Compartmentalizing

Can I learn to do this? Many people in my life seem to be good at it. It's the "that's not important now, I'll worry about that later" strategy.

I have never been good at this. One little problem can set off my whole day/week and affect almost every aspect of my life. I will say I've gotten better over the years, but depending on what happens my progress may go out the window. That doesn't go well with trying to spend certain hours of my energy here and certain hours of my energy there. The time I am supposed to spend on one task can easily be encroached upon by the emotions I have about another task. Therefore, my schedule doesn't work as well as I would like.

To cut to the chase, my dissertation gets the short shrift at the expense of the emotions I have about what is meant to be my secondary priority, my teaching/program development role at "the best university in the world." UGH.

In fact, right now is my dissertation time, and what am I doing? Venting about work, which is the exact opposite of what I am supposed to be doing. Bad PMP! Take your lessons from others in your life who are more efficient. This all just means I am frustrated with my "job." It is frustrating. The person I work for is frustrating. The way I get paid (or not) is frustrating. It's just a pain. A pain that is supposed to be worth it. Time will tell, but I do realize that the learning experience is worth it. No one ever said a learning experience is supposed to be fun, and almost anything in your life that doesn't go very well can be deemed a learning experience, right? Don't get me wrong, I am learning a lot. A LOT. But it's not a lot of fun and there is a lot to juggle and a lot of minefields to navigate and I have very little power. I know you think I am exagerrating. I know you do! But I will point to the crazy woman on TV who just shot a bunch of people because she didn't get tenure. Grad school/academe is high stakes shit and I am right in the middle of it. Most people don't know much about the system. The more I know about it, the more I am in awe, really. I have seen a lot in my approximately 10 years of working with grad students, and this place is no exception.

I know why it happens. The dissertation is about me and only me, and the job involves me getting along with/dealing with a lot of people. There is much more to brood about and think about and worry about when trying to get along with people, right? Especially people who may or may not be crazy.

So, I have decided to change my approach a bit. I am going to do my best to try to put my 20 hours in to this job, and that's it. I am going to do the best job I can in those 20 hours. I am going to try to stop thinking about "what might be" at this job. At this point, they will either decide they want to hire me and find the money to do so, or they won't. I have no control there. I know one of the reasons that I am good at my work is because I do care, and I do get emotional, and I do think a lot about it, but I have to find a way to pull back on that a bit. In fact, if they get more of a sense that I am looking at other options and just looking at this as a short term gig, I might be better off. I am also going to try to get out of this experience at the end of the semester with as little stress as possible. I will finish my degree and then see what job option makes the most sense for me. Plain and simple.

And on that note, let me get back to writing my dissertation-- AKA my number one priority!