Leaving a mark

I thought I would take a moment, in this crazy finale of summer school, to say that I am proud of myself. I am sometimes criticized for fretting too much, and for not taking time to acknowledge that my life is really pretty great, and I feel the need to do it now.

I am happy. I can say that I have accomplished something, and I should take a minute to acknowledge all of that before the next chapter and all of its accompanying turmoil comes in like a lion, and I remember how inadequate I often feel as a grad student. Life is all going to come crashing down in the next two days.... summer school ends as crazily as it begins, TMH and I have a short beach retreat, and then I'm "home" and back to "my real life" almost instantaneously. And then poof! It's over. Almost lost without a trace?

One of my students sent me a wonderfully creative and touching letter yesterday. It's actually the letter he wrote to my boss on my behalf (just because he felt like it), and decided to share with me as well. Anyway, it nearly sent me over the emotional edge. In it he says that words are sometimes not enough to leave footprints in the sand, because a cruel tide can come to erase them, often without warning. He said that his letter was his attempt to leave a visible record of what has occurred before it is forgotten, and to settle an intellectual debt of gratitude with me, his teacher. Whoa. He is a quirky and engaging student who is clearly quite creative....and brilliant. He tries to keep track of everything, and he is obsessed with stamps. He dates and stamps everything, even "the most irrelevant things imaginable."

Here's what he said in the email to which the letter was attached:
I am sure that in 25 years, I will be packing all my things from my Mongolian house to move with my third wife (with a very long psychiatric history) to a new place in Finland. Then, I will open an old bourdeaux binder and I will have a stupid smile of satisfaction on my face. That is the whole purpose of this hypomania. I think it is fair that you also have the chance to keep it for your records.

That old bourdeaux binder contains his final portfolio for my class.

So, in an effort to leave my own record, I want to say that in this moment I am proud of my teaching this summer. I am proud of (most of) my students. I am proud that I got permission to do my research, and found a few allies at the university here... this is a huge step for me! I am proud of my relationship with TMH and the work that we do to keep it strong. I am proud of my relationship with my mom. I am proud of how hard I work and that I just keep chipping away at my goals. I am proud that I get up to go running in the morning. I am proud of my friends and my ability to be a good friend. (It was fantastic seeing two of them this weekend. Friends are so important!) I need to take this time to acknowledge that my life is really pretty amazing. (Try to remind me of this next month when I'm in the middle of chaos and emotional turmoil and exams and such, will you? It's always good to plain ahead for predictably difficult times. )

Oh, and by the way, the balloon is still flying high in the living room.