A little bit sad

I know it doesn't make sense. I just finished the semester. I am getting ready to go see TMH for Memorial Day weekend. Our beach vacation is within striking distance (only 1.5 weeks away!) But I'm still feeling sad.

A few reasons:

1. I am about to embark on another big period of change. I am getting my apartment ready to be gone, redding out, getting organized, trying to make lists of all the things I need to do before I leave town for 2.5 months. That's a lot, and we all know change is good for me but not always the easiest.

2. I am putting a lot of pressure on the summer. To hear me tell it right now, my whole life is going to be decided this summer. I am going to set up my research, get ready for A exams, move forward in my personal life. Don't forget I am going to do all of this while I manage a fairly rigorous work schedule. If you read my blog last summer you know how miserable I was for almost half of it. I keep telling myself it will be better now that I know what to expect, and after all I triumphed last summer and even won a teaching award for my trouble. But I am not kidding myself. It's a tough job, and doing it in addition to everything else I think I have to do this summer is daunting, to say the least.

3. I watched one of my friends get destroyed in her proposal defense last week. I know why it happened, and what to do to make sure it doesn't happen to me, but it still scared the shit out of me. Out of all of us, really. Her committee ended up passing her, but it was brutal. I have to do the defense before I can officially leave, which means I have to do it in December, and it means that I have to be ready, which is tied to everything I have to do this summer. I am scared. Plain and simple. Really, really, scared. I mentioned the meeting that I had a couple of weeks ago, which really tipped me off to the struggle I might face. I know what I am trying to do won't be easy, and I need to develop plan B and C, etc, but what if my plans don't work out? I'm just scared. So, yeah, pressure. See #2.

4. TMH has been busy again this week. I know he's just tired, and I know this is just a reality for us, but I don't like it. He works a lot and then doesn't leave enough time to talk to me, so he's tired when we talk. So I am worried about all of this stuff and he goes to bed and turns off his phone. I know this will be an ongoing issue for us. Tomorrow (well, today, really, since it's after midnight now) is our 2. 5 year anniversary. I know that doesn't count as a real event.... but still. I can't believe we've been together for so long.

5. My dad. I have been trying to plan a trip to see him before I start my summer job and it's quite frustrating. You would think he'd just be happy to have me come visit. At this point I say, never mind. You think some issues will get easier and they don't.

I think that's enough for now. I just want things to feel more set, and settled, and I know they won't for a while. The stable period of my grad student life is ending, and I am entering the ambiguous period, which I guess will continue until I finish. Hopefully at some point I really will get set up so well that I can hammer out a schedule and create a sense of stability again. Hopefully. As one of my other grad student friends told me, "of course it's reasonable to be scared when you are starting something as huge and daunting as a dissertation!" I know I am only still at the beginning of this process; these are just the initial hurdles, which makes the whole process seem even more overwhelming.

In any case, I can guess what advice you might give me. Let's see if I can take it myself. It's the end of the semester, don't worry so much. Just take everything one step at a time. Take a break, get some rest, and clear your mind. Things will work out. Just keeping working hard, it will be OK.

I know, I know. And on that note, it's certainly time for bed.