Anxiety

Well, I might as well just be clear and call it what it is. I am not doing well. I am not so sure why. Well, I do know why, but I don't know why it's such a big deal. I can see outside of the situation- and I can realize that it's all pretty absurd- but somehow I can't bring myself out of it.

One reason is that I have conflict in my classroom, in the form of a difficult student. It is affecting me way more than it should. I know I just have to reassert my power as the instructor, but I don't like doing that. When you have good students you don't have to do that. Given that my class is based on active participation of the students, it doesn't work to yell at them and then expect them to actively participate. The other reason is that organizational issues-the program and its relationship with the students' department- have put me in a bad spot. Damn university inefficiency. They really should have a problem with the policy, the department, and the way the system is set up. That's not very tangible though, right? It's much easier to just blame me.

I am annoyed that I spend so much of my time worrying about the situation. I know it doesn't do any good. I need to learn how to handle these kinds of situations better and not take everything so personally. Of course it is natural to want students to like you and be happy, but I know it's not really the point of teaching. I also know that I am doing my job, and I am doing my best. Why isn't that enough? And what do I do about this feeling of dread I have about teaching tomorrow?

I saw an old friend last night, and we went out and had fun, but I drank too much, as I sometimes do when I am stressed. Now I just feel worse. I need to find a way to shift my attitude so the rest of the summer session isn't just torture. I think this is also coming at a time when I have other things on my mind. I am thinking about my relationship with TMH, I am thinking about how I have to get myself together to finish my year of coursework back at school, how I need to get going on my research, etc. I am missing my mom and my cat. I am just being a big whiner, really. I am even annoying myself. I just want to snap out of it already, but it seems there is nothing I can do but try, and keep working through stuff. Being a grown up pretty much sucks.

For now, I'm going to go for a run. That usually helps.