I don't want to have gone through all of this only to never finish my PhD. So again, I WILL FIGURE THIS OUT.

And in the meantime, of course, we are planning a wedding. Seriously, did we need to be doing something else right now? But the most recent planning has been fun and gone well. It will be lovely. And I realized what is clearly an essential component of all of this. I want to get married. I love TMH and want to move in together and learn how to figure all of this stuff out. I trust myself (and him) to figure out how to navigate this new arena. Our lives are going to be awesome. We just have to figure out how to ease the transition into the awesomeness.

And another thing...

I forgot to mention my AWESOME new computer. We have spent much of the afternoon getting acquainted, and I am hooked. From the aesthetics of the backlit keyboard and plum purple exterior, to the way the keys feel under my fingers, I am loving it. I feel like I do when I get new running shoes... like suddenly I will be able to fly. So, it's a good omen. Suddenly my dissertation will write itself, right?

Maybe not, but at least I am off on a good foot with my relationship with my new laptop! That has to bode well. Anything to make my work more enjoyable. It's also an important step in me cutting the cord between myself and my employer. I am getting my own feet (and my own equipment) under me! Go PMP.

Awesomeness

I am now officially addicted to how i met your mother. One of the best shows ever. Best. Shows. Ever. I love Barney and could quote him all day long. Something about the show just speaks to me; it rings true and the characters feel real. Yes, yes, I know I sound insane. It's just television. I am telling you, though, people. Start watching. You'll get it. My good friend very awesomely sent me all the episodes from season 1-3 (and it's because of her that I even discovered this particular love of my life... thanks again!) and tonight I finished watching them. Sort of like how you have to eat all the candy in the house so you don't have any around distracting you.

On that note I am giving up sugar again. It has to be done. My addiction was getting out of control (again), and Easter and all of its related candy just pushed things past the tipping point. Another reason is related to the current #1 reason why my life right now is awesome:

#1. Because I have a super gorgeous wedding dress that fits me like a glove. Like a glove. So much so that upon first trying it on I was afraid it was too small. Not so, it just wasn't hitting in the right spot; it fits perfectly. So they are putting in a bustle. No hem and no other alterations. How lucky am I? Now I just have to make sure I stay the same size. It's funny because I think I've been the same size for years, but now that my wedding dress depends on it I feel a little more stress than usual. So, no more sugar again for a bit, and added incentive to stick to my regular exercise routine. Funny, right? Just to be clear, it's not a wedding diet, it's a regular maintenance plan with added incentive. An amazing dress! So excited.

#2. Other wedding plans are going well and making me happy. Yes, there is some family stress and the usual "oh yeah I have multiple families and some people are annoying" nonsense. But with that comes the "wow, lots of people think I am awesome, yay me, screw the naysayers" attitude. Planning is good. I am excited about the wedding and we have made some big progress on it this week.

#3. My dissertation is dissertationing. I have almost all the data collected for one department. Yay for that. I am a little nervous because it seems the economists are more interested in talking to me than the chemists...not sure why. Tomorrow is a big work day in which I will tackle all of these issues, and try to figure out how to get the chemists to dish. But so far, my data collection is going great and I have made a huge leap forward this week.

#4. I went to a Grad Ball. Where graduate students actually got dressed up and danced and had fun. Like prom for (almost) grown ups. I debuted one of the new dresses I got for the May weddings. It was a hit, and the ball was so much fun. I haven't danced like that in years. I also got to practice some of the lines I've learned from how i met your mother... since I decided it was my job as the engaged one to be a good wingman and try to fix my friend up (and for once we were in a place where people wanted to meet). Haaaaaaaaaaave you met Jess?

#5. Trees are starting to bloom! Spring is coming. It's one of the best times of year to live in this place (September is another great time, hence the wedding date). This is the time of year where you start to think that winter was worth it. I have only seen a couple of blooms so far, but in the next few weeks it's all going to pop. And I am going to wonder why I am leaving.

#6. Oh yeah, right. Because I am awesome, and I am moving to an awesome city to live with my awesome fiancee in an awesome apartment and finish research for my awesome dissertation. Right. Good decision. "When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story."