I can't sleep

Lest you think I spend all my time these days pondering unsolvables and making broad sweeping generalizations that you may or may not find offensive, here's a post that hearkens back to my usual blog fare.

I think I'm going a little bit crazy. I am in between semesters right now, so I am not working. I have a few people I talk to regularly, and I am trying to make sure I talk to them and that I don't become a complete scary hermit. Otherwise I talk to myself and I don't say very nice things. I am trying to keep myself on a routine so that I get something done. I joined a gym, which is really exciting (for the first time in YEARS, it has a pool, even, and I am loving it!) so I am also using that to schedule my life and make sure I get out of the apartment. After all, before I know it I will be teaching again, and then I won't have that much time, and after all I am ALMOST done with my f@&^* dissertation so why don't I just finish it? The problem is, I am pretty sure I will be teaching again, but if I think about it too much I can psych myself out; in fact nothing has been confirmed, per se. The class is being referred to as "PMP's class" at this school, I have had the offer of some office space, but still no official job nor any official word. Frustrating. I know it's coming, but seriously, it's annoying. It's getting down to the wire.

I tell myself to take advantage of this limbo state. It's a gift. And I know, it is a gift. It is time to get something (and we all know what thing) done. Because I don't have an official job, worrying about what's going on at that school is not my job. I know this. Believe me people, I know this. Soon it will be official and I'll complain about that. I know! Then I tell myself that the reason I'm in this situation is that I didn't create any other options for myself, and the reason I didn't is because: 1) what's going on at this university is intriguing (and totally what my work-dissertation work- is all about, good and bad) and I just have to see what happens, even if it's ill-advised (and I don't think it is, at the least I will come out of it with a great story and learning experience), and 2) I have to finish my dissertation. Right.

In one breath I can say I am tired of living this way, I just need to finish this freaking thing and get a regular job, and in the next breath I can say, look how lucky I am, I am almost done, just push through and do it, you have plenty of time in the future to worry about all these other things. I know my next breath is right. I need to just finish. I need to suck it up and deal with me, myself and my alone time and just finish. Everything else will fall into place. In fact, it is falling into place.

It is a good note to self, though. I need structure. This type of independent work has taken it's toll on me, and I am not cut out for it. I find every possible thing to do but the thing I need to do. I torture myself. I keep trying to give myself the same pep talk: Enough with the torture, already, just finish. Finish strong.

I know when it comes down to it I am just scared to finish. Because then it will be done, and what if it's not good enough? I am so close, but from where I sit now there are still possibilities. There will always be more I can do. I try to remember what I have heard so many times: "The best dissertation is a done dissertation." OK.

Don't worry, though, I am getting it done. Every day I get a little bit closer. I really have been pretty good about being productive, and keeping a routine. I feel I have just a few days left, and it will be done. Really. I just need to make it happen. I know this is why I can't sleep. I am getting to the end, I can feel it. It's different this time, not my regular run-of-the-mill anxiety. My defense date is on the calendar: September 24, 2010. (I like to do big things in my life in September, apparently. More on that later.) Barring any objections from my committee, that date should hold (fingers crossed, knock on wood). So I need to submit a full, best I can do draft to them on September 1.

So I have a week. I hope I don't spend the whole week not sleeping. TMH is trying to be supportive but he doesn't really know what to do. After all, he works long, hard hours every day, poor guy. And if I'm like this now, how will I be before the defense? Hmm. I am hoping once I finish the draft (soon, soon!) and once I have some official word about "PMP's class" I will be able to calm down a bit. Hoping.

Well, if I'm going to be up I might as well get some work done. Stay tuned.