Grumpy butt

Yep, that's me. Grumpy and whiney and cynical and in other ways feeling pretty unpleasant, which makes TMH's sort-of term of endearment particularly appropriate today.

Just what you were looking for, right? Complaints from PMP. Oh well. Sometimes it can't be helped. Look at me using passive voice. If I were teaching myself I would say "who can't help it?" Oh, ok, ok, sometimes I can't help it. How hard is it to just decide to be in a good mood, and be in a good mood? Well, sometimes it's hard.

I actually wrote the title of this post many hours ago. I have spent all afternoon working, on my teacher work and my student work, and I feel a little better than I did when I started. Except that I have been working ALL DAY LONG and have so much more to do. Why am I grumpy, though?

1. My students' papers are frustrating. Some don't make any sense still, after five weeks. Ugh. Some are just annoying because they are careless and lazy. Use spell check, or I won't read your paper. Really. Some don't listen or know how to follow directions. No, you can't just choose any random topic and go on at length about it without following any specific format. You just can't. ARGH. I just wrote out the guidelines of the assignment for my own benefit; don't bother to read them. My students are supposed to be ADVANCED, as they are soon to become full-fledged students in a very prestigious program. They will probably all graduate and make way more money than I do and wonder why I got so worked up about how to write a proper introduction to an academic essay. What I am teaching them probably won't matter at all. They'll get through, regardless. Why? Because they're cash cows for the university. I hate to say it, but it's true. Just let them come and let them pay and let them slide through without mastering basic skills that "good" students learned in high school. Why not? Who cares? I am one of a small handfull, I think. Of course, some students do care and they do learn a lot and they are eternally grateful. Some. I met up with a few of my former students the other night, and was saddened to see that one of them was WAY worse at communicating in English than he was last year. After a year here in the U.S., he is worse than he was at the end of an 8-week summer program. How is that possible? (And he's talking to ME, mind you. At this point I can understand almost anything that even barely approaches something like English). He spoke Korean all year. His company is sponsoring him (hello, cash cow... completely free money for the university) and he has to go back to Korea when he's done. He seems to have no incentive to improve, and apparently his incomprehensibility has had no effect on his grades, and he has not been asked to do anything about it. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. WTF? At least you can see I am getting some good fuel for my research.

2. I am currently tired of my role as a peacemaker. I do it in almost every aspect of my life. With friends, with family, with partner teachers and coworkers, with TMH. Don't let anyone ELSE get mad. Don't worry, PMP won't mind. PMP doesn't mind anything. Nope, I don't mind at all. I'm soooooooooooooo accomodating. Don't push me too far, though, or it'll be no more Ms. Nice PMP, which will be unpleasant for everyone. The trouble is, that would be super unpleasant for ME, too. So you see, I can't win.

That's enough of my grumpy butt. I am clearly just feeling unappreciated on all fronts. I'll try to turn it around. I am happy that I am getting fired up about my research. I am happy that I finally got approval to do it! Official, honest-to-goodness approval with a real certicate and everything, from this university and my home university. It's looking like it's going to be a comparative study. At least I care about it. It's not a good idea to start a project that you're not passionate about... so I have that part covered.

In terms of issue #2 I don't know what to say. I don't want to worry about it right now. Someone has to be the one that gets along. As my partner teacher said on Friday, "we couldn't all be like me." Um, no, that wouldn't work. It's just frustrating that I am always the one who has to get along. I guess that's why I am such an asset, right? It's a GOOD thing about me. Just an under-appreciated thing.

I know a lot of my grumpiness is also related to my general stress level about life and the uncertainty that lies ahead. I have A LOT of uncertainty ahead, and times of change, and stress and such things just lurking around the corner called summer school. And I'll just have to deal with it. And I will. And it will all be fine, one way or another, though for sure it is going to be painful at times. I know it will. Ugh. And it will be a popular topic on this blog for many months to come, I fear. I apologize in advance.

For now, let me pat myself on the back for getting research approval, and for being a good teacher, a good listener, and someone who cares. And for getting through five weeks of summer school! Time to put away the computer and try to enjoy my Sunday evening (the Sox better do better tonight. Really!)