Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Signed, sealed, delivered
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Just to be clear....
I think making peace with my decision will actually be harder than the decision itself.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Decisions, decisions
In a way this has all been a very positive experience. It's a feather in my cap, really. These kinds of things don't just happen! My boss said that as an administrator she knows she should try to convince me to change my mind, but as my friend and semi-mentor she knows that finishing my degree is the right choice for me. The degree will open many more doors for me (supposedly). If I don't finish now, as my advisor said, he won't bet the farm that I ever will. My boss was very complementary of me and how far I will go. She nearly started crying at one point. These connections will be lasting and helpful for me, thank goodness. I know that no matter what, leaving this place will be hard, but it really may be time to move on, for now. If all goes according to plan, next semester will be my last semester with my program. TMH and I will move in together this summer and I'll write my dissertation. And we'll get married. Oof. 2009 is shaping up to be a big year!
The other positive was that TMH and I had an opportunity to have a concrete discussion about our future plans. I think we both consider this town an option for the future (if all the stars align), but when faced with it right now it doesn't really work for us. Of course the timing is never right on these things. Never. It hit me in a very big way that I am getting married. I'm so used to taking care of myself and being on my own, you know. TMH actually said "when it's just us it makes more sense for us to live in a city." As in, when we want to start having kids perhaps we'll move to a smaller town life. OH MY GOODNESS. I am getting married, people! It's so exciting. TMH's job (assuming he doesn't get laid off) offers enough stability for us to carry me through the transition from writing my dissertation to getting a job, and there are so many universities in his city that I'll just have to be optimistic. That's no small matter. I also think it's good for him to see me with this type of opportunity. We should not take anything for granted.
So the name of the game now is to get my research set up for next semester so that I really can finish. Turning down an opportunity like this actually puts all the more pressure on me to get done! I had a meeting with the dean here this week about my research plans. She couldn't have been more excited. That's the funny thing; every administrator I talk to is excited about my work, and they seem to think that I am in a growth area. So if the economy allows for growth sometime in the future, I'll be all set.
Can I tell you how hard it is to focus on my writing given all of this excitement? I have to finish a good draft of my proposal this week so that I can have my defense in January. I hope to do it during the first week of classes, and since I'd really like to be able to enjoy my Christmas break, I have to get it ready NOW. The more time I give my committee, the better, too, since their approval is really all I need. I can do it, people. I have one more week!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Now if only we had a wheelbarrow, that would be something
I got stuck for a while, and realized (duh) that wasn't doing me any good. I have to at least keep trying to move forward. So now, Thanksgiving has passed, and I have a renewed energy to storm through this project. Renewed energy mixed with panic that there are really only 3 weeks left until I leave for the semester. And that I am really unclear about what will be happening next semester. But I have (almost) 3 weeks to work all that out. Unfortunately a wheelbarrow really won't help me. If only it were that easy...
Thanksgiving was a nice holiday. First off, TMH and I celebrated our three-year dating anniversary. It hit me that I am joining TMH's family. He's joining mine too, of course, but Thanksgiving was a time to think about his. I got to bond a bit with his mother and sister, and I was touched by their excitement about the wedding. Little B, TMH's niece, is cuter than ever. I have to admit that I am very excited to be an aunt. They are already calling me Aunt PMP. That makes me happy. TMH's brother is excited to be the best man in the wedding. So everyone is happy.
It was really tough sending TMH home on Sunday. I have to get back to storming the castle, because we can't live like this for much longer! We're on our third year of distance, and I'm told that married people like to live together. I have to get this done.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Put your head down
The ridiculous thing is that I am in the EDUCATION department. Education. Where it should be known how much you can learn from other people. Where faculty teach courses on social learning theory. It's not like we are scholars studying esoteric things that can only be accomplished by putting your head in a book. Much of education is social. My dissertation is about social and organizational phenomena, for crying out loud (the irony that I am studying graduate school is becoming more and more pronounced). But I should just put my head down.
I got very upset about the meeting. Many of us did. I and several of my friends have been working hard for the past two years to create more community in the department, but it's like we've been hitting a brick wall. One student used a tennis analogy. Of course there is going to be a barrier between grad students and faculty, but can't it be more like a net than a wall? We'd just like to get something back over the net from them. Something. But the wall is there and it's not going anywhere. I have put a lot of effort into it, both as a board member for our student group and just as an active member of the department. I felt like I got slapped in the face.
So at least now the message is clear: I should not have gone to the meeting yesterday. I should have stayed in the library working on my dissertation. I would have gotten more work done and less worked up. I will now officially disengage. What's the point? This meeting was actually prompted by the current dismal economic situation. Our department is in danger of collapse, really, though they are afraid to say as much. We are state-funded, and our state has no money. We all just need to work hard. Talking to each other and engaging socially will not help the cause. Um, ok. So much for educational scholarship.
The past week has been tough. Emotions are running high. We are having February weather. I can't get my advisor to pay attention to me and my work and I really need him now. I have no idea how my work will pan out, next semester is up in the air, and I haven't even made any winter break plans. You know how much I love ambiguity. My job has actually been a bright, but busy, spot. Students are giving me some good feedback (which is particularly exciting considering what a tough class I've had) and I really do appreciate the sense of community that we share.
So, now I really do have to put my head down this weekend and get as much done as possible. TMH is coming late Tuesday night, we are taking Wednesday for ourselves (to celebrate our 3 year dating anniversary!) and then Thursday we are headed to his parents' for Turkey Day. Yay! I am looking forward to making pecan pie and seeing his niece and his family. I am looking forward to a bit of a break. And I just have to do my best to not freak out about future uncertainty at the moment. I just have to put my head down and write... and see what happens.
Friday, November 14, 2008
O to struggle against great odds, to meet enemies undaunted!
I found out this week that I should write three chapters of my dissertation by December 1 if I want to defend my proposal by the end of the semester. The proposal defense is the last hoop standing between me and my research. When my advisor told me, I thought he was kidding. Nope. Apparently these three chapters make up the dissertation proposal. There is a difference between saying "three chapters" and saying "proposal" don't you think? Apparently I have much of the work done from my A-exam papers, so that's good news. Somehow I still feel it's all a bit daunting!
The major issue is that I am struggling to get back into work mode. I need to get back to my A-exam schedule, which has been tough. I think I'm just kind of burned out, though it's way too early for me to be burned out! I have three weeks, basically. I just have to get my mind back into it. I can do it!
Things continue to be a bit off. My friend's mom is still in the hospital, though she seems to be doing better. The first round of lay-offs hit TMH's company, and one of his good friends was let go. That was sad and a bit scary. My work has been unusual and busy. Busy is the norm but I have been busy with unusual things, I guess. TMH and I haven't been able to make any winter break plans because of his schedule and my uncertainty about my proposal. At least we have Thanksgiving plans set. We are both looking forward to going to TMH's parents' house. All of his siblings will be home, and of course the big draw is my future niece. She's super cute and growing up quickly! We are both excited about that trip, at least.
In other good news we have started planning a bit more for the wedding. I am getting excited about bringing my close friends and family together. We may win a prize for the number of people who come from far away for our big day. I am especially touched because my cousin M in Australia is so excited to be a part of the wedding. My relationship with her really means a lot to me. In any case, it's nice to have such a happy occasion to distract me.
But for now I am sitting in TMH's apartment (so good to have gotten away from the craziness at school and to see him again!) with a day of writing ahead of me, feeling a bit daunted. Wish me luck!
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Alice Walker's Letter to the President-Elect
Nov. 5, 2008
Dear Brother Obama,
You have no idea, really, of how profound this moment is for us. Us being the black people of the Southern United States. You think you know, because you are thoughtful, and you have studied our history. But seeing you deliver the torch so many others before you carried, year after year, decade after decade, century after century, only to be struck down before igniting the flame of justice and of law, is almost more than the heart can bear. And yet, this observation is not intended to burden you, for you are of a different time, and, indeed, because of all the relay runners before you, North America is a different place. It is really only to say: Well done. We knew, through all the generations, that you were with us, in us, the best of the spirit of Africa and of the Americas. Knowing this, that you would actually appear, someday, was part of our strength. Seeing you take your rightful place, based solely on your wisdom, stamina and character, is a balm for the weary warriors of hope, previously only sung about.
I would advise you to remember that you did not create the disaster that the world is experiencing, and you alone are not responsible for bringing the world back to balance. A primary responsibility that you do have, however, is to cultivate happiness in your own life. To make a schedule that permits sufficient time of rest and play with your gorgeous wife and lovely daughters. And so on. One gathers that your family is large. We are used to seeing men in the White House soon become juiceless and as white-haired as the building; we notice their wives and children looking strained and stressed. They soon have smiles so lacking in joy that they remind us of scissors. This is no way to lead. Nor does your family deserve this fate. One way of thinking about all this is: It is so bad now that there is no excuse not to relax. From your happy, relaxed state, you can model real success, which is all that so many people in the world really want. They may buy endless cars and houses and furs and gobble up all the attention and space they can manage, or barely manage, but this is because it is not yet clear to them that success is truly an inside job. That it is within the reach of almost everyone.
I would further advise you not to take on other people's enemies. Most damage that others do to us is out of fear, humiliation and pain. Those feelings occur in all of us, not just in those of us who profess a certain religious or racial devotion. We must learn actually not to have enemies, but only confused adversaries who are ourselves in disguise. It is understood by all that you are commander in chief of the United States and are sworn to protect our beloved country; this we understand, completely. However, as my mother used to say, quoting a Bible with which I often fought, "hate the sin, but love the sinner." There must be no more crushing of whole communities, no more torture, no more dehumanizing as a means of ruling a people's spirit. This has already happened to people of color, poor people, women, children. We see where this leads, where it has led.
A good model of how to "work with the enemy" internally is presented by the Dalai Lama, in his endless caretaking of his soul as he confronts the Chinese government that invaded Tibet. Because, finally, it is the soul that must be preserved, if one is to remain a credible leader. All else might be lost; but when the soul dies, the connection to earth, to peoples, to animals, to rivers, to mountain ranges, purple and majestic, also dies. And your smile, with which we watch you do gracious battle with unjust characterizations, distortions and lies, is that expression of healthy self-worth, spirit and soul, that, kept happy and free and relaxed, can find an answering smile in all of us, lighting our way, and brightening the world.
We are the ones we have been waiting for.
In Peace and Joy,
Alice Walker
© 2008, Alice Walker