I know it's been a while. I'm still alive, just alternately busy and exhausted. It's hard to believe that summer school is at midterm already! 4 weeks down, and 4 to go. I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. In a way it's nice to be making progress. On the other hand, that means there's only one month left of summer! One month until I have to really start thinking about exams. One month until I have to go back to my "real" life and the bubble world of summer bursts. I know that no matter what I do I will freak out in the fall: there is just too much uncertainty headed my way. What will happen in the spring? Will I finish and pass my exams? What about funding? What about moving? Why don't I have official permission to do my research, YET? All of these questions are looming in the back of my mind as my days are overwhelmed by the minutiae of summer school. I know it's minutiae, but it's still my life right now. A little bubble of my life.
TMH said something about his pillows last night, and it totally put my over the edge. Why? He's right, they are his pillows. They aren't mine. I can live here for 8 weeks and sleep on the pillows, and wash the sheets, and clean the apartment, but they're still his pillows. It's like when I was little, I could stay with my dad for three months and live in a room, but it wasn't my room. OK. Why does it bother me so much? I am not sure. I just wonder why he has to say they are his pillows. Couldn't he use a more neutral modifier? The pillows, for example?
So you see I'm in a bit of a spot at the moment. But I need to enjoy the rest of my bubble life. It's the rest of summer, after all. And mostly, life is good. The big unanswerable questions will have their time. Soon enough I'll be back to all my stuff. My pillows. My cat. My apartment. My own personal anxiety. And then I'll wonder when I can get back here, and when and how my stuff and his stuff might become ours. For now, I just have to keep trying to move forward and try not to be too affected by the transient nature of my life.
1 comment:
I hate transience. I've been living with it as a major theme of my life for decades, now, and it is not any easier than when I was 10.
But I guess I am more adaptive than I once was - as you are, I'm sure.
It's like riding the Scrambler. Eventually after enough times riding it, you figure out where to sit so that you don't get squished as bad, and although you still get squished, it's tolerable.
I have no idea if that metaphor even fits. I just wanted to say "Scrambler," truth be told.
:-D
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