So, I'm winning now. I finished my chapter. I. FINISHED. MY. CHAPTER. I finally put an end to the torture. I'm being optimistic and just giving the dissertation two points here... one is the concluding chapter, and the other is revisions (which likely deserve more points). I have 6 points because I have now written 6 chapters.
Now I just have to get revisions. I have technically written all but the conclusion, but the revisions could be anything from not-too-much to major, so we'll see. I need to wait for feedback, which brings me back to the usual worries about getting feedback. We'll see... maybe this time it will be different. Most importantly, I am doing what I can do.
So things are proceeding according to plan. It's been a good week. I finished my chapter, took an official day off with a girlfriend and went to the outlets and to the beach (could there be a better way to spend a day?) Now it's the weekend, next week I am hoping to meet my advisor, then next Friday I have a meeting with the big wig deans to debrief my year at the University here (we'll see if they say anything interesting about next year, but I am not holding my breath), and then on Saturday TMH and I are going on our annual vacation to see my mom and go to the beach. I can't wait. Can't wait, can't wait! And now I am in a good place to enjoy the break. Once we get back, I can work on whatever feedback I get in the 1.5 weeks I have before summer school starts. See, things are ticking over, as my mother would say. I turned another corner.
I know, it's been a while since my last post. What have I been doing? Torturing myself. I know I am being dramatic, but seriously.
My stomach hurts all the time now because I am not getting my chapter done. I am making slow progress, but I just need to get the damn thing done before it kills me. I am annoyed because I feel like I should be done with it already, which is not a productive way of looking at it. Look forward, don't look back. Be where you are. Yada yada yada. I am frustrated for the usual reasons- no response from my advisor about the other two chapters I have given him in the past two months being the main issue, and no response to reminders about it, and my plans to visit again to deal with these three chapters total. Was I born to be a nag? I feel like it. There is nothing I hate more than being a freaking nag, but I am one. As an aside, do men get called nags? If they repeatedly ask for what they need, do people accuse them of nagging? I don't think so. So maybe that's my problem; I have to stop thinking of myself as a nag and start thinking of myself as someone who deserves to get what I need. I just want to scream. Scream scream scream. Maybe that will help.
My stomach also hurts because I think I have some deep-seated insecurity that the work I am doing is not good enough. That I am a fraud, or something. That I have been wasting my life away not getting this done. For crying out loud, I am supposed to be happy now. I am in a good place in my life. I think it's the persistent fear that even when I finish this damn thing I won't get the job that I want. I passed up opportunities in the past to be here, and what if it doesn't pay off? I have never passed up opportunities before, and it scares the crap out of me. I know, I know, again not a productive way to think but you can see where it would happen on my downward spiral. There are no guarantees. Everything has always worked out in the past so I am sure it will continue to work out, but at the same time I have started to make decisions differently in my life now, so some things are not going to be the same. I wouldn't up and move to Missouri, for example, like I did in the past. But at the same time, I feel like I did my time, I shouldn't HAVE to do that. But anyone in academia knows that a degree in no way guarantees a job, much less the job you want in the place you want it to be. Oh, my stomach hurts. What was I thinking?
So, did you miss me? The whiny me, that is? I had been making great strides at being happy and projecting a positive image (and that me is still here, I promise, she'll come back tomorrow) but this deep-seated fear is still at the core of my being. It reminds me of an article I read recently, that another female friend had posted online:
We women are just too tough on ourselves. That's it. Plain and simple. I need to give myself a freaking break.
My life is good, I found love, I am not alone (though I still need to get some kind of life for myself here; that is one thing I can do. I need girlfriends and more people to talk to, for goodness sake, and not snotty people who I have to work on liking) and I am working on something I care about and I believe in. Jesus, what is wrong with me? I should be the happiest eggplant around.
So here we are. In good news, I finished the semester since my last post and it was a huge success. A huge success! I have a great story to tell. Unfortunately (sorry the news couldn't stay good for long), they still don't know what they are doing in the future. No clue. Complete and total chaos. I feel bad for the students. One of the best universities in the country and they can't provide clear, integrated services for their students. Sad, sad. And this is the field that I chose. What does that say about how much people care about it? I think from the start I was destined to be in fields that people don't think are important so I could work to change their minds and help them begin to value and understand what they should already. Maybe I am just getting a little tired of doing that, a little tired of defending myself. And clearly on some days, I just can't do it. But I have to. I have to give myself a break, and then go back to fighting the good fight. I'll get right on that.
If you haven't read The Power of One yet, put it on your list. It has it all. A coming of age story, a history lesson on South Africa seen through the eyes of an intelligent little boy, and an inspirational message. Little can beat big.
I can beat my dissertation. I can. I have been on a roll this week, and I am doing what I can to keep it going. Technically, I have two chapters left. That's good. One more big analysis chapter and the conclusion. And whatever revisions I get from my apathetic committee members, of course. I am starting to think that I can do it. I figure the more people I tell, the more I will have to do it. I won't be able to show my face on this blog again if I don't follow through, right?
I am also happy because TMH and I have rearranged our space. I know, it's the little things, right? It sounds minor but it's huge to me. Well, he moved in first (almost a year ago!) and the living room has kind of been stuck ever since. I didn't realize how much it was bothering me until I was trying to clean yesterday and TMH was like "why are you cursing?" Somehow that got the ball rolling. We got stuck because it was his furniture, and the space is small so it was hard to envision other alternatives. His furniture is really too big for the space, but some creativity (and persuasion) on my part... and voila... a new space. I am so, so happy with it. He is too. It feels more like our space now. You know, these things take time, and I feel like things are slowly but surely coming together for us here. It's such a good feeling.
I have two more weeks of teaching ahead, and then that's it. The end of the semester... the end of another academic year of my life! For a while I was feeling really discouraged. For the first time in my career I have dedicated myself to a cause for a full year with relatively nothing to show for myself at the end. Despite the overwhelming success of the program, and the clear need for it, my future at the school and the future of the program are both uncertain. Sad, right? TMH helped me to think about it differently. I have worked to build a program there for the past year, and they will either figure out how to continue to fund it, and make it legitimate (not pilot) or not... I can sell my story to anyone willing to listen. I can build a program. If it doesn't work out at this school, it's because of funding, and politics, and the dinosaur-like tendencies of big universities. Slow to change is an understatement. Anyone there will back me up; I have also made some valuable contacts. So, I have a good story to tell, as well as a clear CV booster. Score another one for TMH- he's my confidence man. I've learned it's good to have one of those around.
I do know that I will be teaching in the crazy summer school program again, so I am set until mid-August. My goal now is to get as much work done as possible before summer school because once that starts (mid- June) I won't have time for much else. So, by August, anything is possible! I do not think the book has closed on the program I've been working on... but we shall see. You never know what opportunities will present themselves.
Well, things have been moving along. They've been busy, busy, busy to be honest, which is no excuse but helps to explain why it's been almost a month since my last post. I am happy to put March behind me, for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the weather! It was a stressful but mostly successful month... in no particular order:
1. I went home to see my mom and try to help her start cleaning out her house. That was mostly good... because she is doing much better than she was over Christmas. Because she is doing better she is less enthused about moving out of the house, though, so there's been a bit of a stall in that process. It helped, though- at least now I know the current situation a bit better. Mum and Gemi are mostly happy and good which is all I can hope for. While home I got to see a good friend before her great trek West. I was really happy about that too.
2. I presented part of my dissertation at a big conference. It was a big stress, but in the end it turned out really well. It was nice to see people again... all my old coworkers and friends from my professional group. I planned a social event/dinner which was mostly successful. Mostly. I am glad to be done with that! I have definitely done my service to this group and I am looking forward to having a less active role in the future. Well, let's just say I am planning to take a break from having such an active role.
3. The conference reminded me that time is passing, though, and my plans for future are still up in the air. Friends are getting jobs and things and I know I will have to figure out what works for me based on my progress. My current job looks like it will continue for the time being and may be moving toward a more full-fledged situation. Key word there is MAY. We'll see. It was busy trying to keep all the work going smoothly this month given everything else that was going on, but I mostly managed! My classes seem to be successful and I think people are noticing how much I put into them. All of this may (or may not) have a bearing on my future at this university. We'll see. I'm tired of saying "we'll see" but at the same time I realize that it's good to have possibilities and hope...
4. I finished Chapter 4 of my dissertation. Whew. That was a big push. Way more difficult than it should have been. Just three more chapters to go!
The undercurrent then, is anxiety. Is everything going OK? Am I doing enough? What's going to happen? Just a nice little dose of it! Keeping things moving along, keeping me on my toes, keeping me ready for the next thing. You know.
I am excited about April. Here are my hopes for the coming month:
1. Finish Chapter 6. Somehow I have to do that before Chapter 5. Maybe I'll even get a good amount of Ch. 5 done, too...
2. Enjoy some warmer weather. It has been raining, raining, raining here. We need to see the sun!
Tonight we are going to visit TMH's family for Easter. I am so looking forward to it. TMH has been working really long hours and I am so glad he has a day off. Easter with his folks has become a bit of a tradition for us and I have realized how much more fun it is now with our little niece. Egg hunts and egg dying and all that fun stuff! Bring on April.
Legendary awesomeness, of course. As you can see, How I Met Your Mother is still my favorite show, for one. It makes me happy on a Monday night. TMH likes it too, even though he likes to make fun of how much I like it.
He was also amused by how much I enjoyed the Oscars this year. Somehow they make me cry every time. I was particularly excited for Sandra. I do love her. I love Jeff Bridges, too. It was my first year not having girls over to watch with me in quite some time... but it wasn't good timing and in the end I was glad I could just sit here and cry for Sandy in my PJs.
Sunday I came back from a short weekend visit to my former home. I met my advisor and make some more progress. It was a good visit...great to be back and see friends and such things. I still have my work cut out for me, but I think I might be getting closer and things might be getting clearer. If this were easy, everyone would do it, right?
So, I am still writing and still teaching (my students this semester are awesome!) and still trying to do all the things I set out to do this year, of course. Busy, busy.
This weekend I am headed down to visit my mom and my cat. I hope to see that she is doing well; she sounds good on the phone but I never really know until I see the house. After the initial concern when she cracked her hip, her condition has improved and now she seems to feel less urgency to get out of the house. My mom has always done things in her own time. I need to take a big patience pill before I head down there. All I can do is make suggestions, right? I am looking forward to spending some time with her, and with Gemi, of course. Ninja cat, as a friend lovingly dubbed her, has been living it up with Mum in her over-sized house so we've definitely noticed a void (and a calmness, I must admit) in the apartment.
I also have a big conference presentation coming up towards the end of the month, so I am getting excited about that. Talking about my work is so much fun. Just being back with my grad school friends on the weekend made me realize how much I just need to talk through what I am doing. It is so helpful. This conference is a big deal, because I am presenting my work, organizing a social event for our professional group, AND potentially seeing what other employment opportunities may exist for me. Big times.
So, you see March isn't dull! The days are getting longer, and the weather is starting to show a hint of spring, which also makes me want to throw away everything in my closet. I have to control myself! Bring on the spring.
When I got a job in Missouri in 2002, upon completion of my Master's degree, I didn't know what I was in for. My first question: "wait, where is that again?" My friends and family had similar responses (except for the random coincidence that an old friend just happened to be in St. Louis then- what luck). Despite my initial misgivings, it was a great job (one might call it a stepping stone) and a good place for me. A transitional place in many ways, it was also a good thing when I moved away... but that's not today's story.
I learned a lot in my time there and made two very good friends. Tragically, one of them, my great friend and Missouri roommate, died last year after a long illness. It's still hard for me to think about what happened to her. At the age of 27, two days after asking me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, she collapsed in the grocery store as the result of a fluke heart condition. I imagine her still over there in Missouri sometimes, as if we had just fallen out of touch.
Emily and I lived together in 2001-2002 and had a fantastic time. She taught me about cats, and about what it's like to be from MidMo. We were the best kind of roommates, really. Perhaps most trivially, though strangely importantly, she taught me about bourbon slush. I didn't feel I could continue to share her slush recipe without telling more of her story. Now, for those of you who are unaware, bourbon slush is a Missouri tradition. In Emily's family it was a Christmas treat. Those of you who have had the good fortune to sample bourbon slush may be tempted to drink it at other times. I encourage you to enjoy your bourbon slush responsibly; if you want to make it at other times at least make it a special occasion!
How to prepare:
1 can frozen orange juice (from concentrate, melted) 2 cans frozen lemonade 1.5 OJ cans bourbon (now is NOT the time to bust out the good bourbon. I find Evan Williams works well) 1.5 cans hot tea (brewed to be quite strong) water to taste
So, you mix all the ingredients in a big plastic pitcher. Then you put it in the freezer overnight to let it freeze. One of the best things about bourbon slush is the consistency. (It's frozen in a way that you could never achieve with ice and a blender).
Now comes the fun part! Taste it. You'll find you need a spoon at first. If it's too strong (either OJ strong- that's a lot of concentrate, right?- or bourbon strong) you should add water or more tea. I have been working on perfecting my recipe, and I find I always end up adding both water and tea, and then maybe a bit more bourbon. Look out... it really packs a punch.
Over the years I have made the slush many times, for both family and friends, and I will say it's always a crowd-pleaser.... and people always want to know more about it. I made it this weekend for a party... me and TMH's first party together as a married couple (part housewarming, part "we got married," part "we just need to have a party because it's February") and it was a huge hit. As I continue my quest to perfect it, I think about my friend Emily. This is hardly enough of a tribute to her, but I think she would be happy to know how many people (particularly Yankees) have learned about and appreciated her Missouri family tradition through my efforts. May the love of the slush continue to spread. Enjoy!
Can I learn to do this? Many people in my life seem to be good at it. It's the "that's not important now, I'll worry about that later" strategy.
I have never been good at this. One little problem can set off my whole day/week and affect almost every aspect of my life. I will say I've gotten better over the years, but depending on what happens my progress may go out the window. That doesn't go well with trying to spend certain hours of my energy here and certain hours of my energy there. The time I am supposed to spend on one task can easily be encroached upon by the emotions I have about another task. Therefore, my schedule doesn't work as well as I would like.
To cut to the chase, my dissertation gets the short shrift at the expense of the emotions I have about what is meant to be my secondary priority, my teaching/program development role at "the best university in the world." UGH.
In fact, right now is my dissertation time, and what am I doing? Venting about work, which is the exact opposite of what I am supposed to be doing. Bad PMP! Take your lessons from others in your life who are more efficient. This all just means I am frustrated with my "job." It is frustrating. The person I work for is frustrating. The way I get paid (or not) is frustrating. It's just a pain. A pain that is supposed to be worth it. Time will tell, but I do realize that the learning experience is worth it. No one ever said a learning experience is supposed to be fun, and almost anything in your life that doesn't go very well can be deemed a learning experience, right? Don't get me wrong, I am learning a lot. A LOT. But it's not a lot of fun and there is a lot to juggle and a lot of minefields to navigate and I have very little power. I know you think I am exagerrating. I know you do! But I will point to the crazy woman on TV who just shot a bunch of people because she didn't get tenure. Grad school/academe is high stakes shit and I am right in the middle of it. Most people don't know much about the system. The more I know about it, the more I am in awe, really. I have seen a lot in my approximately 10 years of working with grad students, and this place is no exception.
I know why it happens. The dissertation is about me and only me, and the job involves me getting along with/dealing with a lot of people. There is much more to brood about and think about and worry about when trying to get along with people, right? Especially people who may or may not be crazy.
So, I have decided to change my approach a bit. I am going to do my best to try to put my 20 hours in to this job, and that's it. I am going to do the best job I can in those 20 hours. I am going to try to stop thinking about "what might be" at this job. At this point, they will either decide they want to hire me and find the money to do so, or they won't. I have no control there. I know one of the reasons that I am good at my work is because I do care, and I do get emotional, and I do think a lot about it, but I have to find a way to pull back on that a bit. In fact, if they get more of a sense that I am looking at other options and just looking at this as a short term gig, I might be better off. I am also going to try to get out of this experience at the end of the semester with as little stress as possible. I will finish my degree and then see what job option makes the most sense for me. Plain and simple.
And on that note, let me get back to writing my dissertation-- AKA my number one priority!
