So, I am still worried about all of the things that I mentioned in my previous post. I guess y'all weren't too concerned that I was sad: where is the love, people? Have I turned you off with all my fretting? I understand. It's frustrating to think the way I do, much less read about it. Not much has changed, really. I am still redding out, and organizing, and worrying about my life and not getting work done. I have exactly three days before I leave town for 2.5 months. Lots to do, lots to do.
I had a great weekend with TMH, despite one minor episode of me freaking out about being a 30- something woman with a serious boyfriend of 2.5 years who's not engaged. Needless to say, TMH did not appreciate that very much. I try to blame these (rare) outbreaks on the way women are socialized, but it's not really a good excuse. I would say for the most part I don't get caught up in these things. Only sometimes. When too many weddings are announced at once, for example. I try not to bother TMH with these thoughts. I really don't want to put pressure on him. Really. And getting engaged because other people are engaged is NOT a good idea. In fact, it's enough to make me NOT want to be engaged. Almost. I never really was a joiner, you know. It's just all the pressure. As I was saying, I think for the most part I have done a good job of not putting pressure on him. Who wants to get engaged just because the other person feels pressure? That's not the way I want to start a marriage. I understand that getting married is about the marriage, not the wedding. People who get married for the wrong reasons do not end up happy people! I understand that societal pressures really have no place. I UNDERSTAND, yet I am still strangely susceptible to them. I don't even care about half of this stuff... honest!! I wasn't a girl who dreamed of a wedding, ever. Ever. So why do I get caught up in this stuff now? It's very frustrating. There's no rush: it's about us and only us. And more importantly, we are lucky to have found each other. I realize I am really, really lucky. Think how sad I'd be with no TMH.
In my (weak) defense, you may have noticed that I've been kinda stressed out lately. About my research, my PhD schedule, and the moving to live with TMH next year. I have a lot of uncertainty in my life at the moment. I mean, I am planning a lot because of him. A LOT. I know, and he knows, and we both know. I mean, honestly, we've been struggling through a distance relationship for nearly two years now, just because we know we are right for each other. At the same time, we are used to living on our own, so next steps are still certainly BIG steps, and I can't help but feel a little insecure. In any case, given such circumstances, it might be reasonable for me to think that we might at least start to talk about getting married, especially since we'll be living together for most of the summer. Unfortunately, despite good intentions, I was unable to have a reasonable conversation about it. In the end I think it was for the best that my crazy side came out for a minute (or two). We shall see.
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