1. Insecurities. They seem to be rearing their heads more and more in the wedding planning process. I am not an event person, but I am excited to be getting married, and I am confident that I will do it in a way that will be true to me. It doesn't matter if others do not like my choices. They are my choices. What matters is that I approve of them. This goes for all my fears about my family as well. I can only control my decisions and my behavior- not what anyone else wants me to do. Of course this is tempered by how much I care about my friends and family, and my fears of alienating them. I just have to go with the confidence that the people who love me will understand. When it comes down to it, it will be great to bring so many important people together. The wedding is going to be wonderful.... and a lot of fun!
2. Worries and Anxieties. This makes me laugh. How many of you think I can do away with my anxiety in 2009? I am known to be a bit of a fretter. Given how much change and uncertainty is already planned for the year, I have a feeling I will have a hard time keeping this under wraps. I know it's not about elimination, though, it's about management. I am prepared to handle everything coming towards me right now. I will do my best to handle it well. Let's face it, the things coming towards me that are scary are all mostly positive things: my dissertation proposal defense and data collection (Clearly essential steps on my PhD path), my move in with TMH (Also clearly essential to my future marriage and plans for happiness. Much of my current stress comes from us living separately. I know moving in will be a big adjustment for both of us, and me moving away from the town that has been my home and a critical part of my life for the past 5 years is no small matter. But it's time.), my wedding (Exciting!), my marriage, leaving my job, changes at work, etc. (How positive some of these things may be is unclear at the moment!)
And in with the new...
1. Confidence. See above. I am prepared to do what I need to do. I am lucky to be doing so many exciting things. I can do it!
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I am in limbo now. It's sort of still vacation time for me, but I need to work this week. I need to work, and see my parents, and manage my stress surrounding my imminent proposal defense. Since I did not get feedback from my advisor until Christmas Eve, I haven't made much progress. The good news is, he had some helpful suggestions and they shouldn't take TOO much time. I am confident that by the end of day tomorrow I will have a decent (updated) draft to send to my committee.
The holidays were nice. First, I got to spend some time with my mom and see some old friends. My mom is doing well, though she is definitely getting older. I have to make myself be patient... I just don't want her to be older. I got to see some good friends, and remember where I come from, if that makes any sense. I think sometimes I forget that there are people who have known me for a LONG time out there. It's nice to be reminded. I ordered my wedding dress, which was actually a big moment when insecurities came out, surprisingly! It somehow wasn't enough for me that I wanted the dress; I got too worried about what others might think. I am excited about the dress! Out with those insecurities! It was the first one I tried on, the first one I loved, the one I had been eyeing for weeks. I think it's me, and it's beautiful.
I also got to spend a full week with TMH. We went on a ski vacation, which was awesome, despite the frigid temperatures. I thought cold was cold until we experienced frostbite warnings and a mostly empty ski resort. If the pros are not willing to brave the temps, it must be bad, right? We did get to do some skiing, and just hang out, though, which was really what we needed to do. It was a nice way to ring in 2009. We also did a bit of wedding planning, which made us feel a bit better, I think. You all know how TMH loves his spreadsheets. At least we are really doing this in a collaborative way. We are both about to get pretty busy with life again, so it's nice to be clear from my project manager ;-) about what aspects of the wedding planning I should focus on when I need to take a break from my work.
So, that's my update for now. I am sitting in TMH's apartment, about to go to the airport to head back to my mom's. I'll work and go see my dad this week (who was just offered a job on the other side of the world. Big news!), and then I'll head back up to my "real" life on the weekend. I can do it! Out with the old, and in with the new, they say. Though let's not forget that some of the old was good. 2008 was a pretty terrific year for me, and I can only expect that 2009 will be as well. But why do the holidays always go by so quickly?! I think that was the cry heard round the country this morning.
Happy 2009, everyone!
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