Torture

I know, it's been a while since my last post. What have I been doing? Torturing myself. I know I am being dramatic, but seriously.

My stomach hurts all the time now because I am not getting my chapter done. I am making slow progress, but I just need to get the damn thing done before it kills me. I am annoyed because I feel like I should be done with it already, which is not a productive way of looking at it. Look forward, don't look back. Be where you are. Yada yada yada. I am frustrated for the usual reasons- no response from my advisor about the other two chapters I have given him in the past two months being the main issue, and no response to reminders about it, and my plans to visit again to deal with these three chapters total. Was I born to be a nag? I feel like it. There is nothing I hate more than being a freaking nag, but I am one. As an aside, do men get called nags? If they repeatedly ask for what they need, do people accuse them of nagging? I don't think so. So maybe that's my problem; I have to stop thinking of myself as a nag and start thinking of myself as someone who deserves to get what I need. I just want to scream. Scream scream scream. Maybe that will help.

My stomach also hurts because I think I have some deep-seated insecurity that the work I am doing is not good enough. That I am a fraud, or something. That I have been wasting my life away not getting this done. For crying out loud, I am supposed to be happy now. I am in a good place in my life. I think it's the persistent fear that even when I finish this damn thing I won't get the job that I want. I passed up opportunities in the past to be here, and what if it doesn't pay off? I have never passed up opportunities before, and it scares the crap out of me. I know, I know, again not a productive way to think but you can see where it would happen on my downward spiral. There are no guarantees. Everything has always worked out in the past so I am sure it will continue to work out, but at the same time I have started to make decisions differently in my life now, so some things are not going to be the same. I wouldn't up and move to Missouri, for example, like I did in the past. But at the same time, I feel like I did my time, I shouldn't HAVE to do that. But anyone in academia knows that a degree in no way guarantees a job, much less the job you want in the place you want it to be. Oh, my stomach hurts. What was I thinking?

So, did you miss me? The whiny me, that is? I had been making great strides at being happy and projecting a positive image (and that me is still here, I promise, she'll come back tomorrow) but this deep-seated fear is still at the core of my being. It reminds me of an article I read recently, that another female friend had posted online:

Lighten up on yourself to have a better life

We women are just too tough on ourselves. That's it. Plain and simple. I need to give myself a freaking break.

My life is good, I found love, I am not alone (though I still need to get some kind of life for myself here; that is one thing I can do. I need girlfriends and more people to talk to, for goodness sake, and not snotty people who I have to work on liking) and I am working on something I care about and I believe in. Jesus, what is wrong with me? I should be the happiest eggplant around.

So here we are. In good news, I finished the semester since my last post and it was a huge success. A huge success! I have a great story to tell. Unfortunately (sorry the news couldn't stay good for long), they still don't know what they are doing in the future. No clue. Complete and total chaos. I feel bad for the students. One of the best universities in the country and they can't provide clear, integrated services for their students. Sad, sad. And this is the field that I chose. What does that say about how much people care about it? I think from the start I was destined to be in fields that people don't think are important so I could work to change their minds and help them begin to value and understand what they should already. Maybe I am just getting a little tired of doing that, a little tired of defending myself. And clearly on some days, I just can't do it. But I have to. I have to give myself a break, and then go back to fighting the good fight. I'll get right on that.