Like Minute Rice, only different.
It's 8:56 and I told myself I'd start working at 9:00 today, so I will. I am back to reality after a lovely week away. Summer school ended, bittersweet but successful, and it was time to go offline. I went down South and spent some quality time with my mom and the Gemi cat, and then went up North with TMH to have our annual end-of-summer beach weekend. It was a fabulous week.
So here I am again. I am starting a new chapter, both literally and figuratively, but I am telling myself to stay calm, I am telling myself I can do it. The universe seems to be aligning these days, just for me. I will finish my dissertation soon, my employment situation seems to be working out, and I am happy and healthy. A very lucky woman, if you will. Oops, it's 9:01. Time to get to work.
Showing posts with label summer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label summer. Show all posts
Monday, August 16, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Oh, oh we're halfway there...
I'm still here. Summer school is halfway done- can you believe it? More than halfway, really. I am making it, but I have been kinda overwhelmed. Summer school is intense, as you know (and yes, the director is still crazy ). Intense. It's going fairly well, all things considered. I have still been doing dissertation stuff so life has been a little chaotic. TMH reminds me to breathe. It's mostly a good chaotic, though. I feel productive. We've been enjoying our weekends, too. It's one of the hottest summers on record but I am loving it. Loving it!
I am also realizing that time is fleeting. I don't want to wish my time away! Chances are that this is my last year of summer school. Had I managed to post a few weeks ago I bet the title would have been something like "never again." I have a great class and I can't really complain at this point, but these days of mine are numbered. These weeks are going to end soon, and once again I'll be starting a new chapter, literally and figuratively. I have now written all but the concluding chapter of my dissertation! As it stands now I hope to schedule my defense for the end of September, barring any unforeseen negative feedback. Fingers crossed. As for what else is happening for me in the fall, we'll see. Lots of possibilities...
TMH and I are going to see Bon Jovi this weekend. I bought us tickets for TMH's Christmas present, and the concert is finally here. He loves Bon Jovi, and I have to admit I did my fair share of screaming along to him as a middle schooler, and over the years, as well. Very excited about the show!
I'll try to write more sooner next time. Perhaps "PMP's Ponderings" will need a makeover, or update, or some closure? A conclusion? It is one grad student's reflections... and I definitely feel that I am transitioning out of my grad student life. Not yet, though, not quite yet.
I am also realizing that time is fleeting. I don't want to wish my time away! Chances are that this is my last year of summer school. Had I managed to post a few weeks ago I bet the title would have been something like "never again." I have a great class and I can't really complain at this point, but these days of mine are numbered. These weeks are going to end soon, and once again I'll be starting a new chapter, literally and figuratively. I have now written all but the concluding chapter of my dissertation! As it stands now I hope to schedule my defense for the end of September, barring any unforeseen negative feedback. Fingers crossed. As for what else is happening for me in the fall, we'll see. Lots of possibilities...
TMH and I are going to see Bon Jovi this weekend. I bought us tickets for TMH's Christmas present, and the concert is finally here. He loves Bon Jovi, and I have to admit I did my fair share of screaming along to him as a middle schooler, and over the years, as well. Very excited about the show!
I'll try to write more sooner next time. Perhaps "PMP's Ponderings" will need a makeover, or update, or some closure? A conclusion? It is one grad student's reflections... and I definitely feel that I am transitioning out of my grad student life. Not yet, though, not quite yet.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Leaving a mark
I thought I would take a moment, in this crazy finale of summer school, to say that I am proud of myself. I am sometimes criticized for fretting too much, and for not taking time to acknowledge that my life is really pretty great, and I feel the need to do it now.
I am happy. I can say that I have accomplished something, and I should take a minute to acknowledge all of that before the next chapter and all of its accompanying turmoil comes in like a lion, and I remember how inadequate I often feel as a grad student. Life is all going to come crashing down in the next two days.... summer school ends as crazily as it begins, TMH and I have a short beach retreat, and then I'm "home" and back to "my real life" almost instantaneously. And then poof! It's over. Almost lost without a trace?
One of my students sent me a wonderfully creative and touching letter yesterday. It's actually the letter he wrote to my boss on my behalf (just because he felt like it), and decided to share with me as well. Anyway, it nearly sent me over the emotional edge. In it he says that words are sometimes not enough to leave footprints in the sand, because a cruel tide can come to erase them, often without warning. He said that his letter was his attempt to leave a visible record of what has occurred before it is forgotten, and to settle an intellectual debt of gratitude with me, his teacher. Whoa. He is a quirky and engaging student who is clearly quite creative....and brilliant. He tries to keep track of everything, and he is obsessed with stamps. He dates and stamps everything, even "the most irrelevant things imaginable."
Here's what he said in the email to which the letter was attached:
I am sure that in 25 years, I will be packing all my things from my Mongolian house to move with my third wife (with a very long psychiatric history) to a new place in Finland. Then, I will open an old bourdeaux binder and I will have a stupid smile of satisfaction on my face. That is the whole purpose of this hypomania. I think it is fair that you also have the chance to keep it for your records.
That old bourdeaux binder contains his final portfolio for my class.
So, in an effort to leave my own record, I want to say that in this moment I am proud of my teaching this summer. I am proud of (most of) my students. I am proud that I got permission to do my research, and found a few allies at the university here... this is a huge step for me! I am proud of my relationship with TMH and the work that we do to keep it strong. I am proud of my relationship with my mom. I am proud of how hard I work and that I just keep chipping away at my goals. I am proud that I get up to go running in the morning. I am proud of my friends and my ability to be a good friend. (It was fantastic seeing two of them this weekend. Friends are so important!) I need to take this time to acknowledge that my life is really pretty amazing. (Try to remind me of this next month when I'm in the middle of chaos and emotional turmoil and exams and such, will you? It's always good to plain ahead for predictably difficult times. )
Oh, and by the way, the balloon is still flying high in the living room.
I am happy. I can say that I have accomplished something, and I should take a minute to acknowledge all of that before the next chapter and all of its accompanying turmoil comes in like a lion, and I remember how inadequate I often feel as a grad student. Life is all going to come crashing down in the next two days.... summer school ends as crazily as it begins, TMH and I have a short beach retreat, and then I'm "home" and back to "my real life" almost instantaneously. And then poof! It's over. Almost lost without a trace?
One of my students sent me a wonderfully creative and touching letter yesterday. It's actually the letter he wrote to my boss on my behalf (just because he felt like it), and decided to share with me as well. Anyway, it nearly sent me over the emotional edge. In it he says that words are sometimes not enough to leave footprints in the sand, because a cruel tide can come to erase them, often without warning. He said that his letter was his attempt to leave a visible record of what has occurred before it is forgotten, and to settle an intellectual debt of gratitude with me, his teacher. Whoa. He is a quirky and engaging student who is clearly quite creative....and brilliant. He tries to keep track of everything, and he is obsessed with stamps. He dates and stamps everything, even "the most irrelevant things imaginable."
Here's what he said in the email to which the letter was attached:
I am sure that in 25 years, I will be packing all my things from my Mongolian house to move with my third wife (with a very long psychiatric history) to a new place in Finland. Then, I will open an old bourdeaux binder and I will have a stupid smile of satisfaction on my face. That is the whole purpose of this hypomania. I think it is fair that you also have the chance to keep it for your records.
That old bourdeaux binder contains his final portfolio for my class.
So, in an effort to leave my own record, I want to say that in this moment I am proud of my teaching this summer. I am proud of (most of) my students. I am proud that I got permission to do my research, and found a few allies at the university here... this is a huge step for me! I am proud of my relationship with TMH and the work that we do to keep it strong. I am proud of my relationship with my mom. I am proud of how hard I work and that I just keep chipping away at my goals. I am proud that I get up to go running in the morning. I am proud of my friends and my ability to be a good friend. (It was fantastic seeing two of them this weekend. Friends are so important!) I need to take this time to acknowledge that my life is really pretty amazing. (Try to remind me of this next month when I'm in the middle of chaos and emotional turmoil and exams and such, will you? It's always good to plain ahead for predictably difficult times. )
Oh, and by the way, the balloon is still flying high in the living room.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
PMP and the Balloon
I'll give you a hint. The bear who stumbled into the piece of the forest that was left out by mistake also has been known to have some fun with a balloon.... floating around in trees and flirting with bees and such.
Today was a pretty good day. I went running, went to work, taught my class, wrote some final eval letters, yelled at students (kindly, of course) about the appropriate format for a research paper (they seem to finally be getting it), had an intriguing meeting with a semi bigwig at the university, met TMH for an exciting errand, had dinner out (overpriced, but a nice treat for us), and found a red balloon.
We were walking through the park on the way to the train. As we were crossing a very busy road (4 lanes, at least) I noticed a balloon bobbing in the distance. It was blocking one lane of traffic, and seemed to have some kind of weight tied to the bottom of it. So of course TMH laughed at me, but of course I had to go check it out. We actually saw one car swerve to get out of the way of the balloon. So once the traffic passed I went and got it. And me and my big red Elmo balloon (with a big red plastic safety pin tied to the bottom) and TMH (who swears he was not embarassed) continued walking, got on the subway, and came home. I told TMH that I would give it to a kid if one on the way seemed worthy, but I didn't really see any who I thought would appreciate it. Now it's helping decorate the apartment. It joins the Chinese Olympic mascots (as new, sort of odd things in TMH's living room), given to me yesterday by one of my very nationalistic Chinese students. He scares me a bit, but the mascots are cool!
As of tomorrow I will officially have just one week left of summer school. Good friends are visiting this weekend (yay for friends!) and then I work, and then TMH and I will have a short beach retreat, and then it will be on to the next chapter for me. For now I won't ponder much on that. I plan to take as much advantage of the next week and a half as I can. It's the end of summer, after all.
Today was a pretty good day. I went running, went to work, taught my class, wrote some final eval letters, yelled at students (kindly, of course) about the appropriate format for a research paper (they seem to finally be getting it), had an intriguing meeting with a semi bigwig at the university, met TMH for an exciting errand, had dinner out (overpriced, but a nice treat for us), and found a red balloon.
We were walking through the park on the way to the train. As we were crossing a very busy road (4 lanes, at least) I noticed a balloon bobbing in the distance. It was blocking one lane of traffic, and seemed to have some kind of weight tied to the bottom of it. So of course TMH laughed at me, but of course I had to go check it out. We actually saw one car swerve to get out of the way of the balloon. So once the traffic passed I went and got it. And me and my big red Elmo balloon (with a big red plastic safety pin tied to the bottom) and TMH (who swears he was not embarassed) continued walking, got on the subway, and came home. I told TMH that I would give it to a kid if one on the way seemed worthy, but I didn't really see any who I thought would appreciate it. Now it's helping decorate the apartment. It joins the Chinese Olympic mascots (as new, sort of odd things in TMH's living room), given to me yesterday by one of my very nationalistic Chinese students. He scares me a bit, but the mascots are cool!
As of tomorrow I will officially have just one week left of summer school. Good friends are visiting this weekend (yay for friends!) and then I work, and then TMH and I will have a short beach retreat, and then it will be on to the next chapter for me. For now I won't ponder much on that. I plan to take as much advantage of the next week and a half as I can. It's the end of summer, after all.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The Part of the Forest that was Left Out by Mistake
That's where I've stumbled, I think. In a weird space that may or may not exist, and a place from which I may or may not be able to remove myself. Don't be fooled... I think I really just want to complain again. Do you know that I get tired of hearing myself, even just hearing myself in my head? I certainly get tired of hearing others. Can I tell you again how LOUD one of my partner teachers is? LOUD. I love her, but I was raised to be quiet. Everything about her is loud. Her voice, her walk, her sneezes (you would NOT believe how loud she sneezes, and then screams "excuse me," so that in a room of 40 people everyone turns to stare), everything. But maybe it pays to be loud. I get so annoyed when I try to participate in a conversation and people don't hear me. Most people just don't listen I guess, especially loud people, and especially not to quiet people who try to be polite. Or maybe it's just the classic, stereotypical difference between north and south. She's a loud Yankee and I'm a softspoken Southern girl. Maybe. Only I've never thought of myself that way before. And come to think of it, some Southern girls are pretty loud too. Maybe it's just a different kind of loud. Here it's an in-your-face sort of loudness that I really have trouble with sometimes.
My students have been my saving grace this week, cash cows or not. They are super-nice, and they responded well to my criticism about their writing. I think they are realizing that once they start school they won't have such a nice and helpful aid. Most of my group seem to really want to improve, and I think I didn't realize how much they didn't know when they started. I need to help them learn (of course that's what I've been trying to do for 5.5 weeks). Some students take longer than others and others don't care. That's just the way of the world. Most of mine care, though, at least a little. I think the scary director will be visiting my class soon. I was annoyed because she already went to my partner's classes, and she didn't go to mine because my room is also in a part of the forest that was left out by mistake. (Remember when I couldn't even get in on the first day of class?) Even the director couldn't find us. Unfortunately, she asked me how to get there and I decided to be honest. So I guess maybe now she'll come? Ugh. She always comes at the absolute worst moment.
The rest of my issues are about my stress about fall, my relationship and my life in general. To be specific, that is. I am not very happy to be where I am 5.5 weeks into the summer. I know I should just try to make the most of the next 2.5 weeks, but that's hard. I had expectations for the summer that have not and will not be met, across the board of issues. Of course we all know that I had ambitious (aka unrealistic) expectations, though I did not think they were unrealistic on all fronts. I suppose I should have predicted all this, and if I look back at posts from May, in a way I did. Sort of like a chronicle of a death foretold, if you will.
I am tired. Tired tired, and tired of feeling the way I feel at the moment. I am not happy about what I see when I look ahead to the fall. I am just not happy. To make matters even more complicated, I am not happy to think that I am wasting my time not being happy. LOL. There's a paradox for you. My students spent a long time today talking about paradoxes. I know I just have to get happy.... or decide how to proceed. But we can't be happy all the time, you know, and I think everyone could agree that my life is currently a bit stressful.
So, I know I'll get through. Don't worry. I am not ready to jump off a bridge just yet. Maybe I'll just try to hide in a friendly part of the forest that's been left out (by mistake?). Just let me find a friendly part.
You'll at least make me smile if you can name the inspiration for this post.
My students have been my saving grace this week, cash cows or not. They are super-nice, and they responded well to my criticism about their writing. I think they are realizing that once they start school they won't have such a nice and helpful aid. Most of my group seem to really want to improve, and I think I didn't realize how much they didn't know when they started. I need to help them learn (of course that's what I've been trying to do for 5.5 weeks). Some students take longer than others and others don't care. That's just the way of the world. Most of mine care, though, at least a little. I think the scary director will be visiting my class soon. I was annoyed because she already went to my partner's classes, and she didn't go to mine because my room is also in a part of the forest that was left out by mistake. (Remember when I couldn't even get in on the first day of class?) Even the director couldn't find us. Unfortunately, she asked me how to get there and I decided to be honest. So I guess maybe now she'll come? Ugh. She always comes at the absolute worst moment.
The rest of my issues are about my stress about fall, my relationship and my life in general. To be specific, that is. I am not very happy to be where I am 5.5 weeks into the summer. I know I should just try to make the most of the next 2.5 weeks, but that's hard. I had expectations for the summer that have not and will not be met, across the board of issues. Of course we all know that I had ambitious (aka unrealistic) expectations, though I did not think they were unrealistic on all fronts. I suppose I should have predicted all this, and if I look back at posts from May, in a way I did. Sort of like a chronicle of a death foretold, if you will.
I am tired. Tired tired, and tired of feeling the way I feel at the moment. I am not happy about what I see when I look ahead to the fall. I am just not happy. To make matters even more complicated, I am not happy to think that I am wasting my time not being happy. LOL. There's a paradox for you. My students spent a long time today talking about paradoxes. I know I just have to get happy.... or decide how to proceed. But we can't be happy all the time, you know, and I think everyone could agree that my life is currently a bit stressful.
So, I know I'll get through. Don't worry. I am not ready to jump off a bridge just yet. Maybe I'll just try to hide in a friendly part of the forest that's been left out (by mistake?). Just let me find a friendly part.
You'll at least make me smile if you can name the inspiration for this post.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Bubble
I know it's been a while. I'm still alive, just alternately busy and exhausted. It's hard to believe that summer school is at midterm already! 4 weeks down, and 4 to go. I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. In a way it's nice to be making progress. On the other hand, that means there's only one month left of summer! One month until I have to really start thinking about exams. One month until I have to go back to my "real" life and the bubble world of summer bursts. I know that no matter what I do I will freak out in the fall: there is just too much uncertainty headed my way. What will happen in the spring? Will I finish and pass my exams? What about funding? What about moving? Why don't I have official permission to do my research, YET? All of these questions are looming in the back of my mind as my days are overwhelmed by the minutiae of summer school. I know it's minutiae, but it's still my life right now. A little bubble of my life.
TMH said something about his pillows last night, and it totally put my over the edge. Why? He's right, they are his pillows. They aren't mine. I can live here for 8 weeks and sleep on the pillows, and wash the sheets, and clean the apartment, but they're still his pillows. It's like when I was little, I could stay with my dad for three months and live in a room, but it wasn't my room. OK. Why does it bother me so much? I am not sure. I just wonder why he has to say they are his pillows. Couldn't he use a more neutral modifier? The pillows, for example?
So you see I'm in a bit of a spot at the moment. But I need to enjoy the rest of my bubble life. It's the rest of summer, after all. And mostly, life is good. The big unanswerable questions will have their time. Soon enough I'll be back to all my stuff. My pillows. My cat. My apartment. My own personal anxiety. And then I'll wonder when I can get back here, and when and how my stuff and his stuff might become ours. For now, I just have to keep trying to move forward and try not to be too affected by the transient nature of my life.
TMH said something about his pillows last night, and it totally put my over the edge. Why? He's right, they are his pillows. They aren't mine. I can live here for 8 weeks and sleep on the pillows, and wash the sheets, and clean the apartment, but they're still his pillows. It's like when I was little, I could stay with my dad for three months and live in a room, but it wasn't my room. OK. Why does it bother me so much? I am not sure. I just wonder why he has to say they are his pillows. Couldn't he use a more neutral modifier? The pillows, for example?
So you see I'm in a bit of a spot at the moment. But I need to enjoy the rest of my bubble life. It's the rest of summer, after all. And mostly, life is good. The big unanswerable questions will have their time. Soon enough I'll be back to all my stuff. My pillows. My cat. My apartment. My own personal anxiety. And then I'll wonder when I can get back here, and when and how my stuff and his stuff might become ours. For now, I just have to keep trying to move forward and try not to be too affected by the transient nature of my life.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Cool it down
Yep, I'm in an 80s mood again.
This post is devoted to all things cool and not so cool in my life at the moment. Firstly, I have a cold. I was going to write "cool or cold?" to lead in to my commentary on teaching ESL. It's fun, but challenging. In fact, it has given me a cold. It gave me a cold. F@*%, I don't know. Technically it has given me a cold because the action continues into the present, but it gave me a cold at a specific moment in time on Monday. So, both, really. I have a great class, I forgot how much work this job was, and I have a great class. They are making my English worse. Can you tell? Their papers are making me crazy. Don't tell anyone that I am an ESL teacher without the best grasp of all the intricacies of English grammar. I am much better at it in Spanish (Non-native speaking language teachers do have that advantage. We don't learn grammar as well because it is supposed to just come naturally), and of course I have fewer weaknesses with regard to pronunciation teaching. But when you get into a heated debate over the use of the comma, the colon, and the semi-colon (Not column, as my students are want to say. That final -n and -m are tricky, you know. Pronunciation is way more fun. Sigh) I get a headache. I try so hard to get them to focus on the big picture (like how you can't just keep adding commas and lengthening the sentence, and letting paragraphs go on and on and on and on and ON. I know you shouldn't keep adding in parentheses, either, but humor me. You would be SHOCKED to see how bad some of their papers are. They are going to be grad students at one of the best schools in the country, so they tell me all the time, and they can't write, period. As you see, I digress), and on the way the language is used, but so many of them get caught up in the minute details. I know, I know, it's a personality thing, but if nothing you are trying to say makes sense, who cares about the colon?? In any case, I've nearly lost my voice, I have stacks of papers to grade, and lots to prepare, but at least I have more or less a happy group.
You have to see the funniest sentence from one of my student's papers. I pulled it out in an exercise to work on punctuation (with a bunch of other students' sentences). To put it in context, he was trying to talk about similarities and differences, and the importance of language.
For example, a few days ago I bought a bed and in the shop they asked me if I was looking for a twin bed, the word twin can have different meanings depending on the sentence that it is, it can also be a twin, a baby born in the same day of the same mother or the twin primes related to numbers.
The class died laughing trying to work on this and others. It was too funny, but at least they see how ridiculous they are.
Tomorrow we get to show this video in class, which is super cool:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY
I absolutely love it. My boss sent it around and said we had to make our students watch it. In this case I am happy to do as she asks. Our Friday lecture topic is human rights, so we are supposed to make some connections. I think the students will really like it.
I am also cool because TMH and I have an air conditioner now! We are way cooler than we would normally be. If you kept track of what I was doing last summer, you know how happy I am not to be miserably hot right now.
I am even cooler because I went with all the rich kids to the shore last weekend. I have a feeling the trip contributed to my cold, but that's OK. I mostly had a good time, and despite some awkward moments of me questioning my entire future, it turned out fine. I have to remind myself that I need some of my own time sometimes, I have a lot going on, I'm tired, and it's OK to take a break and some time for myself. It's also OK not to like people, and to be turned off by certain behaviors and lifestyles (I just can't chime in on a discussion of housekeepers at the moment. I really just can't. And I don't really want to look at your disgustingly HUGE diamond ring. Really). Why do I care so much? I don't know. I just do. I don't have to justify it. Everyone is entitled to her own opinion, including me. I just have to remember to be true to myself and try not to worry about what others think of me. They don't care what I think, so I don't care what they think. Easy peasy, right? Of course such issues are made more challenging because of their connection with TMH, and what he thinks, but I think he and I have come to an understanding, which is the most important part. He and I see these types of situations differently, but in terms of our general worldview, we are on the same page. Whew.
Did I use the comma correctly there? Sigh again. And smile.
One thing that's not so cool: I still don't have formal approval to do my research, and it's almost the middle of July. I thought getting the letter from the dean was the major hurdle, but it's getting caught up at the end of the process. It's about me talking to secretaries here, there and everywhere to help them all get on the same page. I am still working on it, though I have to say I am getting a little nervous about time, and summer running out. All I can do is keep working on it, though. So that's what I'm doing.... in all the extra time that I have.
Oh, yeah, that's the last thing. I don't know what I was thinking in my last post when I said that I have time. I don't really. I will say that I feel mostly productive, useful, and happy right now, though. That's about all anyone can ask, isn't it?
This post is devoted to all things cool and not so cool in my life at the moment. Firstly, I have a cold. I was going to write "cool or cold?" to lead in to my commentary on teaching ESL. It's fun, but challenging. In fact, it has given me a cold. It gave me a cold. F@*%, I don't know. Technically it has given me a cold because the action continues into the present, but it gave me a cold at a specific moment in time on Monday. So, both, really. I have a great class, I forgot how much work this job was, and I have a great class. They are making my English worse. Can you tell? Their papers are making me crazy. Don't tell anyone that I am an ESL teacher without the best grasp of all the intricacies of English grammar. I am much better at it in Spanish (Non-native speaking language teachers do have that advantage. We don't learn grammar as well because it is supposed to just come naturally), and of course I have fewer weaknesses with regard to pronunciation teaching. But when you get into a heated debate over the use of the comma, the colon, and the semi-colon (Not column, as my students are want to say. That final -n and -m are tricky, you know. Pronunciation is way more fun. Sigh) I get a headache. I try so hard to get them to focus on the big picture (like how you can't just keep adding commas and lengthening the sentence, and letting paragraphs go on and on and on and on and ON. I know you shouldn't keep adding in parentheses, either, but humor me. You would be SHOCKED to see how bad some of their papers are. They are going to be grad students at one of the best schools in the country, so they tell me all the time, and they can't write, period. As you see, I digress), and on the way the language is used, but so many of them get caught up in the minute details. I know, I know, it's a personality thing, but if nothing you are trying to say makes sense, who cares about the colon?? In any case, I've nearly lost my voice, I have stacks of papers to grade, and lots to prepare, but at least I have more or less a happy group.
You have to see the funniest sentence from one of my student's papers. I pulled it out in an exercise to work on punctuation (with a bunch of other students' sentences). To put it in context, he was trying to talk about similarities and differences, and the importance of language.
For example, a few days ago I bought a bed and in the shop they asked me if I was looking for a twin bed, the word twin can have different meanings depending on the sentence that it is, it can also be a twin, a baby born in the same day of the same mother or the twin primes related to numbers.
The class died laughing trying to work on this and others. It was too funny, but at least they see how ridiculous they are.
Tomorrow we get to show this video in class, which is super cool:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY
I absolutely love it. My boss sent it around and said we had to make our students watch it. In this case I am happy to do as she asks. Our Friday lecture topic is human rights, so we are supposed to make some connections. I think the students will really like it.
I am also cool because TMH and I have an air conditioner now! We are way cooler than we would normally be. If you kept track of what I was doing last summer, you know how happy I am not to be miserably hot right now.
I am even cooler because I went with all the rich kids to the shore last weekend. I have a feeling the trip contributed to my cold, but that's OK. I mostly had a good time, and despite some awkward moments of me questioning my entire future, it turned out fine. I have to remind myself that I need some of my own time sometimes, I have a lot going on, I'm tired, and it's OK to take a break and some time for myself. It's also OK not to like people, and to be turned off by certain behaviors and lifestyles (I just can't chime in on a discussion of housekeepers at the moment. I really just can't. And I don't really want to look at your disgustingly HUGE diamond ring. Really). Why do I care so much? I don't know. I just do. I don't have to justify it. Everyone is entitled to her own opinion, including me. I just have to remember to be true to myself and try not to worry about what others think of me. They don't care what I think, so I don't care what they think. Easy peasy, right? Of course such issues are made more challenging because of their connection with TMH, and what he thinks, but I think he and I have come to an understanding, which is the most important part. He and I see these types of situations differently, but in terms of our general worldview, we are on the same page. Whew.
Did I use the comma correctly there? Sigh again. And smile.
One thing that's not so cool: I still don't have formal approval to do my research, and it's almost the middle of July. I thought getting the letter from the dean was the major hurdle, but it's getting caught up at the end of the process. It's about me talking to secretaries here, there and everywhere to help them all get on the same page. I am still working on it, though I have to say I am getting a little nervous about time, and summer running out. All I can do is keep working on it, though. So that's what I'm doing.... in all the extra time that I have.
Oh, yeah, that's the last thing. I don't know what I was thinking in my last post when I said that I have time. I don't really. I will say that I feel mostly productive, useful, and happy right now, though. That's about all anyone can ask, isn't it?
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Get into the groove...
I'm doing it. I'm getting into the groove.
Part of my groove is still getting up at 6:00 a.m., which is amazing for me, a long-time lover of sleep. What can I say? Summer school makes you an early bird. I love how long the day is after that. The only problem is that the night is really short.
I'm also getting into the groove of teaching. I have some really great students this summer. They are so smart and creative, and laid back, and fun. There is still time for some problem children to surface, but I think I am mostly in the clear for nightmare students (You may remember the thorn in my side last summer. Knock on wood, though. I don't want to jinx myself). So far, so good. I am no longer running around like a crazy person, much of the pandemonium has subsided, and though I am still quite busy, I have a little time to think about my research, my life in general, and of course, to hang out with TMH. Yay for time.
I am loving that on Tuesdays I don't really have to teach, I just get to sit in on the classes and lectures the students attend, monitor their English, and give them feedback. It's nice, I have to say. I am learning at the same time that they are, which is really a great model. Tomorrow I will be back to more responsibility, but I can tell that Tuesdays will provide a nice respite. I am also loving that we have Friday off!
Oh, the party! TMH and I had such a nice time at his parents' anniversary party. We were successful at keeping it a surprise- they were really shocked! It turned out so well. The food was great, people had a good time, and everyone praised TMH and his siblings for their effort. I was happy to be a part of it. Another big highlight was meeting TMH's niece. She is such a cute, happy, social baby. I had a lot of fun hanging out with her. It looks like his sister will be moving back to the East coast so I hope that means we'll get to see more of them.
I better get back to work. I just wanted to share my current groove; it's nice to be feeling so optimistic. I'll try to keep it going...
Part of my groove is still getting up at 6:00 a.m., which is amazing for me, a long-time lover of sleep. What can I say? Summer school makes you an early bird. I love how long the day is after that. The only problem is that the night is really short.
I'm also getting into the groove of teaching. I have some really great students this summer. They are so smart and creative, and laid back, and fun. There is still time for some problem children to surface, but I think I am mostly in the clear for nightmare students (You may remember the thorn in my side last summer. Knock on wood, though. I don't want to jinx myself). So far, so good. I am no longer running around like a crazy person, much of the pandemonium has subsided, and though I am still quite busy, I have a little time to think about my research, my life in general, and of course, to hang out with TMH. Yay for time.
I am loving that on Tuesdays I don't really have to teach, I just get to sit in on the classes and lectures the students attend, monitor their English, and give them feedback. It's nice, I have to say. I am learning at the same time that they are, which is really a great model. Tomorrow I will be back to more responsibility, but I can tell that Tuesdays will provide a nice respite. I am also loving that we have Friday off!
Oh, the party! TMH and I had such a nice time at his parents' anniversary party. We were successful at keeping it a surprise- they were really shocked! It turned out so well. The food was great, people had a good time, and everyone praised TMH and his siblings for their effort. I was happy to be a part of it. Another big highlight was meeting TMH's niece. She is such a cute, happy, social baby. I had a lot of fun hanging out with her. It looks like his sister will be moving back to the East coast so I hope that means we'll get to see more of them.
I better get back to work. I just wanted to share my current groove; it's nice to be feeling so optimistic. I'll try to keep it going...
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
A New Life
This week has almost no resemblance to last week. Summer school has a way of taking over your life. The intensity, the chaos, it's all par for the course. Today was fun. I had my first individual class meeting with my own students. Most days I'll do that in the afternoon, and in the morning we'll have a larger group meeting with two other classes (and two other teachers) which means lots of group planning (which is fun but time-consuming, and, let's face it, a little bit annoying at times). Anyway, I went to my first class (which for some reason could not be scheduled in the same building with my partner teachers' classes) and I couldn't get in the building. I mean the door was locked. Um, ok. At this point things like this don't even phase me. So, I am running around campus (carrying all my technology with me, mind you. I have no office space or anything. I'm hauling a laptop, a recorder, my whole bag of books) trying to beg a security guard to let me in the building so I can TEACH A CLASS. Goodness. It's fun to have to beg to be able to do your job, really. To make matters even more disappointing, when we finally got in, it was the most cramped, crowded, inconvenient room ever.
In another couple of days, all these initial kinks should be ironed out (I hope!) and things will proceed intensely, though I hope a little less chaotically.
Life is different in other ways too. I am living with TMH, of course, and we are trying to get into our routine. Part of it is to get up at 6:00 a.m. to go run or work out, since we don't seem to have time in the evening anymore. The past two nights he hasn't even gotten home from work until 8:30 or 9:00 and I have been completely swamped with all of my own work. In addition to dealing with the chaos of summer school I am trying to move forward on my good news of last week (which kind of got lost in the chaos), setting up my research and keeping my priorities in mind. At the moment I feel guilty for sitting down to write this post because really there are so many other things I need to do. I hope the whole summer isn't like this. Given all of that, we've still managed to get up at 6:00 every morning this week. 3 days down... I feel like I deserve extra points or something.
This weekend we are going to TMH's hometown for the big surprise 40th anniversary party that he's been planning (together with his siblings) for his parents for the past several months. I am really looking forward to it. Of course it's bad timing with summer school, but ... screw it. Priorities, I say. I'll manage to get my shit done. I always do, somehow. Next weekend we are going with some of TMH's posh friends to the beach for the 4th (They may be going to the shore, but I'm going to the beach, and I don't plan to pop any collars. I'll certainly let you know how it goes). I am a little apprehensive about that trip, but at least it will be a short week, and it will be the beach (posh or not) so maybe I'll get to remember that it really is summer. After that we have no plans, other than work. Oh, and to make sure to get up at 6:00 a.m. every morning. Ha.
In another couple of days, all these initial kinks should be ironed out (I hope!) and things will proceed intensely, though I hope a little less chaotically.
Life is different in other ways too. I am living with TMH, of course, and we are trying to get into our routine. Part of it is to get up at 6:00 a.m. to go run or work out, since we don't seem to have time in the evening anymore. The past two nights he hasn't even gotten home from work until 8:30 or 9:00 and I have been completely swamped with all of my own work. In addition to dealing with the chaos of summer school I am trying to move forward on my good news of last week (which kind of got lost in the chaos), setting up my research and keeping my priorities in mind. At the moment I feel guilty for sitting down to write this post because really there are so many other things I need to do. I hope the whole summer isn't like this. Given all of that, we've still managed to get up at 6:00 every morning this week. 3 days down... I feel like I deserve extra points or something.
This weekend we are going to TMH's hometown for the big surprise 40th anniversary party that he's been planning (together with his siblings) for his parents for the past several months. I am really looking forward to it. Of course it's bad timing with summer school, but ... screw it. Priorities, I say. I'll manage to get my shit done. I always do, somehow. Next weekend we are going with some of TMH's posh friends to the beach for the 4th (They may be going to the shore, but I'm going to the beach, and I don't plan to pop any collars. I'll certainly let you know how it goes). I am a little apprehensive about that trip, but at least it will be a short week, and it will be the beach (posh or not) so maybe I'll get to remember that it really is summer. After that we have no plans, other than work. Oh, and to make sure to get up at 6:00 a.m. every morning. Ha.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Deep breath
Well, I am at TMH's now, and tomorrow is the big day. I have my meeting, and I start my summer job. I am focusing on turning my anxiety into excitement: I am actually really excited to be here. I am excited about my meeting and the potential that it holds, and I am even excited about my summer job. I am most excited to be here with TMH. He has done so much to make me feel welcome here and to be supportive as I experience the stresses of change.
Another chapter is beginning. Of course sometimes it seems too bad that there is always a price to pay. I wonder about those people who take the supposed "easy road." I seem to be destined to challenge myself, and to try things that are not easy for me. I did get a little teary when I said good-bye to my cat yesterday. And I always get sad when I say good-bye to my mom. She knows I am entering what she called a potential "rough patch," what with my summer ambitions, exams, and the finishing of the PhD. One step at a time, for sure. I have to remember that I am very lucky to be here now, I chose these pursuits, and they are serving to make me a more interesting person!
So now I must try to take full advantage of my last day to myself, to get settled, get prepared and get centered! I'm doing it.
Another chapter is beginning. Of course sometimes it seems too bad that there is always a price to pay. I wonder about those people who take the supposed "easy road." I seem to be destined to challenge myself, and to try things that are not easy for me. I did get a little teary when I said good-bye to my cat yesterday. And I always get sad when I say good-bye to my mom. She knows I am entering what she called a potential "rough patch," what with my summer ambitions, exams, and the finishing of the PhD. One step at a time, for sure. I have to remember that I am very lucky to be here now, I chose these pursuits, and they are serving to make me a more interesting person!
So now I must try to take full advantage of my last day to myself, to get settled, get prepared and get centered! I'm doing it.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Making the sale
I have come to view next week's meeting as a bit of a sales pitch. I don't have a lot of experience in sales. I want him to say yes, and it's clearly much easier for him to say no. I have been gathering information and advice from multiple sources as I try to prepare, and I have to express my disappointment and unfortunate lack of surprise that my advisor hasn't responded to my pleas for advice or suggestions of any kind. This is really a make-it or break-it situation for the future of my PhD, and my advisor is MIA (And no, he's not on vacation. He said he'd be available all month). The good news is that my third member is turning out to be really helpful. We've actually been carrying on an email dialog about all the issues, he is asking good questions and making me think. I guess it pays to have some junior faculty, right? Seriously, though, I am very pleased that my third member has been so supportive.
If the dean says no, it's no, and I move on to my sketchy back-up plans. (My best back up plan has me staying put at my current school, which is mostly OK except it keeps the rest of my life from moving forward for another four months, and it really seems less interesting at the moment. In the grand scheme of things, four months isn't so bad, I know. I am just trying to make myself feel better. If he says no, I WILL be able to move on. It will not be time to throw in the towel, after all of this work). If he doesn't say no, then more doors might open and it could be the beginning of some very exciting work.
But I understand clearly that it would be much easier for him to say no.
So now I am trying to think of all the reasons he should say yes, and how my research could be of interest to him. I am also trying to think of all the potential objections he might have and how I can address them. As a part of that I need to make it clear that my work will not cause him any headaches. My helpful committee member, let's call him B, suggested that I identify some allies. Unfortunately I am coming up short. I have some students there who could testify that I am a good teacher, but not any substantial supporters in the faculty or administration to speak to my academic skills (which brings me back to my back-up plan, at my current university, where I do have such support. My back-up plan has drawbacks...I am just not dwelling on them now). If you read my blog last summer, you know how crazy my summer director is, her reputation is debatable, and she's not really on the faculty. Hence, no real allies to identify, but at least I don't think I have anyone telling the dean NOT to let me do the work.
I am also obviously learning as much about this guy as I can, so I can try to align with his interests or initiatives. I would appreciate any additional tips or suggestions from any of you savvy folks out there!
Apart from pondering this meeting, I am enjoying some valuable time with my mom. Today I got to go swimming with her. My mom swims almost every morning, and she's still in super shape. We had lots of fun... I was really popular with the old ladies. I even did one of the deep water aerobics classes, and I have to say, it was hard! So, some ladies just wave their arms around, but if you actually do it right you get a really good workout. This afternoon we spent some time cleaning and cooking veggies that she got from the farmer who lives around the corner. He is the last hold-out in the midst of new housing developments. Apparently the developers can't wait for him to die so they can get their hands on his land. For now, he and my mom are trying to hold on to this way of life. After all, with all these new developments and new houses and new babies, we need food to eat, don't we? Where are we going to grow it? My mom doesn't mind spending hours getting it and preparing it, either, especially because it grew just around the corner. It's refreshing. There is certainly no rush around here.
I'm also still in the process of getting my car fixed. Can you believe that I took a 14 year-old car to the dealer (for maybe the second time since I got it in 2001) and they couldn't really find anything wrong with it? It stalled out a few times when TMH and I drove back from the beach, so I know there is something. I was so afraid to take it to the dealer, expecting a laundry list of issues. I'm completely flabbergasted, but I guess it's good to know (and I paid enough to find out) that my vehicle is certifiably safe. I do rely on it for long trips and such, and I am counting on it to last at least another year. When VW doesn't want to take more of my money, I have to believe it's mostly OK, right? And they are fixing the radio. You have no idea how much this excites me.
So I have the weekend. The calm before the storm? I am going to try to not get too worked up about my summer job and all the work and all of the issues that lie ahead...including my high stakes meeting. I am going to try to just take them as they come. Hey, I'm going to try, OK?! In any case it will be summer, and I'll be with TMH. Life is good, they say.
Have a good weekend, everyone.
If the dean says no, it's no, and I move on to my sketchy back-up plans. (My best back up plan has me staying put at my current school, which is mostly OK except it keeps the rest of my life from moving forward for another four months, and it really seems less interesting at the moment. In the grand scheme of things, four months isn't so bad, I know. I am just trying to make myself feel better. If he says no, I WILL be able to move on. It will not be time to throw in the towel, after all of this work). If he doesn't say no, then more doors might open and it could be the beginning of some very exciting work.
But I understand clearly that it would be much easier for him to say no.
So now I am trying to think of all the reasons he should say yes, and how my research could be of interest to him. I am also trying to think of all the potential objections he might have and how I can address them. As a part of that I need to make it clear that my work will not cause him any headaches. My helpful committee member, let's call him B, suggested that I identify some allies. Unfortunately I am coming up short. I have some students there who could testify that I am a good teacher, but not any substantial supporters in the faculty or administration to speak to my academic skills (which brings me back to my back-up plan, at my current university, where I do have such support. My back-up plan has drawbacks...I am just not dwelling on them now). If you read my blog last summer, you know how crazy my summer director is, her reputation is debatable, and she's not really on the faculty. Hence, no real allies to identify, but at least I don't think I have anyone telling the dean NOT to let me do the work.
I am also obviously learning as much about this guy as I can, so I can try to align with his interests or initiatives. I would appreciate any additional tips or suggestions from any of you savvy folks out there!
Apart from pondering this meeting, I am enjoying some valuable time with my mom. Today I got to go swimming with her. My mom swims almost every morning, and she's still in super shape. We had lots of fun... I was really popular with the old ladies. I even did one of the deep water aerobics classes, and I have to say, it was hard! So, some ladies just wave their arms around, but if you actually do it right you get a really good workout. This afternoon we spent some time cleaning and cooking veggies that she got from the farmer who lives around the corner. He is the last hold-out in the midst of new housing developments. Apparently the developers can't wait for him to die so they can get their hands on his land. For now, he and my mom are trying to hold on to this way of life. After all, with all these new developments and new houses and new babies, we need food to eat, don't we? Where are we going to grow it? My mom doesn't mind spending hours getting it and preparing it, either, especially because it grew just around the corner. It's refreshing. There is certainly no rush around here.
I'm also still in the process of getting my car fixed. Can you believe that I took a 14 year-old car to the dealer (for maybe the second time since I got it in 2001) and they couldn't really find anything wrong with it? It stalled out a few times when TMH and I drove back from the beach, so I know there is something. I was so afraid to take it to the dealer, expecting a laundry list of issues. I'm completely flabbergasted, but I guess it's good to know (and I paid enough to find out) that my vehicle is certifiably safe. I do rely on it for long trips and such, and I am counting on it to last at least another year. When VW doesn't want to take more of my money, I have to believe it's mostly OK, right? And they are fixing the radio. You have no idea how much this excites me.
So I have the weekend. The calm before the storm? I am going to try to not get too worked up about my summer job and all the work and all of the issues that lie ahead...including my high stakes meeting. I am going to try to just take them as they come. Hey, I'm going to try, OK?! In any case it will be summer, and I'll be with TMH. Life is good, they say.
Have a good weekend, everyone.
Friday, May 30, 2008
I'm a-leaving on a jet plane...
don't know when I'll be back again.
That's not true really. Neither point. I just like the song, and it still seems mostly appropriate. I am embarking on a 9+ hour drive tomorrow and I do know that I'll be back around August 21 or so. I have spent the past several days packing, cleaning and organizing. And finishing work. And trying to see friends, though one of my best friends is on vacation herself (I miss you, E). Tonight I am having a bit of shindig... just an "end of the semester, I'm about to leave for 2.5 months, everyone is moving into new phases of their lives" party. I am excited! On the one hand it's not great to have a party right before I leave, because it's more work, but at the same time it will be nice to leave town on a bit of an upswing (as opposed to being stressed out and packing!) I will miss my friends. I told everyone that everything must go... no leftovers allowed! (Hopefully they won't figure out my ploy to get them to help me finish cleaning out the fridge).
So, to recap, I am driving to my mom's tomorrow, TMH is coming down on Monday and we'll drive to the beach, we'll be at the beach until Friday when we drive back to my mom's, and he'll leave on Sunday. Then I'll stay with my mom for another week or so before I head up to TMH's to start my summer job. See how I have it all figured out? The worst part will be tomorrow: actually leaving town with my cat (you know how much she loves these drives) and crossing those last items off of my never-ending to-do list.
Speaking of, I better get back it. People will be here in approximately four hours, and I am on track to have everything done but I have to make sure it stays that way. I will be back online in about 10 days. Try not to miss me too much. Happy summer, everyone! Time to put on your flip flops and kick back for a while.
That's not true really. Neither point. I just like the song, and it still seems mostly appropriate. I am embarking on a 9+ hour drive tomorrow and I do know that I'll be back around August 21 or so. I have spent the past several days packing, cleaning and organizing. And finishing work. And trying to see friends, though one of my best friends is on vacation herself (I miss you, E). Tonight I am having a bit of shindig... just an "end of the semester, I'm about to leave for 2.5 months, everyone is moving into new phases of their lives" party. I am excited! On the one hand it's not great to have a party right before I leave, because it's more work, but at the same time it will be nice to leave town on a bit of an upswing (as opposed to being stressed out and packing!) I will miss my friends. I told everyone that everything must go... no leftovers allowed! (Hopefully they won't figure out my ploy to get them to help me finish cleaning out the fridge).
So, to recap, I am driving to my mom's tomorrow, TMH is coming down on Monday and we'll drive to the beach, we'll be at the beach until Friday when we drive back to my mom's, and he'll leave on Sunday. Then I'll stay with my mom for another week or so before I head up to TMH's to start my summer job. See how I have it all figured out? The worst part will be tomorrow: actually leaving town with my cat (you know how much she loves these drives) and crossing those last items off of my never-ending to-do list.
Speaking of, I better get back it. People will be here in approximately four hours, and I am on track to have everything done but I have to make sure it stays that way. I will be back online in about 10 days. Try not to miss me too much. Happy summer, everyone! Time to put on your flip flops and kick back for a while.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
You need to access your un-crazy side
So, I am still worried about all of the things that I mentioned in my previous post. I guess y'all weren't too concerned that I was sad: where is the love, people? Have I turned you off with all my fretting? I understand. It's frustrating to think the way I do, much less read about it. Not much has changed, really. I am still redding out, and organizing, and worrying about my life and not getting work done. I have exactly three days before I leave town for 2.5 months. Lots to do, lots to do.
I had a great weekend with TMH, despite one minor episode of me freaking out about being a 30- something woman with a serious boyfriend of 2.5 years who's not engaged. Needless to say, TMH did not appreciate that very much. I try to blame these (rare) outbreaks on the way women are socialized, but it's not really a good excuse. I would say for the most part I don't get caught up in these things. Only sometimes. When too many weddings are announced at once, for example. I try not to bother TMH with these thoughts. I really don't want to put pressure on him. Really. And getting engaged because other people are engaged is NOT a good idea. In fact, it's enough to make me NOT want to be engaged. Almost. I never really was a joiner, you know. It's just all the pressure. As I was saying, I think for the most part I have done a good job of not putting pressure on him. Who wants to get engaged just because the other person feels pressure? That's not the way I want to start a marriage. I understand that getting married is about the marriage, not the wedding. People who get married for the wrong reasons do not end up happy people! I understand that societal pressures really have no place. I UNDERSTAND, yet I am still strangely susceptible to them. I don't even care about half of this stuff... honest!! I wasn't a girl who dreamed of a wedding, ever. Ever. So why do I get caught up in this stuff now? It's very frustrating. There's no rush: it's about us and only us. And more importantly, we are lucky to have found each other. I realize I am really, really lucky. Think how sad I'd be with no TMH.
In my (weak) defense, you may have noticed that I've been kinda stressed out lately. About my research, my PhD schedule, and the moving to live with TMH next year. I have a lot of uncertainty in my life at the moment. I mean, I am planning a lot because of him. A LOT. I know, and he knows, and we both know. I mean, honestly, we've been struggling through a distance relationship for nearly two years now, just because we know we are right for each other. At the same time, we are used to living on our own, so next steps are still certainly BIG steps, and I can't help but feel a little insecure. In any case, given such circumstances, it might be reasonable for me to think that we might at least start to talk about getting married, especially since we'll be living together for most of the summer. Unfortunately, despite good intentions, I was unable to have a reasonable conversation about it. In the end I think it was for the best that my crazy side came out for a minute (or two). We shall see.
I had a great weekend with TMH, despite one minor episode of me freaking out about being a 30- something woman with a serious boyfriend of 2.5 years who's not engaged. Needless to say, TMH did not appreciate that very much. I try to blame these (rare) outbreaks on the way women are socialized, but it's not really a good excuse. I would say for the most part I don't get caught up in these things. Only sometimes. When too many weddings are announced at once, for example. I try not to bother TMH with these thoughts. I really don't want to put pressure on him. Really. And getting engaged because other people are engaged is NOT a good idea. In fact, it's enough to make me NOT want to be engaged. Almost. I never really was a joiner, you know. It's just all the pressure. As I was saying, I think for the most part I have done a good job of not putting pressure on him. Who wants to get engaged just because the other person feels pressure? That's not the way I want to start a marriage. I understand that getting married is about the marriage, not the wedding. People who get married for the wrong reasons do not end up happy people! I understand that societal pressures really have no place. I UNDERSTAND, yet I am still strangely susceptible to them. I don't even care about half of this stuff... honest!! I wasn't a girl who dreamed of a wedding, ever. Ever. So why do I get caught up in this stuff now? It's very frustrating. There's no rush: it's about us and only us. And more importantly, we are lucky to have found each other. I realize I am really, really lucky. Think how sad I'd be with no TMH.
In my (weak) defense, you may have noticed that I've been kinda stressed out lately. About my research, my PhD schedule, and the moving to live with TMH next year. I have a lot of uncertainty in my life at the moment. I mean, I am planning a lot because of him. A LOT. I know, and he knows, and we both know. I mean, honestly, we've been struggling through a distance relationship for nearly two years now, just because we know we are right for each other. At the same time, we are used to living on our own, so next steps are still certainly BIG steps, and I can't help but feel a little insecure. In any case, given such circumstances, it might be reasonable for me to think that we might at least start to talk about getting married, especially since we'll be living together for most of the summer. Unfortunately, despite good intentions, I was unable to have a reasonable conversation about it. In the end I think it was for the best that my crazy side came out for a minute (or two). We shall see.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
A little bit sad
I know it doesn't make sense. I just finished the semester. I am getting ready to go see TMH for Memorial Day weekend. Our beach vacation is within striking distance (only 1.5 weeks away!) But I'm still feeling sad.
A few reasons:
1. I am about to embark on another big period of change. I am getting my apartment ready to be gone, redding out, getting organized, trying to make lists of all the things I need to do before I leave town for 2.5 months. That's a lot, and we all know change is good for me but not always the easiest.
2. I am putting a lot of pressure on the summer. To hear me tell it right now, my whole life is going to be decided this summer. I am going to set up my research, get ready for A exams, move forward in my personal life. Don't forget I am going to do all of this while I manage a fairly rigorous work schedule. If you read my blog last summer you know how miserable I was for almost half of it. I keep telling myself it will be better now that I know what to expect, and after all I triumphed last summer and even won a teaching award for my trouble. But I am not kidding myself. It's a tough job, and doing it in addition to everything else I think I have to do this summer is daunting, to say the least.
3. I watched one of my friends get destroyed in her proposal defense last week. I know why it happened, and what to do to make sure it doesn't happen to me, but it still scared the shit out of me. Out of all of us, really. Her committee ended up passing her, but it was brutal. I have to do the defense before I can officially leave, which means I have to do it in December, and it means that I have to be ready, which is tied to everything I have to do this summer. I am scared. Plain and simple. Really, really, scared. I mentioned the meeting that I had a couple of weeks ago, which really tipped me off to the struggle I might face. I know what I am trying to do won't be easy, and I need to develop plan B and C, etc, but what if my plans don't work out? I'm just scared. So, yeah, pressure. See #2.
4. TMH has been busy again this week. I know he's just tired, and I know this is just a reality for us, but I don't like it. He works a lot and then doesn't leave enough time to talk to me, so he's tired when we talk. So I am worried about all of this stuff and he goes to bed and turns off his phone. I know this will be an ongoing issue for us. Tomorrow (well, today, really, since it's after midnight now) is our 2. 5 year anniversary. I know that doesn't count as a real event.... but still. I can't believe we've been together for so long.
5. My dad. I have been trying to plan a trip to see him before I start my summer job and it's quite frustrating. You would think he'd just be happy to have me come visit. At this point I say, never mind. You think some issues will get easier and they don't.
I think that's enough for now. I just want things to feel more set, and settled, and I know they won't for a while. The stable period of my grad student life is ending, and I am entering the ambiguous period, which I guess will continue until I finish. Hopefully at some point I really will get set up so well that I can hammer out a schedule and create a sense of stability again. Hopefully. As one of my other grad student friends told me, "of course it's reasonable to be scared when you are starting something as huge and daunting as a dissertation!" I know I am only still at the beginning of this process; these are just the initial hurdles, which makes the whole process seem even more overwhelming.
In any case, I can guess what advice you might give me. Let's see if I can take it myself. It's the end of the semester, don't worry so much. Just take everything one step at a time. Take a break, get some rest, and clear your mind. Things will work out. Just keeping working hard, it will be OK.
I know, I know. And on that note, it's certainly time for bed.
A few reasons:
1. I am about to embark on another big period of change. I am getting my apartment ready to be gone, redding out, getting organized, trying to make lists of all the things I need to do before I leave town for 2.5 months. That's a lot, and we all know change is good for me but not always the easiest.
2. I am putting a lot of pressure on the summer. To hear me tell it right now, my whole life is going to be decided this summer. I am going to set up my research, get ready for A exams, move forward in my personal life. Don't forget I am going to do all of this while I manage a fairly rigorous work schedule. If you read my blog last summer you know how miserable I was for almost half of it. I keep telling myself it will be better now that I know what to expect, and after all I triumphed last summer and even won a teaching award for my trouble. But I am not kidding myself. It's a tough job, and doing it in addition to everything else I think I have to do this summer is daunting, to say the least.
3. I watched one of my friends get destroyed in her proposal defense last week. I know why it happened, and what to do to make sure it doesn't happen to me, but it still scared the shit out of me. Out of all of us, really. Her committee ended up passing her, but it was brutal. I have to do the defense before I can officially leave, which means I have to do it in December, and it means that I have to be ready, which is tied to everything I have to do this summer. I am scared. Plain and simple. Really, really, scared. I mentioned the meeting that I had a couple of weeks ago, which really tipped me off to the struggle I might face. I know what I am trying to do won't be easy, and I need to develop plan B and C, etc, but what if my plans don't work out? I'm just scared. So, yeah, pressure. See #2.
4. TMH has been busy again this week. I know he's just tired, and I know this is just a reality for us, but I don't like it. He works a lot and then doesn't leave enough time to talk to me, so he's tired when we talk. So I am worried about all of this stuff and he goes to bed and turns off his phone. I know this will be an ongoing issue for us. Tomorrow (well, today, really, since it's after midnight now) is our 2. 5 year anniversary. I know that doesn't count as a real event.... but still. I can't believe we've been together for so long.
5. My dad. I have been trying to plan a trip to see him before I start my summer job and it's quite frustrating. You would think he'd just be happy to have me come visit. At this point I say, never mind. You think some issues will get easier and they don't.
I think that's enough for now. I just want things to feel more set, and settled, and I know they won't for a while. The stable period of my grad student life is ending, and I am entering the ambiguous period, which I guess will continue until I finish. Hopefully at some point I really will get set up so well that I can hammer out a schedule and create a sense of stability again. Hopefully. As one of my other grad student friends told me, "of course it's reasonable to be scared when you are starting something as huge and daunting as a dissertation!" I know I am only still at the beginning of this process; these are just the initial hurdles, which makes the whole process seem even more overwhelming.
In any case, I can guess what advice you might give me. Let's see if I can take it myself. It's the end of the semester, don't worry so much. Just take everything one step at a time. Take a break, get some rest, and clear your mind. Things will work out. Just keeping working hard, it will be OK.
I know, I know. And on that note, it's certainly time for bed.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Labor Day
This day has many meanings. When I was little it meant the last day the pool was open. I never understood that one... not like it wasn't going to be hot for at least another month. It meant that it was almost time to go back to school. It meant hot dogs and a long weekend at the beach and all those cheesy American things that you probably think it meant. I hope it still means some of those things to some of you. Now, for reasons I find very sad, for me it just has symbolic meaning as the end of summer.
Why? My current institution of higher education does not observe Labor Day. WHAT? Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently the nerds who go to my school complained that Labor Day came too early in the year, and since they are paying top dollar for an education, it's disruptive and wasteful to have a day off so soon after the semester starts. Again, WHAT? That's the whole point of the day, from a student perspective: so you can ease back into the routine. No such luck here.
In any case, TMH had the day off, and we did our best to observe the holiday, and I did my best to avoid work- until he left town, at least. Not surprisingly, I am feeling a bit sad now. It's for the usual reasons, plus the Labor Day feeling- like summer went too quickly. He's gone- I had been looking forward to his visit for so long, my pretend birthday is over (though it was excellent-such a nice evening), it was over in a flash, the week is going to be busy (but my mom is coming at the end of it), I am getting old, etc, etc. You know the drill. The good news is that I spent the better half of the day (after he left) getting organized for the week and the semester ahead. I three-hole-punched stuff, organized notebooks, cleaned up my office, did my schedule, and even finished my reading. Yep, I did it. Bring on the week, and the semester ahead....
In our haste, though, let's just take a moment to acknowledge the symbolic end of the summer. It was certainly a good one.
Why? My current institution of higher education does not observe Labor Day. WHAT? Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently the nerds who go to my school complained that Labor Day came too early in the year, and since they are paying top dollar for an education, it's disruptive and wasteful to have a day off so soon after the semester starts. Again, WHAT? That's the whole point of the day, from a student perspective: so you can ease back into the routine. No such luck here.
In any case, TMH had the day off, and we did our best to observe the holiday, and I did my best to avoid work- until he left town, at least. Not surprisingly, I am feeling a bit sad now. It's for the usual reasons, plus the Labor Day feeling- like summer went too quickly. He's gone- I had been looking forward to his visit for so long, my pretend birthday is over (though it was excellent-such a nice evening), it was over in a flash, the week is going to be busy (but my mom is coming at the end of it), I am getting old, etc, etc. You know the drill. The good news is that I spent the better half of the day (after he left) getting organized for the week and the semester ahead. I three-hole-punched stuff, organized notebooks, cleaned up my office, did my schedule, and even finished my reading. Yep, I did it. Bring on the week, and the semester ahead....
In our haste, though, let's just take a moment to acknowledge the symbolic end of the summer. It was certainly a good one.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Two down....
Ok, this is no way to live, counting down the weeks of the summer. I have decided I have to rearrange my thinking. I know I can control the way I think about it. I have to separate the job from the weeks. The job is much better this week than it was last week, and let's hope that trend continues. Before I know it I will be done with the job (and HAPPY about it) and done with being here with TMH (and SAD about it) at the same time. I MUST ENJOY SUMMER. It is the only one I have, and when you live where I live you spend most of the year waiting for summer. It doesn't do any good to lament the job (which I don't like, it's a lot of STRESS, but I am making the most of it- and let's not forget it's getting better) or the fact that I won't have a break between the job and the new semester. Such is life- there is nothing I can do about it. At the same time, it's July, it's summer, it's the weekend, and it's time to enjoy! I can do something about that!
The week was better, I will say that again. My grumpy students are coming around and I am getting into the swing of things. It helped to have Wednesday off. I am getting adjusted to things, mostly. Wednesday we had some people over and enjoyed TMH's prime location on the river. We had an excellent view of the fireworks, without having to fight the crowds.
I can't think of any other noteworthy items from the week. I do miss girl time..... and Target. I also miss my mom and my cat. I miss my friends, too. Some of them are great, but others of them have been very bad at staying in touch with me. I wonder if this is just a fact of life as we all get older- it's depressing. Sometimes it doesn't feel much like summer... but then I should go back to my first point. This is the summer that I have and I need to try to take full advantage of it.
Oh, I know... the wedding. It was as extravagant as I expected, if not more so. It was also a lot of fun. It was nice to meet more of TMH's friends and remind myself that they aren't all rich people who don't care about anything. I only had a couple of people question my career choice ;) It was also nice to enjoy my first dessert in a month... it was quite good- well worth the wait! Now I just have to figure out how to proceed with my sugar addiction, which still hasn't been broken (I ate a lot of jelly beans after work one day this week. I was very disappointed in myself as I thought I had broken the habit. It all started because they actually had a "candy bar" at the wedding (all candy that matched their color scheme, of course), with little bags to take home. I didn't think I should take any, but TMH convinced me that it was ok. Little did he know that he was waking up the monster within- he came home that day and caught me with a blue tongue. The jelly beans are hiding in the fridge now. I am hoping I can still go back to my original plan to have dessert occasionally.)
Tomorrow I think we are going to take a short day trip out of the city, to the coast somewhere. I am looking forward to relaxing and having some quiet time- that's what summer is about, after all. Maybe I'll even have some candy...
The week was better, I will say that again. My grumpy students are coming around and I am getting into the swing of things. It helped to have Wednesday off. I am getting adjusted to things, mostly. Wednesday we had some people over and enjoyed TMH's prime location on the river. We had an excellent view of the fireworks, without having to fight the crowds.
I can't think of any other noteworthy items from the week. I do miss girl time..... and Target. I also miss my mom and my cat. I miss my friends, too. Some of them are great, but others of them have been very bad at staying in touch with me. I wonder if this is just a fact of life as we all get older- it's depressing. Sometimes it doesn't feel much like summer... but then I should go back to my first point. This is the summer that I have and I need to try to take full advantage of it.
Oh, I know... the wedding. It was as extravagant as I expected, if not more so. It was also a lot of fun. It was nice to meet more of TMH's friends and remind myself that they aren't all rich people who don't care about anything. I only had a couple of people question my career choice ;) It was also nice to enjoy my first dessert in a month... it was quite good- well worth the wait! Now I just have to figure out how to proceed with my sugar addiction, which still hasn't been broken (I ate a lot of jelly beans after work one day this week. I was very disappointed in myself as I thought I had broken the habit. It all started because they actually had a "candy bar" at the wedding (all candy that matched their color scheme, of course), with little bags to take home. I didn't think I should take any, but TMH convinced me that it was ok. Little did he know that he was waking up the monster within- he came home that day and caught me with a blue tongue. The jelly beans are hiding in the fridge now. I am hoping I can still go back to my original plan to have dessert occasionally.)
Tomorrow I think we are going to take a short day trip out of the city, to the coast somewhere. I am looking forward to relaxing and having some quiet time- that's what summer is about, after all. Maybe I'll even have some candy...
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