Obstacles

Or, obstaculos, if you will. Lots have come up in the past few days.

Some take the form of ordinary, annoying things, like going to the dentist. Oh, wait, PMP, why haven't you been to the dentist in the past 2 years? Because I am a poor student. But, haven't you been on vacation and done other things? Yes, but those were important, and I have good teeth. OH. Priorities, right? Now I find out I have 3 small cavities, and the only filling I already had needed to be replaced. CRAP. Why, you might ask? Because I have been grinding my teeth so much that I have worn away enamel and poked holes in them and nearly cracked my tooth with the existing filling. I only vaguely knew I was doing it ( it's a sleep disorder)- TMH told me about it. He does it so badly that he wakes up with bad headaches and had to buy an expensive mouth (oclusion) guard while I smugly listened and tried to be sympathetic and thought about my great teeth. I had no symptoms so I was skeptical of his claims that I grind. HMMM. Good thing I paid a little bit of attention, though, because apparently it's really bad and I've done a lot of damage. I know this is riveting topic, right? But it's symbolic of my week. I suddenly need to get 4 fillings and make plans to get an oclusion guard, right away. Let me just say that I had no wear on my teeth 2 years ago- no evidence of any grinding. What have I been doing for the past 2 years? HMMM. Real proof that grad school is stressful, in case anyone was in doubt. Paying for all of these things is really fun, too.

My trip to the dentist comes as a side benefit of visiting my dad. Coming here brings up lots of issues that I won't go into on this forum. I guess anyone who has an ex-stepfamily should expect issues. Visiting brings up some emotional baggage for me (to say the least) though I wonder whether you can call it baggage when some of it is new. I will say that his 60th birthday was a big success. Yay for that! 60 years ago today, my dad was born in a far away land, in the middle of nowhere, and look at where he ended up. In any case, his story is really amazing, and I am glad I was able to be here for his big day.

There are other obstacles... (most of them about my anxiety for the coming semester as I try to make plans):

• The fact that the professor who said no to being on my committee recently said she wouldn't meet with me next week to go over the proposal I wrote for her class- that sucks (can I take it as a slap in the face?) because I thought of it as the last thing she owed me as my professor... and now she is no longer my professor and I really wanted her input. She seems to have completely washed her hands of me...
• Realizing that no faculty at school would care if I dropped out (my boss would probably be the most upset, because who would do the work?), and worrying about my ability to get 3 professors in a room together, much less come up with a sound, workable project (I think I have the beginnings of one, but how will I know if I don't get any feedback?)....
• Finances as I try to figure out how to pay for the dentist AND new tires (my teeth and my car are both fairly central to my life) as I worry about the long drive I have ahead of me...
• The emotions that come up from being around my family and in my various "homes." (That word home is very confusing, by the way). I think it would be best for me to think of school as my home, but that's hard because it's inherently transient. The fact that TMH lives elsewhere complicates matters, too. Let me just say that spending almost a month away is a real luxury but it's also a bit disorienting and unsettling. More than a bit, at this point.

So, tomorrow I am headed back up north to celebrate TMH's birthday (and I get to see a good friend who understands, thank goodness), and then things will get back to "normal," or however they might be when I get back to school. I will have to do all I can to keep a level head through this transition. As I said before (let me remind myself) 2008 will be a big year so clearly it will not be without challenges.

A is for AMAZING. V is for values voters?

Ok, first off I have to brag a little, and add to my list of accomplishments in 2007. I got all A's last semester! It's a real accomplishment, with taking 4 classes (let's not forget all my drama with statistics) and teaching one. Yay for me!

Secondly, I know I don't usually use this forum to wax political, but I am completely alarmed by what's going on with all the "social conservatives" in the U.S. The phrase "values voters" (can you hear the dripping disdain in my tone?) has really got me riled up. What does value voter really mean, anyway? What values, exactly, are up for consideration here? Does that mean that all of us non-born again, non-evangelical, non religious freaks have no values???? What about values like intelligence and integrity? Do they matter at all? What about that word freedom that everyone has been throwing around lately? What does freedom really mean? What is the future of freedom of speech, freedom of religion (read: freedom to NOT be a religious freak), or separation of church and state in a climate that might consider Huckabee to be a viable presidential candidate? It's scary, I tell you.

To me, value voter is synonomous with hypocrite. H is for HYPOCRITE.

Taking stock...

I am reminded of a line from Grosse Point Blank- "leave your livestock alone." Reunions and new year's as typical occasions to pause and reflect are probably not really necessary for someone like me, who seems to be in a perpetual state of reflection, but I do feel some obligation to mark the transition from 2007 to 2008, both years that I think will go down as big ones in the history of PMP. While I know I've come a long way in 2007 (just look at all the things I did- finishing my first year of coursework, having a hellish summer job and then winning an award at one of the best schools in the country, writing proposals, staying healthy and building my relationship with TMH are among the highlights) I have a feeling that 2007 was still part of the foreword: there is MUCH more to come. I have to look ahead right now, but I also have to live in the moment and be happy with where I am. For perhaps the first time, ever, I feel I can almost (*sigh*) do that.

I am home. One of my homes, I should say. The one where my mother lives. Once again I am sitting in the library that I sat in as a child after school... and once again the same librarian is here. You would think that by now I would have gotten used to the fact that many people tend to stay in the same place and do the same thing for most of their lives, and that's ok. In fact, it's admirable. It is 2008, though, now, and as TMH pointed out, that means we are getting older. Hmm. I think that I felt that way in 2005, and I am guessing I will still feel that way in 2010 and 2015. "Time marches on, and sooner or later you realize it is marching across your face." It's true that in many ways the passage of time is not so important... too bad the other ways are so difficult to ignore.

I am at a bit of a crossroads. My vaciones were wonderful. I really took a break. I even took a break from pondering. It was so refreshing to not even really think about anything for a while. TMH and I had fun in the sun on our beach vacation. We slept and swam (and swam with dolphins!) and ate and drank and forgot about life for almost 5 days. It was awesome. Then we both went back to our respective families to have Christmas, and then we reunited at his place to celebrate the end of 2007 and the beginning of 2008. The second part of our vacation was a little more reflective. We talked about the future, for one thing, and I realized, if I hadn't already, that I really have my work cut out for me in 2008.

I don't want to jinx myself- I hate to put things out there as goals in case they don't happen- but if all goes well 2008 will mark some major milestones for me and my PhD. That's exciting, but also a bit scary. I have A LOT to do. The good news is that TMH seems to be right there with me (figuratively, not literally. It sucks to be back to the distance thing after we were able to spend nearly 2 weeks together, but such is life). This is one reason I am at the library right now. Anxiety was starting to creep in. I need to get back to work, right away! It's time to get focused. Last semester's proposals were a good start, and now I need to move them forward and make them happen.

I don't have to be back at school for another week and a half, and part of me knows that it would be better to be back now so I could get more done, but the other part of me knows that I can work here (being back does not mean I wouldn't still procrastinate), I need to take this time to spend with my mom (who really is getting older- I know I say this every time I am here as well), and if I were back I would be lonely and freezing and wondering why I didn't just stay. So, I am here and happy about it. Next week I am going to see my dad and celebrate his 60th birthday for a couple of days, then I'll be celebrating TMH's birthday in the REALLY big city (not to be confused with his big city of residence) and then I'll be back at school. I just have to make sure that while I'm here I don't waste my time. Today was the day to get back into the mindset of my work, though, and I am doing it, and I am excited about it. So there!

Bring on 2008, with all of its anticipated trials and tribulations, adventures and milestones!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I've taken a much needed break from life (which includes the internet, for sure) but I just wanted to take a minute for a quick update. I am now with TMH in the big city getting ready to celebrate the beginning of 2008. Yay! It's hard to believe how quickly things went after I finished the semester... all that work and stress was over in such a flash.
TMH and I had a FANTASTIC beach vacation, and it was nice to be with my mom for Christmas. I have so many things to update, but I am still in the midst of my vacation so that will all have to wait. I have blissfully not been pondering much lately, and I know that will change all too soon. For now I just want to wish everyone all the best in these final days of 2007. Many people I know have not had the best year (I think all in all it was ok for me...definitely productive and a bit crazy... though I need more time to reflect). In any case, I have a good feeling about what's in store for 2008! My best to all of you in this time for reflection, love and celebration!

JOY TO THE WORLD....

PMP IS DONE!
(with the academic requirements of another semester)

Now, everyone, sing about it! This is the feeling of triumph I have been waiting for. I am thrilled, exhuberant, jubilant (ooh, and I'm thinking of good adjectives)! The best part is, not only is the proposal done, but I am actually excited about it. It was a lot of work... and I thought for a while that it might never get done... but now it's done and I think it's a real accomplishment. Of course it's still a starting point, but it's a good starting point. A starting point with which I feel comfortable. An appropriate starting point for PMP!

Right now I feel like I want to participate in that scene in Dead Poet's Society where they are all playing soccer and trying to express the emotion of Walt Whitman. Or like I want to stand up on my desk and sound my barbaric YAWP! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWP!

Of course there is always more to do, work to finish (for work, not school), etc....but not right now.... today is the day to enjoy, to take some time to appreciate my accomplishments!

And then there was...

one!

My friend Mrs. Bizarro, aka E, just wrote a post called "One down." Yep, I'm one down too. Actually, I'm two down. And I only have one left. Though somehow, similar to E, I am not feeling so happy about it. Maybe because we know we still have more? Maybe because that one that's down wasn't so great? Maybe because finishing wasn't that triumphant, because of the rest of life that continues as these things come and go? In her case it seems a friend was angry with her for being so busy lately. In my case it seems I am upset about what I always get upset about this time of year- my winter break plans.

Ah, you say, what do you have to be upset about? You get to travel here there and everywhere and see important people. That part is true. I am very lucky to have people in my life (and I am VERY excited about my vacation with TMH). I get to see and spend some time with my mom, who seems to be getting older by the minute. I get to see some old friends. I get to see and spend more time with TMH, and of course that's a good thing since we don't even live in the same state. And, of course, I get to see my dad. But what does all this mean? I have to run around hither thither and yon to do it. Despite what you might think, it's not always that much fun. Because, no matter how I do it, I ALWAYS end up feeling guilty or pissing someone off. I should have spent more time here, done something else there... OH wait, I didn't get a chance to see so-and-so. Is ___ going to be mad? This issue is complicated by my aforementioned sadness around Thanksgiving, issues surrounding divorce, etc. Things just aren't the same anymore. This year I made a concerted effort to limit my options and do more of what I want to do (you realize I have spent at least 25 years of my life running around like this. That's ridiculous!) but of course I am still upset. I realize that I just need to take charge, and figure out how NOT to be upset. I know it's up to me to do it, because these external circumstances aren't going to change. A big BLAH to whoever is mad... deal with it. I am doing my best, and I am allowed to have my own life. I know the most important part is for me not to be so hard on myself. I AM getting better at it. Baby steps, every year.

My friend Sunshine Mom was saying that they would just be home- no plans to go anywhere. That sounds absolutely amazing to me. Why? Because the most important people in her life live in her home, in a warm state, where there is usually sunshine no less (that's the other thing- it has been freezing here- and snowing every day). I guess that means I am ready to settle down a bit. Easier said than done. As another friend said recently, "well, hopefully soon you will have other things to worry about so these things won't be so difficult or seem so important." Hopefully soon.

For now I am worried about my last big paper, due on Monday. The good news is that I am really excited about this one- it has good potential to turn into my dissertation. I feel more comfortable with this topic than with the one I finished for Wednesday. One might even say I am passionate about it, which is definitely a good sign when you think about how much work a dissertation will be. But, because it is so value- laden (this is a term from my work) it is taking on more importance than the technical task at hand (this is also from my work. Institutional theory. It will probably form the theoretical framework for my dissertation), therefore making it hard for me to just work on it without getting too overwhelmed. I am excited about it though- even in it's current state I would feel comfortable sharing it with my advisor and I think he would be excited to see that I am making progress. So, yay! Let's just do it. The sooner I develop an appropriate dissertation idea, the sooner everything else in my life will be able to settle down. There I go putting pressure on things again. It will be good. What I have currently is already almost "good enough."

Almost perfect...

... but not quite.

I think Shel Silverstein might have had me in mind when he wrote that poem. Although I just reread it and realized that Mary Hume did not get married because her boyfriend squeezed her too tight. I missed that in my first reading 20 years ago, when such issues weren't so pressing or interesting to me. I think I might have found someone near enough to perfect.... and I am very aware that perfection does not exist on the personal level; everyone just has to try to be good, and we all have our not-so-proud moments. Where I need some help is with my school work. Isn't it possible to write the perfect proposal?

At the moment I am afraid to finish a proposal because I know I could do better with it. So, instead of finishing it, I am looking for any and all ways to avoid it. You would think that my perfectionist self would just keep working on it, put as much energy into it as I possibly can, and then call it good enough. Oh, Sarah McLachlan, where are you? She's the one who said "there's so much more than good enough." Somehow I know in my heart that if I don't put as much effort in as I possibly can, I have an out. If things don't turn out so well, I can always say "well, I didn't put myself into it completely." So, here I am, struggling. Considering that the paper is due tomorrow, and I can really look at it as a starting point for future work, good enough is really all I can do. Isn't it always true that we could have tried harder and done a bit better? The real question is, when is it worth it? (Well, the really real question is whether my potential committee members will think it is good enough).

Sometimes we should keep our expectations high. There IS much more than "good enough" when you are talking about making important life decisions. I don't think it's acceptable for your boyfriend to be good enough. He needs to be pretty amazing. You can and should aim high. But sometimes, like now with me and this paper, good enough is just fine. It's great, actually.

(I'll blog more about my fantastic big city weekend, and all those other things that are still keeping me tired, when I get this damn paper done for real. Good enough, or average, or terrible, or whatever it is, it will be DONE. For now, at least.)