That's where I've stumbled, I think. In a weird space that may or may not exist, and a place from which I may or may not be able to remove myself. Don't be fooled... I think I really just want to complain again. Do you know that I get tired of hearing myself, even just hearing myself in my head? I certainly get tired of hearing others. Can I tell you again how LOUD one of my partner teachers is? LOUD. I love her, but I was raised to be quiet. Everything about her is loud. Her voice, her walk, her sneezes (you would NOT believe how loud she sneezes, and then screams "excuse me," so that in a room of 40 people everyone turns to stare), everything. But maybe it pays to be loud. I get so annoyed when I try to participate in a conversation and people don't hear me. Most people just don't listen I guess, especially loud people, and especially not to quiet people who try to be polite. Or maybe it's just the classic, stereotypical difference between north and south. She's a loud Yankee and I'm a softspoken Southern girl. Maybe. Only I've never thought of myself that way before. And come to think of it, some Southern girls are pretty loud too. Maybe it's just a different kind of loud. Here it's an in-your-face sort of loudness that I really have trouble with sometimes.
My students have been my saving grace this week, cash cows or not. They are super-nice, and they responded well to my criticism about their writing. I think they are realizing that once they start school they won't have such a nice and helpful aid. Most of my group seem to really want to improve, and I think I didn't realize how much they didn't know when they started. I need to help them learn (of course that's what I've been trying to do for 5.5 weeks). Some students take longer than others and others don't care. That's just the way of the world. Most of mine care, though, at least a little. I think the scary director will be visiting my class soon. I was annoyed because she already went to my partner's classes, and she didn't go to mine because my room is also in a part of the forest that was left out by mistake. (Remember when I couldn't even get in on the first day of class?) Even the director couldn't find us. Unfortunately, she asked me how to get there and I decided to be honest. So I guess maybe now she'll come? Ugh. She always comes at the absolute worst moment.
The rest of my issues are about my stress about fall, my relationship and my life in general. To be specific, that is. I am not very happy to be where I am 5.5 weeks into the summer. I know I should just try to make the most of the next 2.5 weeks, but that's hard. I had expectations for the summer that have not and will not be met, across the board of issues. Of course we all know that I had ambitious (aka unrealistic) expectations, though I did not think they were unrealistic on all fronts. I suppose I should have predicted all this, and if I look back at posts from May, in a way I did. Sort of like a chronicle of a death foretold, if you will.
I am tired. Tired tired, and tired of feeling the way I feel at the moment. I am not happy about what I see when I look ahead to the fall. I am just not happy. To make matters even more complicated, I am not happy to think that I am wasting my time not being happy. LOL. There's a paradox for you. My students spent a long time today talking about paradoxes. I know I just have to get happy.... or decide how to proceed. But we can't be happy all the time, you know, and I think everyone could agree that my life is currently a bit stressful.
So, I know I'll get through. Don't worry. I am not ready to jump off a bridge just yet. Maybe I'll just try to hide in a friendly part of the forest that's been left out (by mistake?). Just let me find a friendly part.
You'll at least make me smile if you can name the inspiration for this post.
2 comments:
PMP,
Keep your chin up, sorry i don't know the title reference, been a long time since i had to study at a tertiary instution and i wasnt a very good student, any time you need a laugh or to cheer you up have a look at MEPs blog, everytime i look i laugh my head off, i still don't understand MEPs obsession, but then MEP doesnt understand my obession in life. will be good to see KP when he comes out. i have in the last 3 months discovered fitness after a long time away from it, and even thought my body complains i am making progress, i do boot camp with a trainer 4 days a week and am enjoying it, see ya DGP
It's sucky but true: the more expectations we have, the more we will be let down.
As perfectionists, we have many expectations of ourselves and others, so we set ourselves up for constant disappointment.
It's the dark side of being a perfectionist, I suppose. I think it would be far worse to have little to no expectations of ourselves and the world, and just not care.
IOW, I think I understand your pain. We excel because we expect a lot of ourselves; but we can make life more difficult for ourselves when things out of our control go contrary to our expectations.
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