Out with the old....

1. Insecurities. They seem to be rearing their heads more and more in the wedding planning process. I am not an event person, but I am excited to be getting married, and I am confident that I will do it in a way that will be true to me. It doesn't matter if others do not like my choices. They are my choices. What matters is that I approve of them. This goes for all my fears about my family as well. I can only control my decisions and my behavior- not what anyone else wants me to do. Of course this is tempered by how much I care about my friends and family, and my fears of alienating them. I just have to go with the confidence that the people who love me will understand. When it comes down to it, it will be great to bring so many important people together. The wedding is going to be wonderful.... and a lot of fun!

2. Worries and Anxieties. This makes me laugh. How many of you think I can do away with my anxiety in 2009? I am known to be a bit of a fretter. Given how much change and uncertainty is already planned for the year, I have a feeling I will have a hard time keeping this under wraps. I know it's not about elimination, though, it's about management. I am prepared to handle everything coming towards me right now. I will do my best to handle it well. Let's face it, the things coming towards me that are scary are all mostly positive things: my dissertation proposal defense and data collection (Clearly essential steps on my PhD path), my move in with TMH (Also clearly essential to my future marriage and plans for happiness. Much of my current stress comes from us living separately. I know moving in will be a big adjustment for both of us, and me moving away from the town that has been my home and a critical part of my life for the past 5 years is no small matter. But it's time.), my wedding (Exciting!), my marriage, leaving my job, changes at work, etc. (How positive some of these things may be is unclear at the moment!)

And in with the new...

1. Confidence. See above. I am prepared to do what I need to do. I am lucky to be doing so many exciting things. I can do it!

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I am in limbo now. It's sort of still vacation time for me, but I need to work this week. I need to work, and see my parents, and manage my stress surrounding my imminent proposal defense. Since I did not get feedback from my advisor until Christmas Eve, I haven't made much progress. The good news is, he had some helpful suggestions and they shouldn't take TOO much time. I am confident that by the end of day tomorrow I will have a decent (updated) draft to send to my committee.

The holidays were nice. First, I got to spend some time with my mom and see some old friends. My mom is doing well, though she is definitely getting older. I have to make myself be patient... I just don't want her to be older. I got to see some good friends, and remember where I come from, if that makes any sense. I think sometimes I forget that there are people who have known me for a LONG time out there. It's nice to be reminded. I ordered my wedding dress, which was actually a big moment when insecurities came out, surprisingly! It somehow wasn't enough for me that I wanted the dress; I got too worried about what others might think. I am excited about the dress! Out with those insecurities! It was the first one I tried on, the first one I loved, the one I had been eyeing for weeks. I think it's me, and it's beautiful.

I also got to spend a full week with TMH. We went on a ski vacation, which was awesome, despite the frigid temperatures. I thought cold was cold until we experienced frostbite warnings and a mostly empty ski resort. If the pros are not willing to brave the temps, it must be bad, right? We did get to do some skiing, and just hang out, though, which was really what we needed to do. It was a nice way to ring in 2009. We also did a bit of wedding planning, which made us feel a bit better, I think. You all know how TMH loves his spreadsheets. At least we are really doing this in a collaborative way. We are both about to get pretty busy with life again, so it's nice to be clear from my project manager ;-) about what aspects of the wedding planning I should focus on when I need to take a break from my work.

So, that's my update for now. I am sitting in TMH's apartment, about to go to the airport to head back to my mom's. I'll work and go see my dad this week (who was just offered a job on the other side of the world. Big news!), and then I'll head back up to my "real" life on the weekend. I can do it! Out with the old, and in with the new, they say. Though let's not forget that some of the old was good. 2008 was a pretty terrific year for me, and I can only expect that 2009 will be as well. But why do the holidays always go by so quickly?! I think that was the cry heard round the country this morning.

Happy 2009, everyone!

Now if only we had a wheelbarrow, that would be something

In a way, writing a dissertation is much like storming the castle. People keep putting roadblocks in my way, and I have to figure out a way around them. I am currently navigating my way around them. Mostly.

I got stuck for a while, and realized (duh) that wasn't doing me any good. I have to at least keep trying to move forward. So now, Thanksgiving has passed, and I have a renewed energy to storm through this project. Renewed energy mixed with panic that there are really only 3 weeks left until I leave for the semester. And that I am really unclear about what will be happening next semester. But I have (almost) 3 weeks to work all that out. Unfortunately a wheelbarrow really won't help me. If only it were that easy...

Thanksgiving was a nice holiday. First off, TMH and I celebrated our three-year dating anniversary. It hit me that I am joining TMH's family. He's joining mine too, of course, but Thanksgiving was a time to think about his. I got to bond a bit with his mother and sister, and I was touched by their excitement about the wedding. Little B, TMH's niece, is cuter than ever. I have to admit that I am very excited to be an aunt. They are already calling me Aunt PMP. That makes me happy. TMH's brother is excited to be the best man in the wedding. So everyone is happy.

It was really tough sending TMH home on Sunday. I have to get back to storming the castle, because we can't live like this for much longer! We're on our third year of distance, and I'm told that married people like to live together. I have to get this done.

O to struggle against great odds, to meet enemies undaunted!

Like Mr. Pitts, I'm feeling a bit daunted.

I found out this week that I should write three chapters of my dissertation by December 1 if I want to defend my proposal by the end of the semester. The proposal defense is the last hoop standing between me and my research. When my advisor told me, I thought he was kidding. Nope. Apparently these three chapters make up the dissertation proposal. There is a difference between saying "three chapters" and saying "proposal" don't you think? Apparently I have much of the work done from my A-exam papers, so that's good news. Somehow I still feel it's all a bit daunting!

The major issue is that I am struggling to get back into work mode. I need to get back to my A-exam schedule, which has been tough. I think I'm just kind of burned out, though it's way too early for me to be burned out! I have three weeks, basically. I just have to get my mind back into it. I can do it!

Things continue to be a bit off. My friend's mom is still in the hospital, though she seems to be doing better. The first round of lay-offs hit TMH's company, and one of his good friends was let go. That was sad and a bit scary. My work has been unusual and busy. Busy is the norm but I have been busy with unusual things, I guess. TMH and I haven't been able to make any winter break plans because of his schedule and my uncertainty about my proposal. At least we have Thanksgiving plans set. We are both looking forward to going to TMH's parents' house. All of his siblings will be home, and of course the big draw is my future niece. She's super cute and growing up quickly! We are both excited about that trip, at least.

In other good news we have started planning a bit more for the wedding. I am getting excited about bringing my close friends and family together. We may win a prize for the number of people who come from far away for our big day. I am especially touched because my cousin M in Australia is so excited to be a part of the wedding. My relationship with her really means a lot to me. In any case, it's nice to have such a happy occasion to distract me.

But for now I am sitting in TMH's apartment (so good to have gotten away from the craziness at school and to see him again!) with a day of writing ahead of me, feeling a bit daunted. Wish me luck!

Some people will say you are going the wrong way...

when it is simply a way of your own.

This was the caption in the congratulations card that TMH sent me last week. I love it. Unlike those who started out with a clear plan, I have been meandering around for a while, but I am making my own road, and look at where I am ending up!

I can't believe it's Friday again, and it's been almost two weeks since I passed my exams.

I took it easy the first week, which seems only reasonable. Unfortunately my job made it hard for me to take it too easy... which, again, seems mostly reasonable. I got to catch up with some good friends, and start thinking a bit more about the wedding, which is definitely exciting! TMH came to visit last weekend and we celebrated. I felt like we had a mini vacation.... well-deserved for both of us, to be sure.

This week has been really unusual:

1. I can't seem to get my committee to pay any attention to me (this in itself is not unusual!). Despite my success, I am on a time line and I need to move forward with my proposal. I have to get the proposal defense done so that I can start my research next semester. The only person concerned about my time line is me so I have to continue to be determined and push things through! It's an uphill battle, but I am fighting it. It's fun to read the PhD attrition statistics: students with my profile (older, female, working, after completing exams/coursework) are at high risk for dropping out, and I can understand why! It doesn't help that my whole life is contingent on the proposal defense right now. It will affect my winter break plans as well as my plans for next semester. I know I will figure it out, like I always do, though. I just haven't done it yet. For once I need some guidance, so I have to make sure my committee comes through for me.

2. We have a new president! The world has changed. Of course the beginning of this week was taken up by much attention to the elections. I was so happy to see the results, particularly with the changes going on in the South. It's an exciting time, for sure!

3. Despite such excitement, we are living in scary economic times. TMH will be hearing about lay offs in his company soon. He said there is no point in getting worried; nothing we can do but see what happens. I hope the new president and the renewed feeling of hope will help us move forward out of the serious mess we are in now.

4. A good friend's mother is in the hospital. I spent much of Wednesday night in the ER with her. It was pretty scary. She is OK for now, which is good news. It was actually my first time to visit the hospital here... definitely an eye-opening experience. Her trip to the ER coincided with my own mother's cataract surgery (my mom is convinced she's going to lose her vision, since she is the ultimate worrier; so far she seems OK). Of course my mom's situation is much different from my friend's, but we definitely have some things in common. Being the only child/only daughter with an aging mother is quite an overwhelming and emotional responsibility. I was just glad I could be there for my friend, and of course I will continue to be there for her as her mom goes down this road. So in addition to everything else, this was a week to think about mothers and daughters. I really miss my mom and look forward to seeing her over Christmas.

In any case, it's time to get back at it as I strive to move forward. I am making my own road, people. Look out!

And on a more triumphant note...

...I have turned in my exam questions!

My 6-week and several day process has now come to an end. It's hard to believe, really. I wish I felt happier. Maybe I'm just exhausted, or maybe it won't hit me until my official exam, on October 27. At least I have some time now to get ready for that. I realized while writing my preliminary proposal that I have some kinks to work out... and I hope that's OK since this was my PRELIMINARY proposal. I felt the need to highlight that word for my committee. I don't want them judging my readiness based on the current proposal alone... even though I think they understand, it's always good to make sure. My official proposal defense is the hoop that comes after the A-exam, the final hoop standing between me and my freedom (to do research and other things). I hope to be ready for that in December or January. I think I have a good start here... hopefully my committee will agree, and I am ready to sell it!

So for now I can take a breath. Tomorrow I am just going to go to work and come home like a normal person, which is amazingly exciting! I have a lot to catch up on for work. And then Thursday morning I'll go to work again, and then Thursday afternoon I'll be off to see TMH. It will be great to see him; I miss him more than normal. It's been longer than usual since we've seen each other because I went to a wedding on the weekend that he couldn't attend.

So, I did manage to do it all! I finished my exams (until Oct 27), I went to a wonderful wedding (my grad school friends) and now TMH and I will have some time to relax and talk and maybe even ponder the future this weekend. Whew!