And then there was...

one!

My friend Mrs. Bizarro, aka E, just wrote a post called "One down." Yep, I'm one down too. Actually, I'm two down. And I only have one left. Though somehow, similar to E, I am not feeling so happy about it. Maybe because we know we still have more? Maybe because that one that's down wasn't so great? Maybe because finishing wasn't that triumphant, because of the rest of life that continues as these things come and go? In her case it seems a friend was angry with her for being so busy lately. In my case it seems I am upset about what I always get upset about this time of year- my winter break plans.

Ah, you say, what do you have to be upset about? You get to travel here there and everywhere and see important people. That part is true. I am very lucky to have people in my life (and I am VERY excited about my vacation with TMH). I get to see and spend some time with my mom, who seems to be getting older by the minute. I get to see some old friends. I get to see and spend more time with TMH, and of course that's a good thing since we don't even live in the same state. And, of course, I get to see my dad. But what does all this mean? I have to run around hither thither and yon to do it. Despite what you might think, it's not always that much fun. Because, no matter how I do it, I ALWAYS end up feeling guilty or pissing someone off. I should have spent more time here, done something else there... OH wait, I didn't get a chance to see so-and-so. Is ___ going to be mad? This issue is complicated by my aforementioned sadness around Thanksgiving, issues surrounding divorce, etc. Things just aren't the same anymore. This year I made a concerted effort to limit my options and do more of what I want to do (you realize I have spent at least 25 years of my life running around like this. That's ridiculous!) but of course I am still upset. I realize that I just need to take charge, and figure out how NOT to be upset. I know it's up to me to do it, because these external circumstances aren't going to change. A big BLAH to whoever is mad... deal with it. I am doing my best, and I am allowed to have my own life. I know the most important part is for me not to be so hard on myself. I AM getting better at it. Baby steps, every year.

My friend Sunshine Mom was saying that they would just be home- no plans to go anywhere. That sounds absolutely amazing to me. Why? Because the most important people in her life live in her home, in a warm state, where there is usually sunshine no less (that's the other thing- it has been freezing here- and snowing every day). I guess that means I am ready to settle down a bit. Easier said than done. As another friend said recently, "well, hopefully soon you will have other things to worry about so these things won't be so difficult or seem so important." Hopefully soon.

For now I am worried about my last big paper, due on Monday. The good news is that I am really excited about this one- it has good potential to turn into my dissertation. I feel more comfortable with this topic than with the one I finished for Wednesday. One might even say I am passionate about it, which is definitely a good sign when you think about how much work a dissertation will be. But, because it is so value- laden (this is a term from my work) it is taking on more importance than the technical task at hand (this is also from my work. Institutional theory. It will probably form the theoretical framework for my dissertation), therefore making it hard for me to just work on it without getting too overwhelmed. I am excited about it though- even in it's current state I would feel comfortable sharing it with my advisor and I think he would be excited to see that I am making progress. So, yay! Let's just do it. The sooner I develop an appropriate dissertation idea, the sooner everything else in my life will be able to settle down. There I go putting pressure on things again. It will be good. What I have currently is already almost "good enough."