She said no...

...so now I know. And no means no. (Now I know why my students hate English sometimes).

So my professor told me she did not want to be on my committee because she is too busy. She was nice about it (sort of), and she told me to talk to some other professors. She said she would put in a good word for me. I have to say I am really disappointed... this definitely contributes to the time of blah. There are several reasons for me to be upset, some more rational than others:

1. Now I have to find someone else. As they say, a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. I am back to having nothing. I was so close... yet so far away.

2. I really like her (well, except for right now, because she made me sad). I think the personality dynamics were good.... it would have been a good relationship. She is smart and good and successful... I guess that's why she has no time for the likes of me.

3. My advisor really likes her. Shit. Everyone keeps telling me how important the dynamics are among the people on your committee. You want people to get along, i.e. not have a falling out that could delay or even cost you your degree. Apparently these things happen.... I am concerned about the dynamics that the other possible candidates might bring.

4. She told me during the break in class today. Since we have class for 3 hours, she gives us a break midway through. I guess that was a convenient time for her to tell me, but what about me? I was upset, was trying my best not to show it, and I had a hard time focusing on the rest of class. This is no big deal for her... she should consider that perhaps it is a really big deal for me.

5. She is a woman. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I want another woman on my committee. Why are all these professors male? It's crazy. My advisor is male and my second member is female. I wanted another woman, but now that won't happen. None of the other possible candidates are female. Oh well, at least I have one.

6. I don't know how I am going to figure all this out in the time I have to do it. This will delay my progress. The third person, whoever HE is, has to represent my minor. I wanted to finish my coursework next semester, including minor requirements.

7. Her methodology and research interests match my advisor's- so that would have been good. Without her, things may have to go in a totally different way. (e.g. with two of the other professors I am considering, I would have to follow a certain approach).

Making this list has made me realize that I really don't like the other possibilities. Maybe I need to find someone new? But that will take even more time. Or can I compromise, and take someone not ideal? Only if they won't cause me problems. But what if no one will agree? As my dad pointed out, they have no reason to help me. My third member has to come from outside my department, so they have no vested interest in my success. OH BLAH.

For goodness sake, I just need someone to sign off and say my work is ok. I don't think it's really that big of a time commitment. Why is it so hard???

SO, in a nutshell- BIG FAT BUMMER.