Roadblocks

I can't even really bring myself to write this post.

I can't really bring myself to do anything at the moment.

I feel stuck. Do you know that feeling? Like when you could spend 3 hours at Target because it seems easier than coming home? Because coming home means moving forward and you don't know how to move forward? It's some kind of indecision or feeling of powerlessness or inertia or something.

I went with my boss to see TMH this weekend. She was generous enough to invite me to a meeting with her counterparts at all the schools in the region in which TMH lives. I met the real big wigs, you know. I knew most of them already, but this was a chance for me to schmooze (oh, I mean participate) in a day-long meeting. It was really great. I got to talk to people at universities that might employ me in the future. One woman at a top school joked that she wanted to hire me when I finish my degree. I felt confident and happy. I earned my dues to get included in the meeting. My boss is really looking out for me at this point, which is such a nice feeling. So we had the meeting all day Friday, and then I got to see TMH and my boss went to visit family and we met up today to drive back to reality. All in all, it was a pretty ideal weekend.

So, what's the trouble, PMP?
I talked to the woman at the school where I hoped to do my research. I mean, where I planned to do my research. I have been in touch with her frequently over the past year or so. She helped me get my job last summer (that I will have again this summer). She basically told me that I could not do my proposed research. She said that it wasn't turning out well (the program/policy I want to investigate), and my research would expose disaster. She said it was way worse than I thought... way worse than anyone expected. (The best stories always go untold, right?) Of course it is tough to get permission to do research that would expose disaster. So I need to think about Plan B. I mean, come up with Plan B. My whole schedule is based on my plans to do my original project. My priority now is to come up with something that will keep my committee happy and keep me on schedule. I am trying not to beat myself up. You might ask why I have gotten so far in the planning of a project that I was not sure I could do. In my defense, I had every reason to believe that I could do it. AND, this one conversation also doesn't mean that I can't. It's just discouraging. Clearly I was hoping for another conversation. Just when things seemed to be going so well, right? I should have known it wouldn't be so easy.

So, now, what do I do? I have to move forward. I have to meet with my advisor. I need to be open with him but at the same time he needs to know that I will not be delayed. I will work something out. I need to finish my papers for my courses this semester. I need to finish up my work-work. I need to not freak out.

But right now I just want to quit. I mean, I do, but I know I really don't. I know that life could be much easier than it is now. I could be living with TMH, enjoying life. We had such a great weekend together again. I am doing all this work for what, again? Oh, right. That career that I wanted. That job that I want. BLAH. I know I will get through this, but right now it seems pretty ridiculous. At least I know I have 8 weeks with TMH this summer. The name of the game now is coming up with the easiest and most efficient way to stay on schedule and move forward. I just have to make sure that I really set up everything else..... I mean REALLY... so that I can stay on my schedule. I will not be derailed! I mean, I hope not. Sigh.