1. Insecurities. They seem to be rearing their heads more and more in the wedding planning process. I am not an event person, but I am excited to be getting married, and I am confident that I will do it in a way that will be true to me. It doesn't matter if others do not like my choices. They are my choices. What matters is that I approve of them. This goes for all my fears about my family as well. I can only control my decisions and my behavior- not what anyone else wants me to do. Of course this is tempered by how much I care about my friends and family, and my fears of alienating them. I just have to go with the confidence that the people who love me will understand. When it comes down to it, it will be great to bring so many important people together. The wedding is going to be wonderful.... and a lot of fun!
2. Worries and Anxieties. This makes me laugh. How many of you think I can do away with my anxiety in 2009? I am known to be a bit of a fretter. Given how much change and uncertainty is already planned for the year, I have a feeling I will have a hard time keeping this under wraps. I know it's not about elimination, though, it's about management. I am prepared to handle everything coming towards me right now. I will do my best to handle it well. Let's face it, the things coming towards me that are scary are all mostly positive things: my dissertation proposal defense and data collection (Clearly essential steps on my PhD path), my move in with TMH (Also clearly essential to my future marriage and plans for happiness. Much of my current stress comes from us living separately. I know moving in will be a big adjustment for both of us, and me moving away from the town that has been my home and a critical part of my life for the past 5 years is no small matter. But it's time.), my wedding (Exciting!), my marriage, leaving my job, changes at work, etc. (How positive some of these things may be is unclear at the moment!)
And in with the new...
1. Confidence. See above. I am prepared to do what I need to do. I am lucky to be doing so many exciting things. I can do it!
---
I am in limbo now. It's sort of still vacation time for me, but I need to work this week. I need to work, and see my parents, and manage my stress surrounding my imminent proposal defense. Since I did not get feedback from my advisor until Christmas Eve, I haven't made much progress. The good news is, he had some helpful suggestions and they shouldn't take TOO much time. I am confident that by the end of day tomorrow I will have a decent (updated) draft to send to my committee.
The holidays were nice. First, I got to spend some time with my mom and see some old friends. My mom is doing well, though she is definitely getting older. I have to make myself be patient... I just don't want her to be older. I got to see some good friends, and remember where I come from, if that makes any sense. I think sometimes I forget that there are people who have known me for a LONG time out there. It's nice to be reminded. I ordered my wedding dress, which was actually a big moment when insecurities came out, surprisingly! It somehow wasn't enough for me that I wanted the dress; I got too worried about what others might think. I am excited about the dress! Out with those insecurities! It was the first one I tried on, the first one I loved, the one I had been eyeing for weeks. I think it's me, and it's beautiful.
I also got to spend a full week with TMH. We went on a ski vacation, which was awesome, despite the frigid temperatures. I thought cold was cold until we experienced frostbite warnings and a mostly empty ski resort. If the pros are not willing to brave the temps, it must be bad, right? We did get to do some skiing, and just hang out, though, which was really what we needed to do. It was a nice way to ring in 2009. We also did a bit of wedding planning, which made us feel a bit better, I think. You all know how TMH loves his spreadsheets. At least we are really doing this in a collaborative way. We are both about to get pretty busy with life again, so it's nice to be clear from my project manager ;-) about what aspects of the wedding planning I should focus on when I need to take a break from my work.
So, that's my update for now. I am sitting in TMH's apartment, about to go to the airport to head back to my mom's. I'll work and go see my dad this week (who was just offered a job on the other side of the world. Big news!), and then I'll head back up to my "real" life on the weekend. I can do it! Out with the old, and in with the new, they say. Though let's not forget that some of the old was good. 2008 was a pretty terrific year for me, and I can only expect that 2009 will be as well. But why do the holidays always go by so quickly?! I think that was the cry heard round the country this morning.
Happy 2009, everyone!
Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
Monday, January 5, 2009
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Obstacles
Or, obstaculos, if you will. Lots have come up in the past few days.
Some take the form of ordinary, annoying things, like going to the dentist. Oh, wait, PMP, why haven't you been to the dentist in the past 2 years? Because I am a poor student. But, haven't you been on vacation and done other things? Yes, but those were important, and I have good teeth. OH. Priorities, right? Now I find out I have 3 small cavities, and the only filling I already had needed to be replaced. CRAP. Why, you might ask? Because I have been grinding my teeth so much that I have worn away enamel and poked holes in them and nearly cracked my tooth with the existing filling. I only vaguely knew I was doing it ( it's a sleep disorder)- TMH told me about it. He does it so badly that he wakes up with bad headaches and had to buy an expensive mouth (oclusion) guard while I smugly listened and tried to be sympathetic and thought about my great teeth. I had no symptoms so I was skeptical of his claims that I grind. HMMM. Good thing I paid a little bit of attention, though, because apparently it's really bad and I've done a lot of damage. I know this is riveting topic, right? But it's symbolic of my week. I suddenly need to get 4 fillings and make plans to get an oclusion guard, right away. Let me just say that I had no wear on my teeth 2 years ago- no evidence of any grinding. What have I been doing for the past 2 years? HMMM. Real proof that grad school is stressful, in case anyone was in doubt. Paying for all of these things is really fun, too.
My trip to the dentist comes as a side benefit of visiting my dad. Coming here brings up lots of issues that I won't go into on this forum. I guess anyone who has an ex-stepfamily should expect issues. Visiting brings up some emotional baggage for me (to say the least) though I wonder whether you can call it baggage when some of it is new. I will say that his 60th birthday was a big success. Yay for that! 60 years ago today, my dad was born in a far away land, in the middle of nowhere, and look at where he ended up. In any case, his story is really amazing, and I am glad I was able to be here for his big day.
There are other obstacles... (most of them about my anxiety for the coming semester as I try to make plans):
Some take the form of ordinary, annoying things, like going to the dentist. Oh, wait, PMP, why haven't you been to the dentist in the past 2 years? Because I am a poor student. But, haven't you been on vacation and done other things? Yes, but those were important, and I have good teeth. OH. Priorities, right? Now I find out I have 3 small cavities, and the only filling I already had needed to be replaced. CRAP. Why, you might ask? Because I have been grinding my teeth so much that I have worn away enamel and poked holes in them and nearly cracked my tooth with the existing filling. I only vaguely knew I was doing it ( it's a sleep disorder)- TMH told me about it. He does it so badly that he wakes up with bad headaches and had to buy an expensive mouth (oclusion) guard while I smugly listened and tried to be sympathetic and thought about my great teeth. I had no symptoms so I was skeptical of his claims that I grind. HMMM. Good thing I paid a little bit of attention, though, because apparently it's really bad and I've done a lot of damage. I know this is riveting topic, right? But it's symbolic of my week. I suddenly need to get 4 fillings and make plans to get an oclusion guard, right away. Let me just say that I had no wear on my teeth 2 years ago- no evidence of any grinding. What have I been doing for the past 2 years? HMMM. Real proof that grad school is stressful, in case anyone was in doubt. Paying for all of these things is really fun, too.
My trip to the dentist comes as a side benefit of visiting my dad. Coming here brings up lots of issues that I won't go into on this forum. I guess anyone who has an ex-stepfamily should expect issues. Visiting brings up some emotional baggage for me (to say the least) though I wonder whether you can call it baggage when some of it is new. I will say that his 60th birthday was a big success. Yay for that! 60 years ago today, my dad was born in a far away land, in the middle of nowhere, and look at where he ended up. In any case, his story is really amazing, and I am glad I was able to be here for his big day.
There are other obstacles... (most of them about my anxiety for the coming semester as I try to make plans):
- The fact that the professor who said no to being on my committee recently said she wouldn't meet with me next week to go over the proposal I wrote for her class- that sucks (can I take it as a slap in the face?) because I thought of it as the last thing she owed me as my professor... and now she is no longer my professor and I really wanted her input. She seems to have completely washed her hands of me...
- Realizing that no faculty at school would care if I dropped out (my boss would probably be the most upset, because who would do the work?), and worrying about my ability to get 3 professors in a room together, much less come up with a sound, workable project (I think I have the beginnings of one, but how will I know if I don't get any feedback?)....
- Finances as I try to figure out how to pay for the dentist AND new tires (my teeth and my car are both fairly central to my life) as I worry about the long drive I have ahead of me...
- The emotions that come up from being around my family and in my various "homes." (That word home is very confusing, by the way). I think it would be best for me to think of school as my home, but that's hard because it's inherently transient. The fact that TMH lives elsewhere complicates matters, too. Let me just say that spending almost a month away is a real luxury but it's also a bit disorienting and unsettling. More than a bit, at this point.
So, tomorrow I am headed back up north to celebrate TMH's birthday (and I get to see a good friend who understands, thank goodness), and then things will get back to "normal," or however they might be when I get back to school. I will have to do all I can to keep a level head through this transition. As I said before (let me remind myself) 2008 will be a big year so clearly it will not be without challenges.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Taking stock...
I am reminded of a line from Grosse Point Blank- "leave your livestock alone." Reunions and new year's as typical occasions to pause and reflect are probably not really necessary for someone like me, who seems to be in a perpetual state of reflection, but I do feel some obligation to mark the transition from 2007 to 2008, both years that I think will go down as big ones in the history of PMP. While I know I've come a long way in 2007 (just look at all the things I did- finishing my first year of coursework, having a hellish summer job and then winning an award at one of the best schools in the country, writing proposals, staying healthy and building my relationship with TMH are among the highlights) I have a feeling that 2007 was still part of the foreword: there is MUCH more to come. I have to look ahead right now, but I also have to live in the moment and be happy with where I am. For perhaps the first time, ever, I feel I can almost (*sigh*) do that.
I am home. One of my homes, I should say. The one where my mother lives. Once again I am sitting in the library that I sat in as a child after school... and once again the same librarian is here. You would think that by now I would have gotten used to the fact that many people tend to stay in the same place and do the same thing for most of their lives, and that's ok. In fact, it's admirable. It is 2008, though, now, and as TMH pointed out, that means we are getting older. Hmm. I think that I felt that way in 2005, and I am guessing I will still feel that way in 2010 and 2015. "Time marches on, and sooner or later you realize it is marching across your face." It's true that in many ways the passage of time is not so important... too bad the other ways are so difficult to ignore.
I am at a bit of a crossroads. My vaciones were wonderful. I really took a break. I even took a break from pondering. It was so refreshing to not even really think about anything for a while. TMH and I had fun in the sun on our beach vacation. We slept and swam (and swam with dolphins!) and ate and drank and forgot about life for almost 5 days. It was awesome. Then we both went back to our respective families to have Christmas, and then we reunited at his place to celebrate the end of 2007 and the beginning of 2008. The second part of our vacation was a little more reflective. We talked about the future, for one thing, and I realized, if I hadn't already, that I really have my work cut out for me in 2008.
I don't want to jinx myself- I hate to put things out there as goals in case they don't happen- but if all goes well 2008 will mark some major milestones for me and my PhD. That's exciting, but also a bit scary. I have A LOT to do. The good news is that TMH seems to be right there with me (figuratively, not literally. It sucks to be back to the distance thing after we were able to spend nearly 2 weeks together, but such is life). This is one reason I am at the library right now. Anxiety was starting to creep in. I need to get back to work, right away! It's time to get focused. Last semester's proposals were a good start, and now I need to move them forward and make them happen.
I don't have to be back at school for another week and a half, and part of me knows that it would be better to be back now so I could get more done, but the other part of me knows that I can work here (being back does not mean I wouldn't still procrastinate), I need to take this time to spend with my mom (who really is getting older- I know I say this every time I am here as well), and if I were back I would be lonely and freezing and wondering why I didn't just stay. So, I am here and happy about it. Next week I am going to see my dad and celebrate his 60th birthday for a couple of days, then I'll be celebrating TMH's birthday in the REALLY big city (not to be confused with his big city of residence) and then I'll be back at school. I just have to make sure that while I'm here I don't waste my time. Today was the day to get back into the mindset of my work, though, and I am doing it, and I am excited about it. So there!
Bring on 2008, with all of its anticipated trials and tribulations, adventures and milestones!
I am home. One of my homes, I should say. The one where my mother lives. Once again I am sitting in the library that I sat in as a child after school... and once again the same librarian is here. You would think that by now I would have gotten used to the fact that many people tend to stay in the same place and do the same thing for most of their lives, and that's ok. In fact, it's admirable. It is 2008, though, now, and as TMH pointed out, that means we are getting older. Hmm. I think that I felt that way in 2005, and I am guessing I will still feel that way in 2010 and 2015. "Time marches on, and sooner or later you realize it is marching across your face." It's true that in many ways the passage of time is not so important... too bad the other ways are so difficult to ignore.
I am at a bit of a crossroads. My vaciones were wonderful. I really took a break. I even took a break from pondering. It was so refreshing to not even really think about anything for a while. TMH and I had fun in the sun on our beach vacation. We slept and swam (and swam with dolphins!) and ate and drank and forgot about life for almost 5 days. It was awesome. Then we both went back to our respective families to have Christmas, and then we reunited at his place to celebrate the end of 2007 and the beginning of 2008. The second part of our vacation was a little more reflective. We talked about the future, for one thing, and I realized, if I hadn't already, that I really have my work cut out for me in 2008.
I don't want to jinx myself- I hate to put things out there as goals in case they don't happen- but if all goes well 2008 will mark some major milestones for me and my PhD. That's exciting, but also a bit scary. I have A LOT to do. The good news is that TMH seems to be right there with me (figuratively, not literally. It sucks to be back to the distance thing after we were able to spend nearly 2 weeks together, but such is life). This is one reason I am at the library right now. Anxiety was starting to creep in. I need to get back to work, right away! It's time to get focused. Last semester's proposals were a good start, and now I need to move them forward and make them happen.
I don't have to be back at school for another week and a half, and part of me knows that it would be better to be back now so I could get more done, but the other part of me knows that I can work here (being back does not mean I wouldn't still procrastinate), I need to take this time to spend with my mom (who really is getting older- I know I say this every time I am here as well), and if I were back I would be lonely and freezing and wondering why I didn't just stay. So, I am here and happy about it. Next week I am going to see my dad and celebrate his 60th birthday for a couple of days, then I'll be celebrating TMH's birthday in the REALLY big city (not to be confused with his big city of residence) and then I'll be back at school. I just have to make sure that while I'm here I don't waste my time. Today was the day to get back into the mindset of my work, though, and I am doing it, and I am excited about it. So there!
Bring on 2008, with all of its anticipated trials and tribulations, adventures and milestones!
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
I've taken a much needed break from life (which includes the internet, for sure) but I just wanted to take a minute for a quick update. I am now with TMH in the big city getting ready to celebrate the beginning of 2008. Yay! It's hard to believe how quickly things went after I finished the semester... all that work and stress was over in such a flash.
TMH and I had a FANTASTIC beach vacation, and it was nice to be with my mom for Christmas. I have so many things to update, but I am still in the midst of my vacation so that will all have to wait. I have blissfully not been pondering much lately, and I know that will change all too soon. For now I just want to wish everyone all the best in these final days of 2007. Many people I know have not had the best year (I think all in all it was ok for me...definitely productive and a bit crazy... though I need more time to reflect). In any case, I have a good feeling about what's in store for 2008! My best to all of you in this time for reflection, love and celebration!
TMH and I had a FANTASTIC beach vacation, and it was nice to be with my mom for Christmas. I have so many things to update, but I am still in the midst of my vacation so that will all have to wait. I have blissfully not been pondering much lately, and I know that will change all too soon. For now I just want to wish everyone all the best in these final days of 2007. Many people I know have not had the best year (I think all in all it was ok for me...definitely productive and a bit crazy... though I need more time to reflect). In any case, I have a good feeling about what's in store for 2008! My best to all of you in this time for reflection, love and celebration!
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